


Flowers for a Ghost

by trippingjaeger



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Cheating, Drugs, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Overdosing, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-07
Updated: 2015-02-09
Packaged: 2018-01-23 22:05:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 57,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1581101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trippingjaeger/pseuds/trippingjaeger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone on this earth was born knowing their significant other's first name. Most of them would meet, but there was always the unfortunate slim chance of them never crossing paths. During his second semester of junior year, Jean started to worry whether or not he would actually meet a boy named Marco. All his other friends had met their other halves early on. Things seemed to be looking down for Jean, until Annie introduces him to her new neighbor. Things can only be looking up now, right?</p><p>8tracks playlist for the chapter titles can be found here: http://8tracks.com/soakinginthejaeger/flowers-for-a-ghost-jeanmarco</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Counting Stars

**Author's Note:**

> This is actually the first fanfiction I've written in years so bear with me on this one. I'm really willing to continue whether I get good reviews or not. Everything's going to start out being pretty mild, but eventually, I really want to get into more details. Like, rip your heart out details. I'm apologizing in advance. You have been warned.

_Marco._

The same word has been staring at me since I was born.

At birth, we are all born with the first name of our soul mate printed somewhere on our bodies. The script of the name describes the person’s life and personality.

And I’ll tell you everything.

My mom taught me how to read Marco. It was my first word because it was in front of my face every single day. The script looked Victorian like Marco had his life on track and was happy with who he was. It was on the back of my right hand and I could never figure out what that meant. I supposed that when I met Marco, I could ask him.

Another thing I wondered was what my name looked like on him. Where it was. How it was written. I had a fairly decent childhood. My mom always took care of me and made sure I was happy. She was embarrassing, but she was a mom. I lost my dad when I was 4 years old to lung cancer. He was a smoker his whole life and to keep him alive in me, I picked it up when I was 15. My mom never said a word when she found my cigarettes in my room. I just know she knows. She most likely understands why I do it.

Now, my friends all seemed to have found their soul mates already.

Eren and Armin are two of my best friends and they met in elementary school, but waited until high school to start officially dating. I was jealous they found each other so quickly. They complimented each other.

Mikasa, Eren’s sister, found Annie on the first day of middle school. From there, it was smooth sailing.

Connie and Sasha found each other later that year. He always gushes about her.

Ymir approached Krista on the second year of middle school and somehow, they fall in love with each other over again every day.  

Reiner found Bertholdt near the end of middle school and I remember that Bert was crying tears of joy for days after that.

Now, we’re in our second semester of junior year. It’s May. My friends are all happy. They’ve all found their soul mates and formed relationships.

I’m the black sheep.

I think I started avidly asking around the school when I was a freshman if there was anyone going there named Marco. My questions always came back with a negative answer. I wasn’t necessarily one to give up hope so easily. I figured that maybe I’d meet him in college or when I find a career, but I was so tired of wondering.

Now, I let the thoughts linger in the back of my mind. I wear fingerless gloves all the time, trying to forget. I date around for no real reason. I’m not happy, but I’ll put on a show for my friends because I’m supposed to be strong. I will find Marco one day. I know it.

— 

“Jean!”

I turned around to notice Eren and Armin heading my way. It was after school on a Friday and I’m guessing Annie was having a party or something that they wanted to tell me about. I pulled my pack of cigarettes out of my jacket pocket and lit one up. “Hey guys.” I put on a smile for show.

“Are you coming to Annie’s party tonight? She said there’s going to be a big surprise tonight.” Armin had always been more talkative between the two. If Eren ever said anything, it was usually dumb and Armin had to pull him back to earth. They were cute and I was jealous.

“Big surprise as in-?” I left my sentence hanging as I took a long drag from my cigarette.

Eren spoke up this time. “Probably drugs.” He laughed and Armin smacked the back of his head, playfully.

Armin rolled his eyes a little. “She won’t disclose details, but she specifically wanted us to tell you. Maybe it has something to do with Marco.”

My body tensed up and I nearly dropped my cigarette. I took another long drag and exhaled it slowly. “There’s no way in hell that’s actually happening. I’ve given up on trying to find this kid for now. He’ll show up in my life when we’re both good and ready.” I pulled the glove on my right hand down a little more, shoving the memories back again.

Eren faced me and put his arms on my shoulders. “Look, man. You’ve got to keep trying! If you stop trying, he could pass you by and before you know it, the name will fade.” When the name fades and looks more like a scar, it’s a symbol that your soul mate has passed away. “I’m sure you check it constantly and it might be nice and black right now but it could fade any day here! We have to take drastic action!”

I looked down at Eren’s right arm without saying a word.  _Armin_ had been printed on the inside of his forearm, near his elbow for as long as I can remember. Eren knew exactly why the name was rough script and why it was there on his body.

Eren and I had been friends long before either of us met Armin. After they found each other, and Armin finally decided to tell him the reason behind the text, I got the whole story from Eren one night when we were 15. I remember him crying for hours and hours in my room telling me about the text of his soul mate’s name. It was painful to hear and it’s painful to think about.

Armin has high levels of anxiety and will scratch at places on his body whenever he feels nervous, scared, or anxious. The place on his right arm has been his most scratched area. Armin is left-handed so it only made sense to scratch his right arm. Armin’s upbringing wasn’t wonderful either.

His parents had died in a car crash after they went out one night and left Armin’s grandfather to babysit. Armin was 6 at the time and understood everything that had happened. He was a sharp kid and after he got the news, the scratching started immediately and stuck. He’s still living with his grandfather for now.

Armin and Eren had met when they were both 12. In 6th grade, Armin decided he couldn’t be home-schooled anymore and had to try public school to start coping with the world. He was put in Eren’s class and they’ve been attached at the hip ever since. The scratching still happens but significantly less.

Eren’s name on Armin was no better. It was in broken letters above his left knee. Eren had been born without a left forearm or left leg from the knee down. It was just a birth defect that never seemed to bother him. He got prosthetics early in elementary school and I remember how happy he was to show them to me. It made him feel normal. Especially when he figured out how to move like a regular human after getting used to them.

As for  _his_  upbringing, it wasn’t a whole lot better than mine or Armin’s. His mom died of MS when he was 16, just last year. After that, his dad booked it and never came back. He left Eren and Mikasa a little money to survive, but recently, they’ve been supporting themselves through part-time jobs. Everyone’s best guess is that he died or got arrested. We make bets about it amongst ourselves.

“Jean!”

I snapped out of my flashback and looked at Eren then my cigarette. It was half-way to being totally burned out. I looked back at Eren and apologized.

“I really, really think you should come tonight. If anything’s stressing you out, we could always make sure a little booze gets into your soda.” He chuckled a little.

I laughed softly in response. I loved that about Eren. He always knew how to make me laugh.

They both waved me goodbye and I noticed them lock fingers on their way to Eren’s car. I sighed when they were gone and finished what was left of my Camel before lighting up another one.

I dragged my feet on the way to my car. I always park far from the school to give me time to smoke one or two cigarettes before my drive home where I could always smoke at least one more.

Smoking was my coping mechanism. I’m not a scratcher like Armin, but I need something to cope with stress. Smoking is how I do it. However, smoking always brought up the question: Does Marco smoke?

I ran my fingers back through my hair and ran my fingertips along the shaven undercut. I sighed loudly again and leaned on my car, finishing my Camel. When all that was said and done, I made my way home to get ready for Annie’s party. I had to see what the surprise was.

— 

I tried to make myself presentable for as shitty as I felt. I went ahead with a pair of dark jeans and a dark green button-up. On my way out, I threw on a light sweatshirt and stuffed my cigarettes in the right hand pocket. As I stuffed them in, I patted my jeans pocket to check for my lighter. I slipped on a pair of black sneakers and went to tell my mom good-bye.

She was in the living room, under her reading lamp, with a book. She always looked so happy when she was reading in that chair. I smiled to myself.

“Mom, I’m heading out now. I’ll be back late so I don’t want you to stay up waiting for me.” I leaned down to hug her and kissed her cheek. I loved my mom. I really never denied it either.

She hugged me back, tightly. “Don’t be out too terribly late, alright?”

I chuckled and nodded. “Don’t worry about it.” I gave her a kiss on the top of her head. “Bye!” I yelled back, grabbing my keys and heading out to my car.

I couldn’t help but start shaking as I slid into my car. Annie always had something new up her sleeve that I have never been able to predict. She could show up with some famous movie star and no one would question it. No one ever questioned Annie’s connections.

A deep breath escaped my lungs as I pulled out of my driveway. I kept my mind locked on Annie. She wasn’t exactly the best behaved girl. She sold drugs to anyone and didn’t care about the downfall. She didn’t take them often though. She’d pop a couple pills here and there with Mikasa, Eren, and Armin. But I do it with them, so who am I to judge?

When I pulled up to her house, there weren’t too many cars there yet. I always tended to arrive early and stay late. I had no one to go home to or see all the time. I still lived with my mom, for Christ’s sake.

I patted down my pockets to make sure I had my smokes and lighter before stepping out into the chilly evening air. It was cold for May, but it had been a really weird winter and we were just now getting heavy rain. It didn’t bother me. I loved the rain. It let me stay inside to draw and fantasize.

I skipped up the steps to Annie’s front door and let myself in. The only one’s here so far were Annie (obviously), Mikasa, Eren, and Armin. I wasn’t surprised. Mikasa and Annie had been together for so long now that Mikasa almost always spent the night at Annie’s house. Armin had been contemplating moving in with Eren now that Mikasa was about ready to leave. They just all flip-flopped between each other’s houses. They were like Mystery Inc. without being detectives and having a talking dog. Just the fact that you almost never saw them separated. The loneliness kicked in again and I needed a drink.

“Jean’s here!” Annie came up out of her seat and hugged me like I was her brother. She only came up to my chin and that always made me smile. She really was sweet when she wanted to be, but I’ve seen that girl kick some serious ass before. I snapped out of my thoughts when she spoke again. “I got some Oxys.” She giggled, obviously already high on one or two. “5mg. How many do you want?”

My stomach loosened up a bit knowing that she had the drugs on her. “Gimme two.” I knew now that none of us would be drinking tonight and our other friends would be asking why. The pill deal was kind of a thing between the five of us. She usually made everyone else pay. Besides, no one saw any of us as pill-heads.

She came back and handed me two peach-coloured tablets and a Coke. “No alcohol for us tonight. If you drink, I swear I’ll never give you any pills again.”

“Yes, ma’am.” I took the pills and placed them both on my tongue. They were gritty and I hated it. I took a drink of my Coke, swallowing both the pills. Now, the waiting ensued.

She smiled and skipped back over to Mikasa and the boys. I walked over and set down my Coke on the table before jamming my hands in my jacket pocket. Unfortunately, Annie didn’t say the pills were the surprise so I still had some wondering to do. I wasn’t about to complain though.

—

More people that we knew from school started to roll in slowly. I wasn’t high then, but about half an hour after I took them, people were pouring in and I was swimming. I figured I’d find Eren to see if he and Armin wanted to come smoke with me. They smoked rarely, but liked a few if they were popping Oxys, especially Armin. That kid was a chimney under the influence.

I found them in one of the upstairs bedrooms. Surprisingly, they were just talking. Eren would go off on these long rants about nothing and Armin would giggle like a little kid and play with his toes. I’m not sure why, but that had always been their Oxy routine.

“Jean!” Armin stood up and wobbled a little. He followed the wobble with a giggle. “You came up here because you want us to have a cigarette with you, right? Let’s go!” He made his way out of the room, still giggling. Eren eventually stood up.

“How ya feeling? I am over the moon right now!” He laughed a little.

“I’m feeling pretty great. It’s been a while.”

We made our way outside to find Armin sitting on the deck railing, swinging his legs. “Took you long enough!” He flipped his hair back and smiled.

“Some of us don’t move so fast when we’re this high.” Eren smirked and walked over to Armin, wrapping his arms around his waist and stealing a kiss.

I made my way over to them and handed them each a cigarette. I lit up first, then handed them my lighter. Whenever we smoked, our conversations went nowhere, but tonight seemed to have a different vibe.

Eren handed me back my lighter, blowing on his cigarette to get the spark going more on the end. “You’ve had that lighter for a long time. I’m surprised it’s still going with as much as you smoke.”

“There’s no need to buy another one. Besides, gas stations are starting to ID you for lighters now and I’m running out of options besides Wal-Mart and I hate it there.”

Armin had nuzzled his nose into Eren’s chest, but turned to me. “Has Annie said anything about her surprise to you?”

I shook my head. My heart started to pound.

Armin’s eyes lit up. “Well, it’s a good one tonight and we’re thinking it revolves around you. She told us that her new neighbors moved in a couple days ago and they have a boy our age who’s starting school with us on Monday. Don’t get too excited yet. She left out his name.”

There was the kicker. I shrugged it off, but Eren knew me too well to let me get away without a response.

He chimed in, “I totally bet it’s your soul mate. That’s just how fate works. There is seriously a one in a million chance that it’s not Marco. It’s too weird that you’re the only friend in our circle who hasn’t met their special someone. We all met ours through school, so you should too.”

Eren had always believed in fate and that “everything happens for a reason” bullshit. That’s probably how he stayed so optimistic growing up.

I, on the other hand, was skeptical. Life was just one new unexpected twist after another. Bad things happened and so did good. There was rarely an in between for me.

I took a long drag of my cigarette and exhaled, looking up at the stars. I tried counting them, but gave up after a bit. Counting things always gave me something to do and it let me rearrange my mindset. I desperately needed to change the subject.

Armin wasn’t about to let me though. He looked at his cigarette butt and smashed it out on the railing. I never understood how such a small kid could smoke so fast. “I bet he’s cute and tall.” He giggled. “I like tall boys.” Eren kissed his cheek at that.

I rolled my eyes, but smiled. “I’m tall already. If he’s taller than me, that’d be a miracle.” Anxious thoughts started to creep into my mind as I kept sucking on my cigarette.

Armin had to blurt it out. “You’re still a virgin, aren’t you?” That always hurt my ego.

“Oh god, what if he’s not? He’ll be so experienced and I’m just a lame virgin.” I paused. “I can’t believe I just said that out loud.” I put out my cigarette and was shaking as I reached for another.

“You have told me all your worries about Marco since the day we met in pre-school. Just calm down. He’ll be perfect for you because he’s your god damn soul mate.” Eren punched me in the arm. He took another drag of his cigarette. He was always the last to finish one among the three of us.

“I don’t wanna be a total loser for him, is all.” I felt like crying. I had so many insecurities.

“Let’s change the subject then.” Eren finally put out his cigarette and threw it into a bush. “Have you talked to Levi lately?”

Levi lived in the apartment above me. We had moved in after my dad died and Levi was the only neighbor to invite us over to dinner one night. He was  _at least_  5 years older than me and he lived with his girlfriend, Hanji. She was a total bombshell and she knew it. I’d been texting him a lot lately and going over to his place. He was big into the same scene Annie was. He dealt cocaine mostly and occasionally heroin. What he really loved, oddly enough, was to smoke hookah. I’d developed a habit out of it because I’d always smoke when I was over there. I never dared to try the real drugs he kept around though.

“I think he texted me a few days ago. I was thinking about going over there tomorrow despite what happens tonight. It’ll be a good outlet to just talk shit out.”

Eren nodded and turned to Armin. “Ready to go in?”

Armin immediately wrapped his arms and legs around Eren at the question. “Only if you carry me because I can’t feel my legs.” He giggled.

“See you inside, Jean.” He held onto Armin and headed inside, leaving me to myself.

I puffed on my cigarette as I counted the stars. I knew whenever this kid showed up, Annie would come get me whether his name was Marco or not.

It seemed weird to worry since I was so fucked up on painkillers. My whole body felt good, but my brain was stacked with questions. I couldn’t think about them though. Not now. It wasn’t the time.

I put out my second cigarette and headed back inside, feeling like a hot mess. The house was seriously packed. I couldn’t even move without bumping into someone. I checked my phone. It had been about an hour and a half and realized I’d probably need more pills soon. I had to find Annie.

She was sitting on the couch with Mikasa and some other people whose faces I recognized, but didn’t know. I caught her eye immediately. “Jean! I suppose you need a little something, huh? Come up to my room with me.” She shouted back. “I’ll be right back, Miki!” It was her nickname for Mikasa and the sound of it never ceased to make me smile.

She pushed through mounds of people to get to her stairs. I followed behind her, my hands back in my pockets. I was rubbing at my gloves, feeling stupid until she finally turned to me.

“I’m sure Armin told you, but that boy showed up.” We walked into her room and she opened a drawer. In it were hair ties and bobby pins. That didn’t surprise me. I knew this drawer. She had it bottomed out and her parents were never the wiser. She grabbed a pen from her desk and fished under the drawer trying to find the hole. She pushed the pen in and the part of the drawer stacked with hair clips came off to reveal baggies of drugs and pills. She pulled out the bag of peach Oxys and handed me two along with her drink since I had left mine downstairs.

I swallowed them quickly and handed her back her drink. “I can’t keep my mouth shut. I need details.”

She smirked a little as she put the top of the drawer back in and threw her pen over to her desk. “To be honest, I don’t know the kid’s first name, if that’s what you were hoping for. I also kept glancing at him and couldn’t find a name. It must be something on his leg or torso because he’s wearing short sleeves. I wouldn’t get your hopes up, but he’s tall if that helps. Taller than you, but not by much.”

I groaned. “It can’t be him then, I always pictured my soul mate shorter than me.”

“I said not by much! Calm down. Jesus. Besides, I always pictured my soul mate to be shorter than me with freckles and I got Mikasa.” She giggled. “But I love her for who she is. Just because she isn’t what I expected doesn’t mean I don’t love her to death.” Annie smiled and pushed back the hair on her face.

There was Mikasa’s name. In bold letters and simple script, right by Annie’s eye. Annie figured out it was near her eye because Mikasa tended to cry a lot more than she’d admit.

She let go of her hair and let it fall back on her face. “It’s just destiny, Jean. We don’t choose it. We’re born knowing their first name and that’s it. We’ll never know what they’ll look like, what their story is, or when we’ll meet them. Now, come on. I want you to meet him.”

I groaned and she drug me out of the room by my arm. She had to push around people again until she looked out the glass door to the back. “There he is! Go introduce yourself and don’t be shy!”

I watched her walk back over to Mikasa and felt my heart pound as I walked outside. I held my hands tightly together and ran my thumb over the text under my glove. I’d memorized what it looked like. I knew I needed a cigarette as soon as I saw him.

He was barely an inch taller than me and he had dark hair that hung loose over the sides of his forehead. It was hard to see under the dim porch light, but I could tell his eyes were a coffee brown. He was handsome. Too handsome. And the best part? He had freckles. This might have been the boy I was losing sleep over. I looked up for a second to count a few stars before the anxiety hit all over again.

I pulled a cigarette out of my pack and lit up, trying not to shake. He heard the sound of my lighter and turned around. He smiled at me and the cigarette nearly fell out of my mouth.

“You must be who Annie was telling me about. She never gave me your name so I’m guessing you must be a guy who hasn’t met his soul mate yet.” He chuckled, obviously nervous. There was no way he was more terrified than I was though. I waited for it.

“Anyway, I should probably introduce myself. I’m Marco.”


	2. Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, kids. This chapter is short and boring because I needed to get some lame things out of the way. Things move kind of fast because nothing really happens. HOWEVER, things will be happening next chapter.  
> Probably nothing sexy though.  
> Not yet at least~
> 
> Also, the chapter title has nothing to do with the chapter, but it was the song I was listening to the most. I was having a serious problem titling it too bluh.

“Anyway, I should probably introduce myself. I’m Marco.”

My cigarette fell out of my mouth and it felt like my heart stopped. Just the way he said everything made me realize that this probably was  _my_ Marco.

“You must be Jean. Your expression says everything.” He pronounced my name perfectly and I just wanted to hear him say it over and over again.

My words fumbled. “I…you…wait…” I cleared my throat and simply nodded. My throat got tight and I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. I had never been more relieved in my life. What did I even do or say though? I had too many questions to ask him, but I couldn’t blurt them right out.

He smiled and held out his hand for me to shake. I acted on instinct and ignored his hand, wrapping him into a hug. I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks as I breathed him in. I couldn’t describe his scent exactly. He smelled clean and strong and it was something I could definitely get behind.

I felt his arms wrap around me and I tightened up, feeling anxious, like I wanted to just melt away with him. It was strange to think I had actually found my soul mate. I had to come back to reality and remind myself to do things slowly if I wanted this to actually work out. I remembered how Eren and Armin did everything. They were perfect and I knew I could only try my best to achieve that.

Neither of us said anything for a while. We just hugged each other and he let me cry. His heartbeat against mine felt like a drug pumping into my veins. It was then that I remembered just how high I actually was.

I pulled away from the hug, still holding his eyes and just looked at him. He was absolutely beautiful and he was beyond what my imagination could comprehend. He shook me awake with his words.

“Do you want your cigarette back?”

I looked stupidly behind me to see my cigarette still burning on the deck. I simply nodded and bent over to pick it up. I puffed on and it was barely lit, but still going. Once I got it burning more, I took a long drag and held it in for a while before exhaling slowly.

I looked up and noticed he was staring at me with a smile. This might be my chance to say something that made sense. “Do you want one?”

He shook his head. “No thank you. I’m just staring because I pictured you as a smoker. Your name is on my torso over my lungs.”

I almost dropped my cigarette again. He had more deduction skills than I ever did. It would be rude to ask to see it right now, but I’d ask later on. I wouldn’t pry either, but he went ahead and said what I was thinking.

“The script your name is in...” He paused and scratched the back of his head. “It’s like cracked letters. You don’t have to talk about why it’s like that right now. You can tell me when you’re ready.”

I smiled a little bit and put of my cigarette before taking off my gloves for the first time in a long time. I held out my right hand and he grabbed it, gingerly.

“Wow. It’s beautiful.” He ran his thumb over the text of his own name. “This must be because I’m a writer. I’ve moved around a lot and always turn my experiences in certain places into short stories. I never hated my life either. I have both my parents and they love me.”

It explained everything. I had spent years wracking my brain and the answer was so simple. I felt a chill run down my spine. “You’ve got to meet my friends. They’ll love you.”

He laughed softly and intertwined his fingers with my right hand. It felt surreal, but I led him inside to find Annie, Armin, Bertholdt, and Sasha dancing to something in the kitchen. As we approached I could make out that it was “Cobrastyle” by Teddybears. Armin must have plugged in his iPod somewhere. I knew he loved that band.

Marco didn’t even seem intimidated or alarmed by Annie dancing on the table. She had her hips swinging and her skirt was flying up. She was super gone to not be caring about it. Armin was up on it with her moving his hips along with her and the beat. Bertholdt and Sasha were on the floor, dancing, but not as extreme as the two blondes. They clapped along with the music and stamped their feet. Sasha was doing it a bit more gracefully than Bert.

I caught Annie’s eyes and she ran over and jumped off the table, landing on her feet in front of us. “You must be Marco!” She had to yell over the music going through the house. “Congratulations! Jean’s an idiot! Go upstairs for a treat!” He laughed at that and she climbed back up on the table. I knew what she meant by a treat.

“Come on.” I held his hand tighter and sifted through people, getting to the stairs and up to Annie’s bedroom. I shut the door and turned to Marco. “You into drugs?”

He laughed a little and put his up hands. “Not really, but I’ve never exactly had the chance to try any before. What kind of stuff does she have?”

I grabbed the pen from her desk and opened up the drawer. I fished around the bottom until I found the hole like she had before and popped off the top. “Pills. Lots of pills. She has some other things, but I’m too afraid to try any yet. I’ll start you off with a 10mg Oxycontin.”

I handed him the small tablet and handed him the Coke that Annie had left up here. He popped the pill in his mouth and washed it down, quickly. He handed the Coke back to me and I took another pill as well. 50mg in one night was going to hit me with a low depression tomorrow, but it was worth it.

I was the first to speak after a pause. “Do you want to stay up here and talk or go downstairs to meet the others? They’re pretty out there, especially right now.”

He chuckled and sat down on the bed. “I think talking would be nice. There’s so much I want to learn about you, if you don’t mind, that is.”

“Hey, not at all.” My nerves were starting to leave as the high started to sneak up on me quicker this time. I sat beside him and let out a long breath before smiling. “Where do you want me to start though?”

“Tell me about your family.”

From there, I went on and on about how things had happened. With my dad dying, we moved around a bit, but I like our apartment right now. I told him about why the name was in cracked letters, or at least why I thought they were. It must have had to do something with being in a mildly broken family and picking up my dad’s old habits.

He let me go on and on and just let me talk. No one had ever done that before. People were always talking to me, but I was never talking with anyone else. I wouldn’t even talk about things with Eren. Marco was the sweetest person I’d ever met, but was too afraid to say that I already loved him. Although, I think I probably did.

I heard Annie and Mikasa screaming downstairs and laughed. The music had changed to some old rock and they were most likely dancing. We had to join them. I decided it was my turn to be a little bold.

“Come on. Let’s go dance with the girls.” I grabbed his hand before he had time to protest and ran downstairs. My vision was foggy and footsteps heavy. I was rolling big time and I hoped Marco was too.

\--

Armin had turned on The Clash and Annie and Mikasa were going nuts for it. They were out in the living room this time, dancing on the coffee table. People were gathered around them, whooping, and a few were even giving them money. Annie grabbed a few dollars falling from the air and stuck them in the waistband of her skirt. The whole scene was to die for.

As soon as they got off the table, Armin and Eren got on. The way Armin’s hips moved was too incredible. From behind, he looked like the prettiest girl ever. He also moved much more fluidly than Eren. I gave Eren some credit because of his prosthetics, but it hardly looked like he was trying.

I clapped along as they danced and somewhere in the mix, Armin ended up taking off his shirt. Marco was laughing next to me as Armin hooked a leg around Eren’s waist. I loved those boys and they sure knew how to put on a damn show.

Before they jumped down, Eren dipped Armin down and kissed him which won them over a lot of hollers. Armin put his shirt back on and they bowed then ran over to us. “You guys seriously need to get up there and dance. I also know for a fact how loose you two are feeling. I’ll even pick a good song for you.” He winked a little and went over to the music player.

Marco grabbed my hand first and hopped up on the table as “Love Addict” started playing. I laughed out loud and looked to Armin who put up his hands to egg us on. I smiled and played along dancing like a loser until the beat kicked in and Marco joined me. We were putting on as much of a show and Eren and Armin. I didn’t think either of us were about to pull off our shirts though.

Before I could think, I was grabbing Marco’s hands in a moment of pure adrenaline. Our hips and arms were moving together and we started to inch closer. I could hear Eren and Armin above the rest cheering at us. It only made me laugh. I had never had so much fun with a person I just met. Soul mate or not.

We spun around a few times with our fingers interlocked before we were tumbling off the table and Bertholdt and Reiner had to catch us. I couldn’t get any air as I lifted to my feet. Reiner pushed me into Marco, which only made me laugh harder and before I could think, I was saying it, “I wish I could kiss you right now.”

I immediately covered my mouth after that and felt my face grow warm. He played it off like it was no big deal and kissed my forehead. My face simply grew redder at that.

“I need a cigarette,” I mumbled into my hand.

Marco smiled and followed me outside. I lit up and took a long first drag. I had to address this. “I’m sorry I said that. I think it was the drugs, but what else was I supposed to say? You’re more than I imagined as my dream boy.”

He leaned against the rail and watched me as I smoked. “I don’t think it was the wrong thing to say. It just seems strange that we’re meant to be together and I feel like we should get to know each other first before we do anything even resembling romanticism.”

I nodded. He was smooth and he knew it. “I know what you mean. I can’t rush things and screw up fate. I need something to go right for me once in my life.” I smiled a little, feeling less flustered.

“Tomorrow’s Saturday so maybe we should go on our first date. Gimme your phone.”

I didn’t protest handing it over.

I saw him typing some things before handing it back to me. “There. I put my number in so you can get a hold of me even if it’s 3AM and you’re drunk.”

I smiled wider as I took another drag from my cigarette. “I’ll be sure to text you when I get home tonight. There’s no point in it now since I’m in your company anyway.”

He hopped up on the deck railing and looked up at the stars. “I noticed you staring at the stars for a long time earlier. Why do you do that?”

“Oh, uh, I like to count the stars if my mind is racing. It helps me focus on one thing instead of twenty at a time.”

“Counting stars. I like that.” He chuckled a little and switched subjects. “Your friends are insane.”

I laughed at that. “They’re all stoned. Annie and Mikasa are actually composed really well. Armin is quiet most of the time and Eren is…well, Eren is Eren.”

He smiled and patted the spot on the railing next to him, inviting me over. I sat up with him and took another drag, trying to make sure the smoke didn’t get in his face.

“I’m glad you’re a smoker.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“I always thought smoking was super attractive, but I never started because I don’t want to die too young. I know some smokers live to be a good age, but I just can’t chance that.”

“Mh.” I took a long drag and exhaled slowly. “I’d like to live a long time as well, but I picked up my first cigarette when I was 15. I choked like a bitch, but here I am today. It’s never bothered me knowing I could die sooner. Eren has this philosophy that everything happens for a reason. So, I figure, if I die prematurely, it’ll be for a good reason.”

He stopped looking at the stars and turned back to me. “Do you believe in angels or ghosts?”

I cocked an eyebrow. “That’s a weird thing to ask.”

“I know! I know, but I feel like they might actually be real. Like, maybe your dad comes to visit you and your mom at night to make sure you’re ok. I think believing in that stuff is really comforting. Not that I’ve had anyone really close to me die before, but, you know…” He trailed off. He had a far-off look in his eyes and a smile on his lips.

“I get what you mean. It does seem comforting.” I heard someone put on “The Wobble” and I had to get in to see that. I smashed out my cigarette and grabbed Marco’s hand. “You have got to see these guys.”

I pulled him inside only to see Annie, Mikasa, Armin, Eren, Sasha, Connie, Bert, and even Reiner in perfect sync as they were dancing. “We have got to get in this.”

“I don’t know how to do it, though.”

“It’s easy I’ll show you.”

I pulled him in after the next verse started. I had him watch everyone in front of him so I could watch him from behind. There was no possible way that any other person would have done this with me if they didn’t love me.

Occasionally, someone would lose their balance and tumble into the rest of us. It was a repetitive motion that made us laugh. I eventually found myself hanging on to Marco’s shoulder as we moved.

The song ended and people were clapping and cheering. I looked over and noticed Mikasa pushing her hair out of her face and laughing. Annie grabbed her hand and held it up over their heads. Armin did a curtsey and Eren was laughing hysterically next to him. I turned to Marco and he was laughing just as hard. I couldn’t help, but join in.

Annie suddenly yelled, “Everyone who was dancing, come outside!” The group cheered as we followed her outside. She hopped up on the railing and Armin followed. “I need a smoke.” She pulled out her pack and lit one up then handed one to Armin.

I pulled out my own pack and gave one to Eren before getting myself one. Once we were all lit up and breathing heavily, Eren spoke up.

“So this is the famous Marco we’ve all been wondering about for years now.”

Marco’s face reddened as he ran a hand through his hair. “I’m nothing special.”

“Dude! You are Jean’s soul mate! That’s incredibly fucking special! We were starting to worry he’d never meet you.”

“Really? When did all of you meet?”

“Armin and I met in elementary, but everyone else met in middle school. Things were starting to look seriously damp on Jean’s side of the lake.”

I laughed softly. Eren had always been brutally honest.

He spoke up again. “Jean! You need to introduce Levi to this kid. He’d love him.”

Marco’s look was a dead give-away of confusion. “Levi?”

“My upstairs neighbor. Annie calls him the drug lord.”

She laughed. “He is the drug lord! I don’t know where he gets it all! I wish I could sell as much as him.”

“You’d think for how much he was selling, he could afford a better place.” I chuckled.

“I think him and Hanji are living perfectly ok. They can eat, do things, travel, and their fashion is…” She smiled big. “Oh god, the way they dress. It’s so fucking sweet. If I could dress like Hanji does, I might even be hotter.”

Mikasa snorted. “You’re already hotter than her.”

“No way, Miki. She is a goddess and she totally knows it. And her fucking boobs.” She held up her hands to grope the air. “I wish I had that much.”

“I think Krista has bigger boobs than Hanji though,” Armin chimed in.

“Well, isn’t Ymir lucky?” Annie scoffed and took a long drag of her cigarette. She turned to Bert and Reiner. “You two are awfully quiet.”

Bert shrugged a little. “I guess I’m exhausted from dancing.”

“Don’t give me that bullshit. You two are trying to get out of here so you can go home and fuck.”

Bert turned away and Reiner burst into hysterical laughter. “You pegged us. On that note, we really should be going.”

Annie was the only one who got a hug from them both as they left. She shouted after them, “Use a condom!”

“We never do!”

Marco smiled. “You guys are all so open with each other.”

Connie was the one to speak up this time. Annie was too busy with her cigarette. “Bertholdt and Reiner are more shut off. Armin, Eren, Mikasa, Annie, and Jean are the closest out of any of us. Ymir and Krista are always off doing something else too. They didn’t even come tonight because Krista’s sick and Ymir’s babying her as usual.”

Sasha giggled and hugged Connie. “Connie and I are usually in the background as well. It never bothered me much though. I don’t wanna impose on how close these five are.” She jutted her thumb in Annie and Armin’s direction.

“I hope I can be comfortable and close with all you someday.” Marco looked down a little with a smile.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Eren clapped a hand on his shoulder, “you will be.”

\--

Around 3AM, the party started to file out. The only ones left were the famous five and, of course, Marco. Annie was sprawled over Mikasa’s lap and Armin was leaning against Eren. He looked like he was about to pass out.

“I want to be brave enough to try all that cocaine I have in my drawer some day,” Annie sighed out.

“Not tonight. It’s late and we’ve had too many pills.” Mikasa was stroking Annie’s hair.

“Obviously, but maybe next week or something. It can just be the six of us. Taking it up the nose instead of the ass for once.” She turned her head up to look at Mikasa. “Are you spending the night?”

“I figured I would so I could give Eren and Armin some time to themselves, but by the looks of it, Armin might not be up to anything tonight.”

“I will so be up for it.” He pouted. “I just need a cup of coffee and a good kick start in the crotch.” He laughed and Eren pushed him, playfully.

Marco checked his phone. “Holy shit, it got get late. I need to get home.”

I stood up with him. “I’ll walk you to the door.” Annie whistled as we left the room.

I ignored her as we made our way to the door. “Um, I had a really great time tonight.”

He smiled and leaned in, kissing my cheek. “I expect to be picked up at 7 for our date tomorrow.”

I felt myself blush. “R-right. 7 o’clock. Got it.”

He smiled one last time. “Goodnight, Jean.” He closed the door behind him and I slumped against it.

“Jeanny!” Annie yelled from the living room.

I pulled myself out of my head and went back in, smiling like an idiot.

“Did he kiss you?”

“Just on the cheek.”

“How lame! You guys are soul mates. That gives you the green light to fuck right when you meet.”

Mikasa smacked her. “We didn’t. Eren and Armin didn’t. You have to take it slow or else it could screw something up. It  _is_ possible to hate your soul mate.”

I laughed a little and scratched the back of my head. “I should get home. I’ll see you guys whenever.”

\--

I hugged them all goodbye and made my way out to my car, feeling like a million bucks. It had been such a slim chance that I’d meet Marco before I graduated, but it had happened and he was Annie’s next door neighbor.

As I got into my car, I felt the high finally coming down and I realized that I needed more because I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t crash either. I pulled out my phone and texted Levi.

_You up for some company?_

I got my reply just a few moments later.

_Always._

I grinned and put my phone in my pocket before I put my car into gear and drove off. The high wasn’t about to end. Not here. Not now.


	3. First Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longest chapter yet! I really need to give myself a break, but things will be continuing. I just might need a few extra days for the next chapter. Surprises to come.
> 
> First dates and stuff. Boring things, drugs, and good music. I'm also really appreciating the comments and kudos~ Thank you all so much.

I pulled up to the apartment complex around 3:15 and made my way up the fire escape to Levi’s place. I could hear music inside. He always listened to bands that no one had ever heard of so it gave me a good appreciation for music whenever I was over.

I knocked on the door and Hanji answered wearing a plain black t-shirt and lacey black panties. I was honestly used to it. She knew she was hot so she showed off. “Jean!” She threw her arms around me. “Come in, sweetie!”

She flopped down on the couch next to Levi. “Look who’s here.”

He looked up from the coals on top of his hookah. “Hey, kid. Something up?”

I sighed and tried not to smile as I sat next to Hanji on the couch. “I met my soul mate.”

He paused in his actions with a lighter in his hand. “Are you serious? That’s so great, man. I’m really happy for you.”

I chuckled. “Thanks, but all emotion aside, do you have anything to spare?”

He went back to lighting the coals and thought. “I have a few Percs I could give you. 10mg each. I won’t expect any payment tonight since you’re probably feeling pretty good and happy already.” He smirked.

“That sounds great.”

“Take over here and I’ll be right back.” He tossed me the lighter and I went on to get the coals sparking. He came back and handed me an unmarked bottle with 5 pills in it.

“Thanks, man. It means a lot. You got anything to drink?”

“Oh god. We have shit tons of soda. Hanji went on a shopping spree recently and all she bought was soda and lingerie.”

She giggled and leaned back into him. “Can you blame me? I have to stay caffeinated.”

I smiled and went over to the kitchen. I opened the fridge and grabbed a can of Mountain Dew. I cracked it open and popped a pill in my mouth. Downing these were a bit harder. Unlike Oxycontin, Oxycodone pills were designed as fucking horse pills. I got it down and went back over to the couch.

I scratched at the can with my nails as Levi started to blow on the coals. “I’m guessing this is a night where you’re going to be up all night.”

“Well, I at least have to be home before the sun rises. I don’t want my mom to wake up without me there.”

Levi simply nodded and picked up the hose once the coals were burning. He took a long hit and blew out the smoke slowly. It was thick and white. I found myself admiring how it looked. “Whatever you want to do, but I’m not gonna babysit your high as fuck ass.” He handed Hanji the hose and she took a hit.

\--

Two hours passed and I was exhausted at that point. I was tired from the pills and mellow from the hookah. “I’m gonna head out. It’s been a long day, but thanks for the hook-up and I’ll let you know how things go tomorrow.”

By this time, Hanji was curled against Levi, sleeping. He nodded. “Sounds like a plan. Take care.”

With that, I headed out and went back down the stairs, dragging my feet. I felt like I could pass out at any moment before I even got into my place. When I unlocked the door, every light was off and I could hear my mom snoring from her room. I smiled and headed back to my room. I kicked off my shoes and peeled off all the clothes before crawling into my bed.

Before 7 tomorrow, I had a lot of time to kill and I had no idea how to kill it. My mind was racing again before I started counting spots on my ceiling tiles. I fell asleep sometime during that moment.

\--

It was light outside by the time I opened my eyes. I groaned a little and rolled over, rubbing my eyes. I sat up and groped the floor for my jeans, pulling my phone out of the pocket. It was only 10 in the morning and I was wondering why I had only slept for 5 hours.

I must be too excited for tonight to sleep any longer. I texted Marco a simple good morning message before swinging my legs over the side of my bed and stretching out. A shower sounded nice and so did some advice from Armin. I’d call him later though.

I slipped on my jeans from yesterday so I could make my way to the bathroom and grabbed a new set of clothes for afterwards. I left my room and avoided talking to my mom right away before going into the bathroom.

I pissed, showered, and combed my hair. Nothing was out of the ordinary in that aspect. Getting dressed was no different either. I didn’t pick anything too fancy, but I didn’t want to look like a slob either. I turned side to side in front of the mirror and decided I looked presentable before going out into the living room. Mom was in her reading chair as usual, holding the same book as last night.

She looked up when she heard me enter the room and smiled. “Good morning, sweetie. Did you sleep well?”

I shrugged a little. “I hardly slept. Something happened last night.” I couldn’t help but smile.

She returned the smiled. “That sounds like good news. What happened last night?”

“Well, I, uh…” I chuckled a little. “I met Marco.”

Her jaw nearly dropped and she stood up to pull me into a tight hug. I thought she was going to crush me. She was strong for such a tiny woman.

“Baby, you’re growing up! What’s he like? Is he nice? Does he like you already?”

“Mom!” I laughed. “We just met, but he’s sweet and really handsome and we have a date tonight.”

“Oh, I’m so happy for you. What were you planning to do before then?”

“I was actually just about to call Armin. I need some serious advice about this.”

She went back over to sit down. “I like that boy. He and Eren have a good relationship. I’ll leave you to your day, alright? Just tell me how things went as soon as possible.”

I walked over and kissed her forehead. “Thank you. I’ll see you later.” I grabbed my keys on the way out and headed to my car. I got in before I shot Armin a text.

_I’m coming over whether you like it or not. I need advice._

I didn’t wait for a reply as I pulled out onto the street. Some stupid song was playing on the radio that I had never heard, but it had a good beat at least. Something stupid would be a good distraction for now.

\--

I pulled up to Eren’s house and patted down my jacket pockets. I had my cigarettes, my lighter, and 4 pills left. I’d save them though and there was no way I was giving them up to these guys.

I turned off my car and got out, pocketing my keys. On my way up to the door, I did a second pocket check and knocked.

Eren came to answer the door. His eyes were sleepy and his hair was messy. “Fuck, what time is it?”

“10:30 and I need you guys more than ever right now.”

He smiled a little. “Ok, just let me get Armin.”

I walked inside and took a seat on the couch. Moments later, Eren came out with Armin on his back. I cocked an eyebrow.

“He didn’t want to get out of bed so I forced him to.” He put Armin down and tried to get him to at least open his eyes.

“Hnn. Jean, it’s way too early for advice. We were up late.”

“I was up until 5 in the morning so don’t give me that.”

He snickered and opened one of his eyes. “Fair game. So, what do we need to discuss?”

“Basically, Marco. I just need to do everything right so I don’t screw this up.”

He sat up straight now and rubbed his eyes. “First off, don’t let it eat you up. You’re both human so there’s always the chance that he could screw up worse than you could imagine.”

“That’s not physically possible.”

Armin ran his fingers through his hair and tied it up into a ponytail. Stray hairs hung around his face. “And why’s that?”

“Did you even meet him?”

“I did and he was polite and sweet, but he’s still human. Human’s gets nervous and mess things up. He’s probably just as nervous as you. I know he was anxious last night before you got him going with the dancing and stuff.”

“He was high.”

“That’s no excuse.”

“You’re different when _you’re_ high. You let loose. You even smoke.”

“That may be true, but here’s a news flash for you: I’m not Marco.”

Eren covered Armin’s ears and chimed in, “Believe me. Armin’s a huge dork half the time he’s sober.”

“I can still hear you.”

Eren laughed and kissed his temple. “Basically, even someone who seems cool and composed can still be a total loser. In an affectionate way, of course. You just have to relax and not be so weird about all this.”

“That’s easy for you to say! You’ve known Armin since you were 12. You were allowed to be stupid dorks because you were kids and never thought twice about it. I’m 17. I’m not allowed to be a fucking loser anymore.”

“Whoa, Jean. You’re getting way too worked up over this. Did Levi give you anything last night?”

“He gave me some Percs and I have 4 left.”

“Take one now and you won’t be stoned by 7. You could probably take 2 before then.”

“I don’t wanna be this depressive guy when I’m coming down though.”

“You’ve never had someone to make you happy before.”

That one hit me. He was right. Everything would be fine even when I was sober. I went into the kitchen to get some water and took the bottle out of my jacket. I opened it up and popped one in my mouth which I followed with a swig of water. Eren was right. I needed to relax big time.

I dumped out the rest of the water into the sink and sat back down on the couch. Armin was still trying to come out of his coma. I spoke up again, “What should we even do for our first date?”

That woke Armin up. “Do something weird. Don’t take him to a movie or dinner. Take him on a drive and find some concrete park that you guys can sit at and shoot the shit. Eren took me through these backwoods roads at first I thought he was insane, but then I realized how romantic it was. Save the movies and dinner for later. Be adventurous right now. It’ll show him a unique side of you.”

He had a good point. I loved to drive and I knew some great scenery. There was also the bonus that Marco was new in town and hadn’t been shown around properly. Armin was a genius.

\--

Things went pretty calmly after that. Around 2, I took another pill and felt like I was melting into the couch. Eren and I watched a few stupid movies while Armin took a nap. Before I knew it, it was already half past 6 and panic wasn’t sinking in like it had before. I thanked Levi for that.

Eren was shaking Armin awake at that time. As usual, he refused to open his eyes. “Quit waking me up. It’s rude.” Once his eyes did open, he gave Eren these puppy dog eyes that could melt anyone’s heart.

Anyone’s except for Eren’s. “Don’t try that look on me. You need to get up or your sleeping pattern is gonna be all screwy and then you’ll be exhausted on Monday.”

“You’re so mean to me.” Armin sprawled out on his lap and looked up at me, smiling. “Somebody needs to get going soon, don’t they?”

“Hey, his house isn’t _that_ far from here. Besides, I don’t want to be early. He’ll think I’m being too anxious.”

“You _are_ anxious.”

“But I can’t have him knowing that!”

He sat up, smiling and took his hair out. “You’ll be fine. I promise. Showing up early never hurts, but showing up late can. Be on time. Have fun and use a condom.”

I smacked him before Eren had a chance to.

They waved me off and I thanked them before unlocking my car and getting in. I gripped onto the steering wheel tightly and let out a slow breath. This was the moment that could decide everything. I just had to be cool and calm. I couldn’t let him think I was a loser. I had this in the bag. Everything was going to be fine. On that note, I started my car and drove over to his house, my heart pounding the entire way there.

\--

I had to give myself a pep talk before I was able to even turn off my car. I knew that even if I did mess up, Marco would get it. He’d understand. Armin was right. He _was_ only human. I nodded to myself a few times before getting out of my car and walking up to his door. I was shaking significantly and had to take a few breaths before I mustered up the courage to ring the doorbell.

A small woman opened the door, immediately and hugged me before I had time to react. “You must be my Marco’s soul mate! Come in! He’s almost finished getting ready.” She led me inside and invited me to sit in the living room which I gladly accepted.

Marco’s house was huge. He and Annie lived in a nice neighborhood, but her house was only about a third of the size as his. I looked around curiously noticing some family portraits and pictures of Marco when he was young. I couldn’t help but smile. He was handsome even then.

His mother came back into the room and sat in the chair next to me. “Oooh, I want to know everything about my baby’s true love.”

Before I could open my mouth someone yelled from the top of the stairs, “Mom!” Good timing. Marco made his way down the stairs. “It’s not very polite to pry. It doesn’t matter how excited you are for me.” He simply smiled at her. “Now, we have somewhere to be. Please don’t keep yourself up by waiting for me.”

She stood up and hugged him. “Alright. You two have fun though and be safe.”

“I always am!” He turned to me. “Let’s get out of here before she starts eyeing your body for my name.”

I laughed at that. It was a nervous laugh, but a laugh nonetheless. I waved goodbye to his mom and followed Marco out the door. Once we were in the car, I had to ask a stupid question.

“This is really lame, but…I never got your last name.”

“I never got yours either so don’t feel bad, but it’s Bodt.”

“Kirschtein.”

“Oh, I like that.” He chuckled. “It fits your personality.”

I started my car and began to drive to god knows where. “My personality? You’ve already picked up on it?” I feel like I hadn’t been paying enough attention to him at all.

“You just seem like the guy that acts tough and rugged, but really, really cares for people. Don’t tell me I’m wrong either because I know I’m right.” He chuckled and leaned back in the seat.

I glanced over at him without saying a rebuttal. I didn’t need to. He _was_ right.

“So, where are you taking me?”

“Somewhere unconventional.”

He raised an eyebrow. “How unconventional? You’re not bringing me to a haunted hospital are you?”

I laughed loudly at that. “No! No, it’s nothing like that. It’s just that we’re not going to dinner or seeing a movie, but I wanted to take you through some back roads that lead out of town. They’re actually really pretty and I know of some places to park so we can look at stars.”

He corrected me, “Count stars.”

“Right,” I repeated him, “count stars.”

\--

I gripped the wheel tightly as he drove. I was awkward enough with my hands, if they did something on their own, I’d never forgive them.

Marco’s hands were folded between his knees and he was looking out the window. I smiled at him and rolled down my window. “You don’t mind if I smoke in here, do you?”

“Hmm? Oh, not at all!” He rolled down his window as well and let the wind hit his face. “This is really nice, actually. Just driving.”

I lit up and blew my smoke out the window. “I told you we were gonna park somewhere. Only if you really want to though. I could drive all night with you.”

He held his head out the window and looked up. “There are no stars out yet. We have to wait for them.”

“Fair point. You can’t count stars without stars.” I probably sounded like a complete idiot with how I was using my words.

He chuckled a little and leaned up to look at me. “I like the way you talk. It’s so natural and unedited.”

“Your speech is edited?”

“I mean, what I’m trying to say is that you swear and say things that sound awkward and I can’t do that. I hardly swear and I’m always so conscious of the things I say because I don’t want people to not like me. I’ve always had to make friends fast so I’d have at least a few before the next move.”

I simply nodded. “I don’t think you could get rid of me even with bear spray.” I cracked a smile and took a long drag of my cigarette. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed him watching me. “You studying the way I smoke?”

He blushed immediately after I spoke. “No! No…maybe…I can’t help it! It’s so attractive and even more so when _you’re_ doing it. I just want to be able to memorize your actions early on so I’ll know when you’re feeling sad or anxious or anything.”

Armin was right. He _was_ human. The things he was saying _were_ human. “I should be the one studying you.”

“And why’s that?”

“I never told you this, but I’m an artist. I specialize in portraits and landscapes.”

His eyes glistened. “You have got to show me some of your pieces sometime. I’ve never been much of an artist so I decided to pick up writing as a creative outlet.”

“I like writers. I figured if I ever started writing, it would just be something stupid and whiny that even I wouldn’t be interested in.”

He snickered. “You’re not giving yourself enough credit. I love hearing you talk so I’m sure I’d love whatever you had to write down.”

“You haven’t known me as long as Eren. He would rather hear himself talk. I guess I’m not interesting enough or something.”

Marco placed a hand on my shoulder and I tensed up a little. He drew his hand away. “Oh, I’m sorry.”

“N-no. I just get nervous easily. You can keep your hand there.” I tried to hide the redness of my face with my hand as I took another drag.

He smiled. “Well, what I was going to say was that you don’t give yourself enough credit. People don’t know what you have to say because you always wanna know what everyone else has to say. You need to focus on you and your thoughts. For example, tell me what you’re thinking right now.”

“It’s way too embarrassing. I’m not gonna say it.”

“Oh, come on. It can’t be that bad. I’ll tell you what’s on my mind first if you want.”

I shot him a look telling him to go on.

His face reddened again as he said softly, “I’m thinking there’s a really handsome boy driving me around for our first date and I couldn’t be any happier.” He turned away and tried to cover his face. “Now you go.”

I cleared my throat and tried to keep my voice from cracking. “Well, I’m thinking that there’s a really cute guy in my passenger’s seat and I don’t even wanna touch him for fear that I’ll do something I’ll regret. Like, I don’t know what to do with my hands which is partially why I wanted to drive and smoke. What happens after we park? My hands will be free to do whatever and I might accidentally smack you in the face.” I sighed. “I’m awkward with my hands.”

He chuckled softly. I couldn’t get over how it sounded. “I’ll keep your hands occupied when we’re parked. I promise.”

Well, fuck. That could honestly mean anything. I doubt he wanted to do anything too rash on our first date. I bet he knew how to screw with a guy’s head and that’s exactly why he was doing this to me. What a sick fuck. I was already falling for him though. Hard.

\--

We drove around for another hour, never taking the same road twice before it started getting dark out. Without saying anything, I finally pulled off the road into a gravel pit that over-looked a few hills.

Marco looked out the window. “Oh wow. It’s beautiful and you can see the stars perfectly.”

I turned off my car and left the radio running. Playing was “Denmark Streets”. It was relaxing and an upbeat old song. I liked it a lot. Apparently Marco did too.

“What band is this?”

“The Kinks. They’re really good. Levi got me into a lot of older music since he’s a few years older than me.”

“Mmm, I can’t wait to meet him. He seems nice.”

“Annie refers to him as ‘the drug lord’ and his girlfriend, Hanji, as ‘the drug lord’s bitch’.” I snickered a little. I love those nicknames.

“What does he sell?”

“The same stuff as Annie and more. He makes a lot of money off it and since we live in a shady neighborhood, no one says anything about it.”

“I wanna see where you live sometime since you’ve seen my house.”

I ran my fingernails over the shorter part of my hair. “It’s nothing compared to your place. It’s a simple two-bedroom apartment on the ground floor of a run-down building.”

“I think where a person lives says a lot about their character. Also, the car they drive.”

I tensed up a little. I only had a shitty ’97 Saturn. What did that say about me?

He spoke up about it, “To me, your car means that you like to travel and get around. You’re not about show and you’re comfortable about your penis size.” He laughed.

I was more than happy that it was dark out so he couldn’t see how hard I was blushing. I did love my car. I loved to go places and to be fair, I was comfortable with my dick size. There was nothing wrong with it.

“I suppose you’re right about all that.” I laughed softly. There was anxiety riddled through it.

“I never liked my car.” He leaned back in his seat. “It’s too flashy for me so I tend to walk a lot of places. I don’t want people knowing that my family has money.”

“Then you’re the complete opposite of Annie.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“She has this really nice red Subaru and she wants people to know that she’s a hot chick with money.”

“She sounds like a badass. Last night, she was so…sweet.”

“She’s really not. She’s rough on Eren and me half the time. Eren because he’s Mikasa’s little brother and me because I’m still a virgin.” Shit. Why the fuck did I say that? This wasn’t honesty hour, Jean. You just _had_ to keep your mouth running.

There was a bit of silence before “Lola” came on my stereo. I had definitely fucked up until I looked over to Marco who was staring at his hands between his knees. “That’s nothing to be mean to someone about it.”

“It is if you’re a 17-year-old boy. You’re gonna get shit from your friends.”

“I know,” He paused, “I did too before I moved here.”

My jaw almost detached from my face. This cute little motherfucker was still a virgin? At that moment, I _did_ believe in a god and he was definitely on my side.

He looked up at me, his face still red. “Quit looking at me like that!”

“Oh! I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just…you? You’re too cute.”

“And you’re too handsome.”

I chuckled and thought for a minute. “Wanna sit on the roof of my car?”

“Sounds romantic.” He smirked.

I shrugged it off and opened the sun roof on my car before climbing up. “Come on.”

He struggled to get through the small opening, but made his way up top. “Oh wow.” He looked up. “There’s way too many to count.”

“That’s just how it is here. Clear skies most of the time with millions of stars and no time to count them all.”

He kept looking up and nudged my foot with his. I played back a little not even thinking about it. It was affectionate enough for me. I counted stars as Iggy Pop came on the stereo. It was a great song to lose your mind in.

I took a break from counting to look over to him. I wished I could kiss him, but would it even be too soon? It was only our first date and nothing was about to get too extreme. I was way too nervous. I couldn’t even put a hand on his shoulder without panicking.

While my mind was racing, he looked over to him. “Do you have any more of those drugs?”

This would make for an interesting story tomorrow, but I nodded and took the bottle out of my jacket. I had two left. One for him and one for me. I handed him the pill and got back into my car to grab the mountain dew I was drinking. I took mine first then handed him the can. “How do those make you feel, by the way? They affect everyone differently.”

“Hmm. They make me feel confident. Like I could do anything in the whole world without a care. I feel invincible like I was having some sort of crazy manic episode.”

I didn’t really know what mania was like. I’d read about bipolar cases where it was bad, but none of my friends were really diagnosed with anything except for Armin who took pills for his anxiety.

“How do they make you feel?”

I chuckled. “Overly confident. It’s almost like I think everyone loves me because I’m the greatest person in the entire world. I’m aware it’s not true, otherwise I would’ve gotten laid by now.”

“Oh, you’ll get laid. Believe me.”

My heart fluttered. How come he knew all the right things to say? It wasn’t fair that this amazing boy got stuck with such a fuck-up like me. Maybe when the pills kicked in, things would be smoother sailing.

\--

A half hour passed and we were sprawled out on the roof of my car, our legs hanging over the windshield and our head craning against the back window.

He turned to me after what seemed like forever. “This is the weirdest date I’ve ever been on,” he said with a smile. It obviously wasn’t a bad thing.

“What makes you say that?”

“Well, you’ve taken me to the middle of nowhere so it could just be the two of us, but you haven’t even made a pass at me. In fact, you haven’t even grabbed my hand.”

“I told you I didn’t trust my hands. They have a mind of their own.”

“I’m sure you could control them if you really tried.” He snickered. “Let me help you.” He gripped my hand and laced his fingers with mine. “How does that feel?”

I smiled and closed my eyes. “Natural. Like, I could melt at any moment just holding your hand and nothing else. There’s nothing else I need right now. I just want to be near you, my soul mate. Listen to me, I hardly know you and I’m talking like we’ve known each since we were kids and have been in love forever.”

“Love will come. I know it will. It just seems natural to go slow if we don’t want to screw anything up, but I’m sure we’re both thinking the same thing.”

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to make myself sound like a jackass. In all honesty, all I wanted to do was kiss him. To taste him. I wanted to know what kind of a kisser he was. It was important information that I needed to know.

He sat up, still holding my hand and I did the same so I didn’t have to let go. He sighed, “First dates are so weird. I feel like there are so many rules to what you have to do.”

“I know what you mean. I feel pressured to follow them or else I’d feel like we were moving way too fast.”

“Why don’t we break those rules then? We’ll do something completely unorthodox for the rules of a first date.”

I chuckled. “You’re high. Don’t do anything you’re going to regret in the morning.”

“No! No, listen. I’m not going to regret anything because it’s not anything super sudden, but it’s really important and I wanna do it.”

I challenged him, “Then do it.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

Before I knew what was happening, we leaned into each other with half-lidded eyes. I held my breath before what was about to happen and we kissed.


	4. Good Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's all make a note here:  
> Nothing exciting happens in even numbered chapters.  
> I hate even numbers.  
> Drugs and stupid teenage Sundays. Hooray!
> 
> AND FOR THE RECORD  
> I did a little research on cocaine. I've never done it, but I know a lot about it.

It wasn’t a kiss I could put in the record books for how he kissed, but it was a kiss nonetheless. All I knew was that I wanted more, but I wasn’t about to be rude.

I suddenly realized that I had a vice grip on his hand and my nails were digging into the skin. I pulled away and I couldn’t believe the first thing that came out of my mouth. “Sorry!”

Marco laughed a little. “Why are you apologizing?”

“Because I was killing your hand! I told you I never know what to do with my hands.” I held them up in front of my face and he placed his palms against mine. He laced our fingers together.

“I’ll keep a hold of them, then. Ok?”

I nodded before leaning my head back and groaning. “You’re so perfect and I’m so lame!”

“Hey, you’re just human. Humans get nervous on first dates.”

“You’re definitely not human then.”

He chuckled. “You can’t feel my hands shaking?”

I looked down at our hands and actually felt them both shaking. He was as nervous as me. It wasn’t just the drugs this time. It was real nerves. Like butterflies that you get around your crush. This was a high school crush that could bloom into so much more.

I looked up again and he met my eyes, smiling. This time I instigated and pressed my lips to his. The kiss was so soft and gentle, you could hardly call it one. I let go of his hands and wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling him in to kiss him harder.

He counteracted by lacing his arms around my neck. _This_ was an actual kiss. It was warm, but sent chills down my spine. Our mouths fit together perfectly and that seemed so rare. All the pictures you see on the internet are awkward kisses and this wasn’t one of them.

I took a leap of faith and opened my mouth a little to see if he’d follow my pattern. Like puzzles pieces, our mouths began to move together in perfect sync and I never wanted it to end.

However, I didn’t want to overstep my boundaries and pulled back when the time was right. We were breathing a little heavier than before and our faces were still close. Our eyes locked like we were both searching for something. The only thing I needed to find were his coffee eyes staring right into mine.

His voice was barely a whisper, “Your eyes are like, this amber colour. I really like them.”

I chuckled and pulled him into a tight hug. I could die happily then and there. Everything was perfect at this point.

\--

When it started to get colder, we climbed back in my car and closed all the windows and sun roof. I had turned to radio off and we began talking about what we wanted to do for our futures.

“I’ve always wanted to be an illustrator, but I don’t think I’m good enough and I couldn’t afford art school even if I sold my internal organs.”

He laughed a little. “You’ve still got to keep your dreams alive though. I still want to see your drawings at some point. I bet they’re beautiful.”

“Most of them are actually of Armin. He’s fun to draw and he keeps still long enough. I think I like drawing his hair the most. It’s long and he loves it.”

“I noticed that he and Mikasa have the same haircut. Why is that?”

“Mikasa’s not the girliest of girls and she had a bad habit of never brushing it. It irritated Annie and even Eren so they forced her to get it cut. She still hardly brushes it, but sometimes Annie does it for her.”

He leaned back in the seat and absentmindedly grabbed my hand again. “I still have so many questions about your friends. Do you mind?”

“No, not at all. Ask away.”

“This might sound really offensive, but Eren moves…weird. Why is that?”

I chuckled. “He has prosthetics on his left arm and leg. He has a birth defect and it never bothered him. Also, from what I hear, it doesn’t bother Armin either.”

He covered his face and threw his head back. “Oh my god! Are your friends always so open about their sex lives?”

“Big time. They just like to rub it in my face, honestly. Of course, they’re gonna be all over me with questions come tomorrow.”

“Do they expect us to screw?”

“No, not exactly. They just want details. Excruciating details. I doubt they’ll grill you at first, but they will in the future once we get closer.”

“That’s almost a relief. I don’t know how to interact with them. They’re all so open and weird.”  

“They’ll be crashed on Monday, so don’t worry about them.”

“How crashed are you going to be?”

“I usually roll all weekend, every weekend. I really wanted to try some of the stuff Levi has. I’m only afraid I’ll get addicted. Once can’t hurt right?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know much about drugs or drug addictions so it’s going to be a shot in the dark for you.”

It was silent for a beat.

I spoke up, “I get to ask you a question now.”

“Ok, go ahead.”

“Would you kiss me again?”

\--

Hours passed of kissing and talking and then more kissing before I had to take him home. I almost couldn’t let him ago. He was such a good kisser!

“Jean,” he was laughing, “I have curfew.”

“One more! One more. Please?”

He rolled his eyes and gave me one last peck. “Goodnight, Jean.”

“Goodnight, Marco.”

And with that, he stepped out of my car and made his way up to his house. I watched him all the way until he was safely inside his doorway.

I realized it then that he _was_ perfect. I had a perfect soul mate. He was human, but he was perfect. I contemplated on texting Levi to keep rolling, but I was so exhausted that I needed to get home and just sleep.

\--

I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. It must have been late if someone was actually calling me.

Sure thing, it was 11:30 and Armin was on the other end of the ringing.

I answered, still incoherent. “Hello?”

“Get over here, ASAP. We have to hear how everything went.”

I groaned and rubbed my eyes. “I told Levi I’d check in with him first. There’s also something I need from him.”

I could practically _hear_ Armin rolling his eyes. “Well, hurry up!” He hung up with that. No goodbye or nothing.

I yawned and sat up, trying to blink my eyes awake. There wasn’t any time to shower if I wanted to catch Levi. I kicked my legs over the side of the bed and grabbed a pair of dark jeans and a black t-shirt. I grabbed a random pair of socks and pulled on my sneakers. I was ready to face the day.

When I went out to the living room, there was a note taped to my mom’s reading lamp.

_Jean, I went out grocery shopping. I hope you had fun last night. Love._

I smiled and stuck the note back before grabbing all my stuff and heading upstairs. I needed a serious fix of anything from Levi. I also wanted to see Marco today, but couldn’t seem overbearing. I’d wait for him to text me first.

I found myself at Levi’s door and knocked softly at first. Hanji was usually awake early so she was bound to be there.

And of course, she opened the door before I was even finished knocking. “I knew you’d be here. Good night, I’m guessing? Come in, dear.”

I thanked her and took a seat on the couch. The hookah was burning which meant Hanji had been smoking. I helped myself to a hit. It tasted minty with a fruity kick. I liked it a lot. “What is this?”

“It’s called Magic Dragon. Levi tried it once, loved it, and stocked up. We’re drowning in it. Can I get you anything? A soda? Pills? Blow?” She smirked at the last one. She and Levi both knew that I had been itching to try it and they rarely charged me. If they did, it was always a discounted price.

“I’ll take you up on a Mountain Dew and I actually think I’m ready for a little coke.” I twiddled my thumbs, feeling anxious about trying something new.

“Sure thing.” She tossed me a can of soda. “Lemme get Levi. He knows how to weigh better than I do.”

I nodded and cracked the can before taking a long drink. Hopefully, I’d have the day to myself besides seeing Armin and Eren. I wanted to bask in the blow glow.

Moments later, Levi emerged with Hanji from the back bedroom. His hair was messy and his eyes looked more tired than usual. When he saw me, he smiled. “So, my baby’s ready to pop his coke cherry?” He took a seat next to me on the couch and pulled out his small scale. “How much do you want? I can’t give you a free-be, but I’ll cut you a half-price deal.”

I grabbed my wallet out of my jacket pocket. I had saved up about $200 from the stuff my mom gave me and stupid bets I had won between my friends. “How much will $150 get me? I need to save the $50 for cigarettes and other things.”

Levi was already cutting and weighing. “Normally, $300 would get you a gram, but I’ll give you the downstairs discount for only $150. Try and make it last, alright?”

I nodded. It was so hard to believe that Levi wasn’t heavily addicted to anything he sold. I knew he dabbled in everything once in a while, but he never seemed like a flow-blown drug addict.

Once he was finished, he put the white powder into a small baggie and fastened it with a twist-tie. “That’ll be $150.” I handed it to him as he handed me the bag. “Thank you. Come again.” He chuckled and took a hit from the hookah. “So, how did last night go?”

I shoved the bag into the inside pocket of my jacket as my lips curled into a smile. “It was everything I ever expected from a first date, really.”

“Did you bone?”

“No!”

“Did you at least kiss him?”

“Yes. A lot.”

“Tongue?”

I rolled my eyes.

He caught my expression. “You know, using tongue on a first date is fine. You’re too cautious. You have to be more adventurous. Make sure he’s comfortable though because you don’t want to freak him out.”

“I know. I know. I think I’m falling for him already though. I just wanna be one with him. That sounds dumb, but you know what I mean.”

He nodded and took out a separate baggie of cocaine. “Date stuff aside, you want a free line?”

I audibly gulped and nodded.

“Watch carefully so you can do it by yourself later.” He sprinkled some on a small square mirror and took out a razor blade. He began cutting it up and making small lines. “I’m starting you off with a small dose, alright? I can’t have you getting too fucked up right now and don’t quote me on this, but drive carefully. I know you’ve got places to be after this so I’m not gonna bullshit you. Be very, very careful and keep your eye out for cops. This stuff is hard to find these days, but they’ll still look for it if you looked fucked up on the road.”

I tried to take in everything he said while I watched him prepare it. There were 3 lines. One for Hanji, one for him, and one for me. He grabbed a small straw and stuck it to his nose then bent over the mirror and inhaled a line. He came back up and sniffled while itching at his nose. His eyes were watering and I had never seen him look so frazzled.

Once he was settled, he looked just like he had moments before. He handed Hanji the straw and she did the same thing. She squealed a little when it was up her nose. She pinched at it and blinked a few times before settling back and giving me the straw.

I exhaled slowly before leaning over the mirror. I took the line up my nose quickly and it fucking burned. I probably made the biggest scene before finally calming down enough to know that I was wired as all hell. I felt like I could do anything. I glanced over to see Levi and Hanji simply taking hits off the hookah. It was probably about time I see Armin.

“Thanks for everything, man, and I’ll definitely see you later.”

He smiled up at me, his eyes more open than I had ever seen. “Take it easy.”

On that note, I headed out and texted Armin on my way down the stairs. This was gonna be quite the day.

\--

I had so much energy by the time I rolled up to Eren’s house. Mikasa’s car was there which meant Annie was there. More fun for me, but I didn’t want to share. They were probably rolling anyway. So much for today being mostly for myself.

I made my way up the steps and let myself in. Judging by how Armin was upside down on the couch and giggling like a little girl, they were fucked. “Looks like the party started without me.”

Annie looked back at me with a cigarette in her hand. “Look who finally decided to show up. We’ve been rolling for like an hour now. Do you want any? I got a boost in my supply.”

I chuckled and took a seat on the floor. “I’m already rolling.” I took a cigarette out of my pack and lit up. “And you’ll never guess on what.”

They all ignored the subject of what I’d taken and nailed me with questions about the date. Eren spoke first, “Did you fuck him?”

“No!”

Annie’s turn, “Blow him?”

“Wrong again.”

Mikasa actually said something for once. “Hand job?”

“You guys are so fucked up.” I laughed out. “All in all, we only made out, like, a lot. However, I am rolling on grade-A drug lord blow.”

Annie squealed and hopped off the floor. “No way! A cocaine high? What’s it like?”

“Annie, it is _unbelievable._ I have so much fucking energy. Levi said it wouldn’t last more than an hour and a half though, but for now, this is amazing.”

“Then, it’s settled. Next Friday, at my party, we’ll take some lines. The five of us…or six.” She smirked in my direction.

“Well, he liked the pills, but I’m not sure if he’d be interested in this. Nobody tell him about it.”

Armin snorted, “You’ll have to tell him one day.”

“Well, until then, he doesn’t need to know anything.” With that said, I took a long drag of my cigarette.

\--

We talked for a bit before Annie turned on Grease. I questioned her taste in movies, but all the actors were pretty hot. Eventually, it just became background noise except when the songs came on. We always all had to get up and start singing and dancing. I think Eren and Armin did the best job at reenacting “You’re the One that I Want” while Annie and Mikasa did a great “Look at Me, I’m Sandra Dee”.

As soon as the movie was over, it was only about 2 and I needed another line. I excused myself to the bathroom tried to imitate what Levi did as best as I could. I snapped one of Mikasa’s shaving razors for a blade and used the tin lid of a candle to sprinkle some in. My hands were shaking, but I did everything Levi did. However, I took two lines instead of one. Hopefully it would last longer.

Once everything was up my nose and in my system, I made my way back out to the living room. Annie was handing out more pills and they were being popped immediately. She took the cigarette out of her mouth to speak. “Marco texted me.”

“You? Why?”

“He probably wanted to see what you were doing without seeming like a stalker. I told him he could come over.”

My heart started to pound. “I just took another two lines!”

“Relax! I’ll drop him some Oxys and he’ll be chill. Relax daddy-o.”

I sunk into the seat and fished for another cigarette. Would me doing coke ruin everything?

Eren brought me out of my head. “You’re also welcome to use the guest bedroom if things get a little frisky.”

Armin hit him. “Don’t rush things for them!”

Eren turned to him. “Well, you’re also welcome to use the guest bedroom with your boyfriend.”

Armin hit him again and Eren couldn’t stop laughing. Being around them was infectious. I couldn’t help but laugh. My nerves were starting to ease until I heard a knock at the door.

Annie stood up. “Freckles is here!” She opened the door for him and enveloped him in a hug. He was definitely taller than her, but she never seemed to mind.

He awkwardly hugged her back. “Hey guys. How is everyone today?”

Eren sprawled out over the couch, nearly crushing Armin. “Tripping balls. Wanna join?”

He took a seat on the floor by my feet and smiled at me. “Sounds great.” He turned to Annie and she handed him two peach pills that we all knew so well.

Mikasa stood up. “Let me get you a drink. Any preferences?”

“Coke, if you have it.”

“Sure thing.” She went into the kitchen and opened the fridge, grabbing a can. She walked back in the kitchen with the weirdest smile on her face and tossed the soda to Marco. “Oh my god.” She fell into Annie’s lap. “This has been the greatest weekend of my life.”

Annie leaned down to kiss her. “Too bad school is tomorrow and we can’t get away with popping Oxys so easily.”

Mikasa groaned and rolled around. “Don’t remind me.”

Armin gasped and it startled everyone in the room. “You guys! I just realized something!”

Eren cocked and eyebrow. “What?”

“There are so many boys and girls in this room and we’re all fucking gay.”

I groaned and leaned my head back. Armin could be so embarrassing when he was high.

Annie wasn’t fazed and lit up a cigarette. “Being gay seems so natural though.”

Marco spoke up, “Why’s that?”

“You understand your partner’s crotch as well as your own. Nothing seems icky or weird. You have one of your own and maybe your partner’s is more beautiful. Like, I have a bomb pussy, but Mikasa’s is so much better and I fucking love it.”

Eren gagged. “Dude, shut up.”

“You should hear how I make her scream.”

He threw a pillow at her. “Shut the fuck up!”

She laughed and hit him with the pillow. Eren hit her back with a different one and before we knew it, Annie and Eren were having a pillow fight like grade-schoolers. The weirdest thing about it though, was that Marco didn’t seem to be bothered by it at all. In fact, he was actually laughing hysterically.

I couldn’t help but laugh along with him and soon enough we were all on the floor, holding our stomachs and wondering why we were still laughing. I calmed down and looked over at Marco who was smiling back at me.

Annie craned her neck and looked at us. “You two should kiss. I wanna see that.”

Armin sat up. “Yes! Kiss! Kiss!”

Pretty soon everyone was chanting and I shrugged before putting a hand on Marco’s cheek, pulling him into a kiss. I could feel him smile so I did as well. He was a perfect kisser.

Everyone cheered and I found myself breaking the kiss by laughing. However, I still had my hand on his cheek and was stroking it gently. He was so pretty. I couldn’t help it.

\--

Hours upon hours passed. During that time, there were conversations, laughter, and more stupid movies. When I finally checked my phone, it was 11 and I perfectly sober. The funny thing was that I was enjoying it.

It had been the laziest, but best day of my life. Tomorrow was going to be hell though especially for Marco since it would be his first day. I’d guide him though. We all would.

Eventually, we all started to stand up and stretch. Annie and Mikasa were staying and so was Armin. That left Marco and me to ourselves.

We said goodbye to everyone and made our way outside. He turned to me on the way to my car. “I had a really fun time today. Is this what your weekends are usually like?”

“Oh, definitely. On weekdays, we hardly see each other because of homework. Besides, it’s also sort of like ‘couple time’ for all of them. I’ve always been left out.”

“You don’t have to be left out anymore.” He hooked an arm around mine and held me close.

“I’d still feel left out.”

“Why’s that?”

I turned away, blushing. “I’d rather not say.”

He smirked and let me go as he headed to his own car. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Come to my house after school and we’ll see how left out you feel then.”

I could’ve sworn he gave me a wink as he got into his car and drove away. Tomorrow was going to be an interesting and curious day.


	5. Knock on Wood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. It's been a seriously rough week for my family.   
> However, I'd like to thank KK for giving me a few ideas for this one and my readers for waiting so patiently!  
> This chapter is pretty boring too. I'm sorry. I just need fillers right now.   
> It will get going really, really soon here~

I woke up to the sound of my alarm accompanied by the pitter patter of rain. I stretched and leaned over to turn off my alarm. I loved the rain. It just sucked to smoke in because of how soggy the cigarettes get.

I threw off my blankets and put my feet on the floor, stretching again. I leaned over to turn on my radio and some upbeat song was playing. That would be good for my mood; knock on wood. I stood up and sifted through my closet and drawers for something to wear. I settled on a black t-shirt and black jeans. Nothing too fancy for a Monday and I’d just wait till tonight or tomorrow to shower. I didn’t smell too bad.

I was pulling on my shoes while walking out of my room. My mom must have still been sleeping since her book was closed on her chair. I smiled and grabbed my jacket then did a quick pocket check. Phone. Cigarettes. Lighter. Perfect. I grabbed my keys and went out to my car.

I kept my hood up before sliding into the driver’s seat and started my car. A stupid pop song was on the radio so I put in my Teddybears CD. It was my favourite thing. No sad songs which meant no sad vibes. I lit up a cigarette and drove towards school.

The drive was short and boring and I hadn’t even finished half my cigarette. I parked where I usually did only to look up and see a familiar face. I smiled immediately and turned off my car and stepped out.

I smiled as I took another drag. “Hey, Freckle Face. Were you waiting for me?”

He walked closer to me and kissed my cheek. “It’s a possibility. Armin and I had a long phone call last night and he ended up telling me where you usually parked.”

“Phone call? Who called who?”

He looked at his feet and shuffled them on the sidewalk a little. “I called him and it’s a surprise for why.”

“Well, when does the surprise get revealed?” I took another drag of my cigarette trying to catch his eyes.

“Hopefully, tonight.” He finally looked up at me. “But that wasn’t the only thing we talked about!”

“Oh?”

“I asked him about the school and who I might have classes with. Thankfully, I have most of my classes with him. I also have one with you.”

“Which one would that be?”

“History with Mr. Smith.”

“Oh man. That guy used to sympathize with me.”

“And why’s that?”

“He, uh, never found his soul mate. His soul mate’s name had faded years ago and he never even knew what he looked like. He sympathized with me because he thought maybe I’d have the same fate, but maybe he’ll be happy that I didn’t.” I scratched the back of my head. “Maybe he’ll be upset and sad. That said, he wouldn’t take it out on you.” I took a long drag and exhaled through my noise. I noticed he was looking at me and I grabbed his hand.

His face turned red and he tried to look away without me noticing. He was cute. Too cute, but I could also tell that he was desperately nervous about something. “Am I still allowed to come over after school?”

He looked back at me, still blushing. “Of course. I got a ride here with Annie so I can just ride with you if that’s ok.”

His smile could melt the polar ice caps. “Yeah, sure thing.”

\--

I held his hand the entire time I smoked, only to let go to light up another one. As I stomped out the second one, I pulled out my phone. “Hmm, we should probably go in. We still have some time to shoot the shit with our friends if we see them.”

“Sounds nice. My nerves are still out of control, though. I wish I could just calm down.”

We started walking and I wished there was something I could say to help him through it. I just squeezed his hand as a silent attempt to help. I wanted him to be comfortable and I didn’t even get to see him until lunch and then 5th period. That was a selfish thought. He could be comfortable without me.

“Jean?”

I jerked my head up and looked over at him.

“What’re you thinking about?”

“Oh, uh…I just want you to be comfortable today. This school’s really not that bad. People can be intimidating, but there are a few bullies. It’s mostly just the jocks and their stupid girlfriends. They used to bug our group a lot because most of us are gay, but Reiner kind of took care of that. Especially when they started to pick on Bertholdt. The guy’s tall, but he’s not all that tough. He prefers to stay in the background as much as possible.”

He nodded and looked up at the sky. “I really like all your friends.”

“Hey, they’re your friends too now.” I bumped into his shoulder.

“Well, Armin’s easy to talk to, but some of them are kind of…intimidating.”

“Annie and Mikasa can be. Eren’s just an idiot.”

“I’ve noticed he can be really smart though.”

“That is also true. I just think he’s an idiot because Armin’s so much smarter.”

He chuckled a little, but I felt him tense up as we approached the school. What could I do to calm him down? I panicked and turned my head to kiss his cheek, but I felt him relax.

“Marco! Jean!”

We looked up to see Armin and Eren coming towards us. Actually, it was more like Armin was dragging Eren over to us. He looked exhausted which was usually the opposite.

Marco spoke first, “Hi, guys.” He smiled.

“What happened to Eren?”

He groaned and looked up at me. “Someone has more stamina than I do and he rubs it in my face in the morning.”

I laughed and saw Marco turn away, blushing. I clapped a hand on his shoulder and pulled him into a hug from behind. I whispered, “You get used to it. You’ll wanna be this open with them one day.” He simply nodded and I released my grip on him.

Armin looked up at the clock hanging from the ceiling. “Oh man, we’re gonna be late. Marco, you have 1st period science with me. Come on.”

Marco looked at me. “I’ll see you at lunch?”

I nodded. “Definitely.”

He and Armin both smiled before walking in the other direction.

Eren turned to me. “And we have to get to algebra. So, quit day-dreaming about your perfect man who doesn’t keep you up half the night wanting to fuck.”

I chuckled and jammed my hands in my pocket, following Eren. This was going to be a good day.

\--

Lunchtime rolled around and we all migrated outside with whatever food we brought with us. Annie and I were usually the first ones outside, but this time it was different. Marco, Eren, and Armin had beaten us outside.

She dug in her bag for her pack of cigarettes and pulled one out, lighting it up. “Someone sure hurried their asses out here.”

Armin chuckled. “We wanted to show Marco the usual lunch spot. We were just telling him how you and Jean were the first ones to usually show up so you could both smoke, eat, then smoke some more.”

He wasn’t wrong. I pulled out my own pack and lit up a cigarette. I took a seat next to Marco before inhaling a lot drag and leaning my head back before exhaling. I groaned and leaned into him.

He chuckled. “What class did you just get out of?”

“English. I really hate my teacher. She’s so pissed off all the time because her husband is an idiot.”

“She doesn’t love her soul mate?”

Everyone simultaneously turned to Marco and his eyes widened in fear.

Annie exhaled out her nose before speaking. “Mrs. Ral loves her husband, but he isn’t her soul mate. Turns out they had met both their soul mates, but decided to tempt fate. They both ditched their soul mates in high school and hooked up with each other mostly to piss off Ral’s parents. Her husband’s a really nice man, but they just fight like a normal couple in love. It’s weird how people do things like that.”

Mikasa walked up and nearly gave us all a heart attack. “Are we telling Ral’s story again? It’s so stupid to screw up the rules like that.”

I chimed in, “As long as they’re happy, I think it’s whatever.” I took a drag from my cigarette and puffed it out through my nose.

Then, Armin brought up Mr. Smith. I knew he would too. “You guys have Mr. Smith together don’t you?”

I turned away, but Marco nodded. “I heard about him. It just seems so sad to have your soul mate die before you even meet them.”

I shrugged. I had been debating the subject a lot. Was it better to meet your soul mate then have them die an early death or have them die before even meeting them? Either way, I wasn’t about to lose Marco anytime soon so there was no point in worrying about it. I leaned into him and smiled a little, still puffing on my cigarette.

\--

Lunch blew past us pretty quickly and we were almost all late for 4th period. Unfortunately, I had science class without any of my friends. I spent most of it drawing. I drew no one in particular, but I ended up putting freckles on each character I drew. At this point, Marco was all I could think about at this point and the questions revolving around our relationship.

How often was I allowed to kiss him?

Was I allowed to calm my boyfriend?

Was it too soon for sex?

What about oral?

I groaned quietly into my sleeve so my teacher wouldn’t notice and went back to sketching. At least it was a little bit of a distraction, but not much. I just wanted to see him already. I glanced up at the clock. Class had gone by faster than I had thought. We only had five minutes left so I started packing up my stuff. At the last minute, homework was assigned and I ended up scrawling it on the back of my hand before the bell rang. After that, I high-tailed it out of there and made it in record speed to Mr. Smith’s class. Armin must have been walking Marco to his classes because he was standing there with him outside the door before he noticed me.

“Jean!”

I smiled a little and walked over to them as casually as possible without seeming too eager. It was our 2nd to last period, but I didn’t mind as long as I was with Marco. “Hey, you two. Have you been showing him around, Armin?” I reached down to lace my fingers in between Marco’s and gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. He gave me the same motion back.

“I have, but now that you’re here, I have to get going if I don’t want to be late. Try not to distract each too much this hour.” He smiled and turned away, his blonde hair bouncing as he walked to his class.

“I hope he’s been helping.”

“Hm? Oh, yeah. I would’ve been so lost without him. This school is big.”

I walked into the room, still holding his hand and had him sit next to me. “Well, tell me how it’s been so far.”

“I’ve had to do a lame introduction in every class. Basically just my name and where I’m from. I usually just say where I was born because I’ve moved so much. I really hope I don’t have to do one in here.” He groaned and folded his arms on the desk, putting his head down against them.

I chuckled. “He might make you, but it’s not that big of a deal. He’s the most relaxed teacher at this school, to be honest.”

He turned his head toward me, still keeping it down. “Good because some of them have been really high-strung. It’s about to drive me insane.”

“It’ll cool down once you get used to the vibes here. Has anyone given you any trouble at all?”

He shook his head. “No one’s even given me much of a second glance. I got to meet Krista and Ymir though. Krista’s nice, but Ymir is…”

“Yikes, I know. She’s super protective over Krista. We call her Freckled Satan behind her back.”

He laughed. “That’s mean! I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh.”

“No, laugh. It’s really cute.”

He elbowed me gently in the side before the bell rang and everyone started to take out their textbooks and pens. Mr. Smith walked into the room and eyed everyone in the room. His face lit up when he saw Marco.

“You must be Mr. Bodt. I suppose you’ve been introducing yourself all day so I’ll cut you a break.” He turned his attention towards the rest of the class. “Everyone, this is Marco. He just moved here so cut him some slack for a while and then you can give him a hard time.”

Marco and I both laughed a little. Mr. Smith gave me a knowing glance and I nodded in response. He sat at his desk and opened up his textbook. “Alright, everyone open up to Chapter 28 and start reading. Take notes if you wish, but I just want you to get this chapter read. I’ll be grading your tests from Friday up here if you need me.” With that, we were on our own for the rest of the period.

I pulled my iPod out of my pocket and nudged Marco, offering him an ear bud. He took it and I turned on the Dresden Dolls. It was a band Levi had shown me. They were amazing and I figured Marco would appreciate it. I glanced over once it was playing and he was already tapping his fingers along with the beat. I smiled and got to work.

\--

Roughly an album later, the bell was ringing and we hadn’t been watching the clock. Neither of us were taking notes, but instead discreetly playing with each other’s hands and feet. It was nice just touching him to know he was there. We didn’t even have to say anything.

I turned off the music and put the player back in my pocket. “That was probably the best period of history I’ve ever had.” I had finally packed up all my things and was waiting for Marco to do the same so we could walk out of the room together.

“I liked it a lot. Will he really let us sit together like that every day?” He picked up his messenger bag and took my hand as we walked out of the room.

“Probably. Like I said, he’s really relaxed when it comes to certain things. As long as we’re not a disruption, he’ll let us stick together. Anyway, what’s your last class?”

“Oh, I just have study hall.”

“Well, shit, that’s on the first floor. My art class is up on the second. Will you wait at my car for me?”

“Of course I’ll wait. You’re my ride anyway.” With that, he leaned in and gave me a kiss. A kiss in front of everyone. I had to admit, it felt incredible. I was in shock as he was waving me off and heading downstairs.

I tried to hide the stupid smile on my face as I walked to my art class. I had it with Armin so it was always nice to talk about our days while we drew or painted.

I met him outside the door, beaming with joy from my last period. He noticed.

“I take it things went well in Smith’s?”

“So well. It was just a study period so we listened to an album that Levi had let me download. He also let me hold his hand almost the entire time.”

“Well, try and get your brain into art now. You just have one hour left and then Marco is all yours and only yours.” He walked into the room and sat down.

I took my usual seat next to him. “He told me he called you this morning. He also told me he had a surprise for me. Should I be worried?”

Armin pulled out a sketchbook and snickered. “I think you should be ecstatic. I can’t tell you what he’s planning though because I took an oath of secrecy.” He opened up his sketchbook and every page was filled with humanoid looking creatures that looked like they were carnivorous giants. He didn’t really know what they were himself, but he liked drawing them and he always got good grades when he put them into an assignment.

I pulled out my own sketches. I wasn’t as organized as Armin. I had about 3 half-filled sketchbooks and lots of doodles on loose pieces of paper. I was simply one of those artists that had to be disorganized to stay organized. I started pulling out some of the works that I had done earlier today. Armin glanced at them.

“Those are nice. They look like some sort of military uniform.” He chuckled a little. “Are all your models gonna have freckles now?”

“Hey, freckles are easy and fun to draw besides it adds character.”

“Then why don’t you ever draw Ymir?”

“It’s against my religion to put Satan down into an art form.”

\--

We kept quiet that period. Armin and I both had headphones in the entire time. By the time it was five to 3, I glanced over and noticed he had even put freckles on what appeared to be a female humanoid giant. I had to call him out on it. “That looks just like her.”

He laughed out loud. “It kind of does. Maybe I’ll save it and give it to her and Krista as a wedding present. What did you end up drawing?”

I spread out what I had been working on. “More of those military uniform designs. I was mostly designing the regiment emblems so I didn’t have to draw models, but I drew a couple. And yes, they have freckles.”

He looked them over and a huge grin formed on his face. “Those aren’t just models with freckles, you’re drawing Marco in those military uniforms. You’ve got it bad and I’m slightly offended.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You’re offended?”

“You used to draw me all the time. I thought what we had was special.” He started to fake cry and I pushed him playfully. He giggled and started putting his things away. “I like the ideas you have right now. You should work with them for your final project.”

I started cramming papers in notebooks and stuffing them in my bag before zipping it up. “I was thinking about it. I’ve gotten a lot better at it too since the beginning of the year. I never would have thought that I’d have a knack for portraits.”

“It’s a gift. You’re lucky.” He smiled just as the bell rang and he stood up. “I’ll catch you tomorrow, alright? I have to do more stamina testing on Eren tonight.”

I snorted and waved him off as he left the room. I stood up and tried not to walk too fast out of the room. I was excited, but I couldn’t get my hopes up too much. For all I knew, his parents were home and we wouldn’t be allowed to even keep the door shut. It didn’t matter though; I just wanted to be with him.

I lit up a cigarette as soon as I got outside and made my way to my car. I didn’t see Marco anywhere near the doors so he must already be there. Study hall was close to the back entrance anyway. I took long drags, trying to get my nerves to ease as I got closer to my car. Deep breathing and smoking didn’t exactly go hand in hand however.

Once I was close, I finally stopped looking at my feet to see him there. Instead of calming down, my stomach twisted in complete knots and I thought I was going to throw up. I kept my lunch down with another inhale of smoke and walked up to him. “Hey you. So, what’s the plan?”

“Well, we’re going to drive to my house and we’ll see how things go once we step in the house. Now, unlock the car. I wanna get going.”

I did as he asked and got in as well. I rolled down my window all the way and breathed in the late-spring air. I looked over to him and noticed he had rolled down his window as well. His face was slightly flushed and he was smiling as he looked up at the trees. I pulled out of my parking space and made my way to his place.

\--

Once we were there, I rolled up the window and turned off my car, still feeling nervous. I looked over at him and I knew he could tell. He gripped the back of my neck and pulled me into a long kiss. I played back and moved my lips along with his a little. He pulled away not long before it started. “Come on.” He got out of the car and I followed him.

He hadn’t moved from beside the car and he was holding out his hand. I took it and then we started walking up the steps to his front door. He grabbed a key out of his pocket and unlocked the front door. “I’m home!” No one answered and my stomach knotted once again. “Awesome. No one’s home. Things are going perfectly already.”

“You have something planned, don’t you?”

He chuckled. “It’s possible, but it’s simply chance that my parents are working late tonight.”

“What do your parents do?”

“My mother’s an obstetrician and my dad is an RN. They’re on-call at the hospital almost all the time. It gets pretty lonely here all by myself.” He gave me this look and I swore his eyes were glistening with lust.

“W-well, I’m here to keep you company tonight.” I pulled him into a tight hug and kissed him with a force I didn’t know I had.

He held me just as tight and moved his lips with mine. I was surprised when he started to lick at my lips, begging me to let his tongue into my mouth. I eagerly let him. He licked over my top teeth and then danced his tongue over mine. My whole body shivered, but I imitated his motions. My head was rushing and I felt like I was going to collapse before he pulled away and whispered, “Do you wanna take this to my room?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a wonderful cliff hanger, am I right?   
> I had to put a note at the end just to tease you guys~  
> I promise, promise, promise, Chapter 6 will have action.   
> At least...a little action.


	6. Clarity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I would like to apologize for how damn long this took. Actions are a lot harder to write for me than dialogue, but hey look, a rating change~  
> Also, this is total garbage and I really want to get better at writing smut, but for now, you get this.   
> Fair warning as well, chapter 7 might take just as long. I'm having a really hard time finding inspiration. I just want you to know that this fic is not about to go unfinished so don't give up on me.

“Do you wanna take this to my room?”

I nodded maybe a little too fast and he smiled, obviously nervous. Our hands were both trembling as we made our way up to his room. I had never even seen his room before. You could tell so much about a person just by their room.

When he opened the door, it wasn’t exactly what I had expected. There were clothes on the floor, the bed wasn’t made, and there was a small TV on the floor with a video game system hooked up to it. It was perfection. However, there was no time to admire it right now.

I decided to take charge. I pulled Marco back into a tight embrace, kissing him like we had before. Except this time, it was much more intense and sloppy. We were practically drooling on each other. I didn’t mind either. It was almost like breaking through a comfort zone and I loved it. This was comfortable. This was right.

He stumbled backward onto the bed and I fell over him, worrying I’d break him. He didn’t seem to mind by the way he couldn’t keep his lips off mine. I had to pull away to breathe and of course, ask a stupid question. “What are we doing?”

“Whatever you’re comfortable with,” He panted.

“I think it should be whatever we’re both comfortable with.” My eyes were half-lidded and my whole body felt like it was burning up. I just needed him right then and there.

I stood up, letting him sit as he smiled a little. “Let’s take it slow then. I know you’re as nervous as me, but this feels right…right?”

“Right.” I leaned down and kissed him hard before running a hand from his chest down to his stomach. I felt his stomach contract and I moaned.

He lay back and I didn’t dare break the kiss. I straddled his hips, feeling insanely unattractive and self-conscience. What did it matter? His eyes were closed. I let the negative thoughts pass and I reached under his shirt to feel his stomach. He was more toned than I had expected and it was about to drive me insane.

I was the one who ended up breaking the kiss so I could pull off his shirt. After that, my lips wandered. They started out on his neck. I kissed it once before I licked my lips. I breathed out shakily before planting more kisses on his jaw line and down the side of his neck. At some point, I stopped kissing and started sucking. I was tasting him, but also marking him. He was mine and I needed everyone to know.

He let out a small squeak, his voice barely a whisper, “You’re driving me up the wall.”

“I’m just claiming you first.” I snickered a little as my hands worked their way to his belt. My hands still definitely did whatever they wanted, but I didn’t mind at this point. I put my lips back to his as I got his belt undid and everything off. I felt like I was cheating him by still being fully clothed, but I didn’t mind. We’d get to that point.

I stood up to look at him. I almost couldn’t describe how perfect he looked. His chest was riding quickly and he had a hand covering his mouth. He was looking away from me and his face was bright red. Absolute perfection.

I was snapped out of my admiration. “Jean, you’re gonna kill me.”

I obliged and before I knew what I was doing, I was on my knees and then I actually _did_ realize that I really had no idea what I was doing. There wasn’t anything I could do wrong though. I knew what felt good to me so I’d give it a shot.

I gripped the base of his shaft and he let out a soft sound. I felt myself getting harder. I exhaled slowly and ran his tongue over the head slowly, waiting for a reaction. He gave me everything I expected when his body relaxed.

I felt myself breathing heavily as I just moved my tongue around, trying to figure out how I’d even fit it in my mouth. It was all about mechanics, at least, that was the thought that kept me from running away from feeling too nervous.

Once I had everything all slimy and memorized by the standards of my tongue, I took the head into my mouth. This, I could handle no problem so I kept it there and moved until I felt his fingers tangle through my hair and pull.

This made me moan and I took more of him into my mouth. I tried to look up at him, but his eyes were still closed. I smirked to myself and gripped onto his thighs, moving my head back and forth. I knew I would choke if I tried to go any further, but I had to try if he instigated.

And there he was, instigating. He was writhing and pulling hard on my hair, trying to get me to go deeper. I balled my hands into fists, clenching my thumbs and found myself hitting the base. His pubic hair tickled and I was lost in the moment before I found myself choking, pulling off, and gasping for air.

His grip loosened on my hair and he started to speak, but I went back at it. I had to be good at this. I had to build good stamina for him.

The second time around was easier. I wasn’t going too deep and my hands were relaxed on his thighs. He put his hands over mine and his back was arching. I braced myself as best as I could for what was about to happen.

Graceful would have been a good antonym for it. As he came, I tasted it and couldn’t keep my mouth closed over his dick any longer. I let him squirt out onto my tongue which only ended up getting the floor dirty. I looked like a mess, but I had never felt better in my life.

I kept my mouth opened as I panted and let more drip onto the floor. Marco sat up and didn’t seem to mind the mess or my demeanor or anything. He leaned down and brought me into a kiss, pulling me up on my knees. I wrapped my arms around his neck.

“Your turn.”

I felt my face get hot as we were switching positions and I was pushed onto my back. This couldn’t really be happening. It was too good to be true. I was dreaming and I would wake up at any moment.

He kissed me once as I sat up to help him get my shirt off. I don’t think I had ever been so hungry for anything in my life. “Please,” I pleaded for him to just start. I couldn’t take the tension anymore.

He smirked at me slowly, painfully, got onto his knees and began to undo my jeans. I was shaking and messing up my hair. I was anxious and jittery as the slow motions were getting to me. I was about to kick him in the face if he didn’t hurry up.

Almost on command, he pulled off my jeans along with my boxers and I let out a little sigh of relief. There was still more relief to come, but now I knew he couldn’t tease me as much.

My breathing picked up and my whole body twitched. I needed his touch more than I realized. I don’t think I had ever been so desperate in my life and before I could even take another breath, his mouth was on me. It was wet and warm and my body contorted in ways that I didn’t know it could. I reached down to tangle my fingers in his hair. It was a lot shorter than mine and it was weird that I was just now noticing this.

My thoughts were interrupted by the feeling of him moving his head and sucking. It was a feeling I couldn’t describe, but something was welling up in my stomach and I was praying that I didn’t finish too soon.

I could hear myself whining and they were pitiful sounds, but they were all I could manage. I couldn’t form words at this point. I could feel myself reaching climax as lame as it was to be finishing so early and I wanted to tell him to wait or warn him, but the words were trapped.

I took my hands out of his hair and covered my face instead as I came. At this point I was letting out a groan of embarrassment. I didn’t exactly know what else to feel. I was hardly relieved because my stomach was in knots and everything was just so awkward.

I felt him come off me and he reached up to move my hands from my face. I opened my eyes a little and noticed he was just about as red as I knew I was. I smiled a little, feeling a bit more comfortable.

He spoke first, “How was that?”

“Um, really weird and different, but I liked it.”

“Good. I feel the same way.”

He leaned down to kiss me and I returned it eagerly. My mind was racing, however. It was strange to me that we were already so intimate, but I took Annie’s words to heart that him being my soul mate gave me a free pass to fuck on the first date. At least she said something along those lines. I was lost between the kiss and what had just happened.

He pulled away and I hadn’t even been paying attention. I just kind of wanted to get dressed. Everything still felt awkward to me. It wasn’t in a bad way either just…weird. I sat up, but put a smile on my face to try and show Marco that everything was ok. I had a good excuse to get dressed though.

“I really need a cigarette.”

He chuckled and stood up. “Fair enough.” He reached for his clothes first and that made me feel a little better.

We dressed quickly and quietly. I groped my jacket pockets for my cigarettes once we were both clothed and picked one out and stuck it behind my ear. “Where should we go?”

“Hm? Oh, out back probably would be best. It’s more secluded anyway.”

I snickered. “Annie’s your neighbor. It doesn’t matter where you are, she’s probably spying on you.”

He took my hand and started to lead me downstairs. “Why do you say that?”

“Annie has a tendency to need to know everything. She probably already knows that I came home with you. She’s gonna bug both of us tomorrow about it. If it’s not first thing in the morning, it’ll be at lunch.”

We got outside and he sat down on the edge of his concrete porch, pulling down with him. He probably didn’t even realize it. He seemed troubled by the things I was saying about Annie.

“You really think she’s spying on me?”

I took the cigarette from behind my ear and lit it up. I gave him a puzzled look. “Are you really that worried about it?”

“It just seems weird that she’d be so interested in us.”

I took a long drag and exhaled the smoke out slowly, not giving it time to curl in the air like it naturally did. “She just likes to give me a hard time. It makes her feel superior since she’s shorter and younger than the rest of our group. Well, besides Krista, but we’re not as close with Ymir and Krista as we’d like to be.” That was an automatic subject change and he jumped at it.

“Why’s that?”

“It’s because Ymir is so protective of Krista. They’re just about always together. Krista moved in with Ymir not too long ago because of some home troubles that she never wanted to talk about. We don’t pry and they never talk about their home life. I guess Armin and Krista talk a bit, but other than that, we’re pretty distant from them. At least they always seem happy to be in each other’s presence. It makes us relieved to see that.” I smiled to myself as I took another drag. I looked over to Marco and noticed he was staring at me with a dorky smile on his face. I broke eye contact immediately, but he carried on the conversation.

“I’m surprised Annie doesn’t know about it.”

I had to laugh at that. “I guess I’m pretty surprised too.”

“Do any of them ever get into fights?” Another subject change.

I had to think on that one. “Mostly about stupid things. I don’t think I’ve ever seen any of them get into big blow-out fights like they wanna break up and screw the whole soul mate thing.”

He nodded and stayed silent. I followed his pattern and just sucked on my cigarette. Fighting was a weird thing to think about. Sure, they never fought, but I was different. I had a bit of a temper, but so did Eren, come to think of it. Perhaps he was just too infatuated to pick a fight with Armin. Or maybe it was because Armin was so damn sensitive that anything could set him off.

My head was hurting. Despite what had just happened, I was here thinking about how my friends managed to stay so civil towards each other with the push button tempers they had. I sighed and took another drag off my cigarette before staring at it and noticing it was down to the filter. I put it out in the dirt and held the butt in my hand, trying to figure out what to do with it.

Marco looked over at me and I jumped when he spoke up. “Throw it in Annie’s yard. If she’s spying, she’ll know we’re thinking of her.” The smile on his face was so genuine, I had to return it.

I got up and threw the butt into her yard. I looked through the slats on the fence while I was at it and didn’t see anything. For all I knew, she could be at Mikasa’s. I shrugged it off and sat down where I was before, but closer to Marco. “Annie wasn’t outside so I think we’re good. I don’t even know if she’s home.”

“I guess she wouldn’t have had time to even get home by the time we were already inside.”

“Very true.” I crossed my arms over my knees and put my head down on them.

Marco mimicked me and smiled. “Whatcha thinkin’ about?”

I chuckled a little. “Too much of everything. I’m still trying to process what happened when we were upstairs. Also, I’m focusing on my friends’ relationships instead of this one. I have no idea what to even call you besides my soul mate which sounds so dumb to me.”

“Why does it sound dumb?”

“Armin and Eren call themselves boyfriends and that just seems sweeter to me. However, I don’t think I’ve ever heard either Annie or Mikasa utter the word ‘girlfriend’ and I’m not sure why. I’m stupid.”

“Hey, you’re not stupid. You’re just trying to grasp the fact that you actually found your soul mate.”

_Is that all we are, then? Is that all you wanna call me?_

Those were selfish thoughts, but I couldn’t help thinking them. However, I really didn’t want to pressure him into having to call me anything. He was probably just as confused as I am. Maybe I should just leave and go home to mull things over.

“I’m sorry.”

That was sudden. I turned to him, a little shocked. “Excuse me?” That came off in a bad tone, but I didn’t have the nerve to correct myself.

“I said I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I get so nervous around you that sometimes I don’t know what to do. When we were upstairs, that was mostly nerves taking over. I didn’t have to talk, I just had to make my actions seem natural.”

“You did a pretty good job with that.”

He chuckled, but went on. “Anyway, I may not be ready to call you my boyfriend or anything, but I don’t want to just call you my soul mate forever. That’s pretty selfish, but it’s just how things have to be for me for a while.”

“No, I get it. I get it.” I sighed softly and blew my bangs out of my face.

“I just need time. I’ll get clarity eventually.”

If only I could simply _be_ his clarity. That would be a miracle. “I should probably get home. It’s been a while since I’ve actually talked to my mom with everything that’s been happening this weekend.”

He nodded and we both stood up. “Understandable.” He took my hand as we made our way to the front door. He opened the door for me and kissed me softly. There wasn’t as much passion as before. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I smiled a little and nodded, then headed out to my car. I wanted to scream at myself as I got in. This was so stupidly ridiculous. We were soul mates and he was being a flake about something like this.

I started my car and lit up a cigarette as I made my way home. As weird as it sounded, maybe my mom would clear my head of all this stupid boy bullshit.

\--

It felt like it took no time at all to get home. I had finished my cigarette a while ago so that’s how I knew nothing in the route had changed. I turned off my car and went inside.

Mom was sitting in her chair, reading a different book than she had been a few days ago. She looked up to me. “It feels like it’s been forever with you running around.”

I half-smiled. “I know. It’s just been a busy weekend with meeting Marco and everything.” It was then that I had _my_ moment of clarity. I knew what I needed and my mom couldn’t know. “I’d love to talk more, but I have a lot of homework that I need to get started on.”

“I understand. I’m glad you’ve been having fun though. I’ll see you whenever you’re done or tomorrow.” She went back to reading her book. Perfect.

I hurried back into my room and kneeled beside my bedside table. I reached underneath the small opening under it to find the baggie that Levi had sold me. I opened the drawer to the table as well and pulled out a blade from a broken shaving razor. It wasn’t ideal, but it was all I had at this moment.

I poured out a little bit of the powder and was able to cut up two lines in no time. I put the blade back in the drawer and the baggie back under the table. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a loose dollar bill. I rolled it up as tight as I could and put it to my nose then leaned over to breathe relief into my nose.

It stung as usual, but I knew that I would soon be filled with ease. I put the dollar back in my pocket and looked at my clock. It was around 6:30 and I already knew that I probably wouldn’t be sleeping tonight. I would need more lines after this to keep me awake, but I could always go to the bank later and pull money out from my savings if I needed more. Hooray for 24-hour ATMs.

I put on some music and began rummaging through my drawers for something to do. I knew I’d find weird things that would remind me of my friends and not of Marco. Tonight might actually be ok. I would make it.


	7. Wasted Hours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it's about 2 in the morning and I just wrote most of this. My writing progress is the weirdest thing in the world.  
> Anyway, more drugs (of course) and a lot of Levi and Hanji.   
> I'm hoping to be able to write more in a short period of time because I know how agonizing it is to wait for chapters. I really apologize about that.

I was strung out big time and there was no denying that.

I looked over at my clock and it was about 4 in the morning. I wasn’t running too low, but I felt like I needed even more. You know, just in case I was dropping lines at school. I was heavily contemplating that.

I got up and went to grab my shoes, but realized I never took them off. I had been fucked up for longer than I thought. I just shook my head and grabbed my keys, ready to rock.

I had to be pretty quiet as I snuck out into the living room. My mom’s room was right next to mine so shutting the door carefully and quietly was an art which I managed to do with no problems. We were in the clear.

I did have to be careful of the front door as well. I opened it slowly, stepped out, and closed it just as slowly. I was functioning pretty well for how strung out I was. Now, I just had to successfully drive to the bank like this. It shouldn’t be too much of a problem.

I made my way to my car, feeling a chill run down my spine and I unlocked it, sliding in. I let out a breath and started the engine.

\--

I took out $300 and was already at Levi’s door by 5. I had taken a little drive after getting the money because I really liked driving on this stuff. I liked driving when I was fucked up on anything though.

I could hear the radio playing at a generous sound level so I knew someone was awake. I held my breath as I knocked. If one of them was sleeping, I didn’t wanna wake them up. I just needed this one little thing and I’d be gone.

Levi answered the door. He looked beyond exhausted and his hair was a wreck. It didn’t look like he had slept either, but I had no idea what he was on. I didn’t care to ask either. He looked pretty pissed off.

“Hey, kid.” His expression softened drastically. “What can I do ya for?”

“Oh, uh, I just need some more stuff.”

“Well, you’re in luck. I just got a new shipment and it’s pretty great if I do say so myself. Come on in.” He stepped out of the doorway and let me in and shut the door. He walked over and sat down on the couch.

The table was littered. There were about four different packages and cans of shisha that were opened and the hookah was burning. The small mirror, razorblade and straw were out and there were a few baggies filled with what I assumed was cocaine. There was a larger bag sitting next to them that had been lazily shut just by twisting the plastic.

I never understood how the two of them could afford this stuff. I wasn’t really sure if Hanji had a job and I knew that Levi only dealt. He must have had some sort of connection that got him a good amount for cheap. He definitely sold it for more than it was worth, but Levi was the most trust-worthy dealer in town from what I knew.

My thought process was interrupted by his voice. “Since I had so much, I’m gonna cut you a half-off deal once again. Do you need one or two grams?”

If I got two, I’d have to go the bank again to get some more money for food and cigarettes. It would be worth it though. The more coke I had, the better.

“Two. Two’s good.”

He smiled a little and handed me two of the pre-weighed baggies. “That’ll be $300.”

I pulled my wallet out of my jacket pocket and handed him a bundle of 20s. I took the baggies and put them in my pocket with my wallet.

“Oh, I also got you something. Free of charge.” He went into the kitchen and opened up the freezer and pulled out a carton of cigarettes. He grabbed two packs from the carton and tossed them to me.

“Oh, thanks man. It means a lot.”

“Yeah. Yeah. I should be thanking you for getting Hanji to start smoking these instead of those nasty and expensive menthols. 8 bucks a pack is frickin’ ridiculous.”

He came back over to the couch and grabbed his own pack of cigarettes off the table. He never had a preferred brand, it was just whatever he wanted at the time. He was even known to smoke menthols occasionally.

He lit up as I packed my smokes. “I’m kind of guessing we’ve both been up all night.”

I nodded and I started to take off the cellophane. “It was an interesting day yesterday and I figured drugs would numb my brain. They have to the point where I don’t even know what I was upset about. All I know is I’m happy that I got a little action.”

“Atta boy.” He snickered and took a long drag off his cigarette. “Oh, hey. The hookah’s still going and I don’t even remember what I put in it.” He took a hit from the hose and smacked his lips a bit after exhaling. “Ok, I have no idea what it is, but it’s good.” He offered me the hose.

I took it from him and took a long hit. It was minty, but it wasn’t what he had before. I liked it a lot though. I took another hit before setting the hose down on the table.

Levi took long drags of his cigarette like he was trying to figure out if the meaning of life was inhaling smoke into his lungs. He coughed and spoke. “This shit is so good. I might just be up for a bit longer.”

“Have you been doing this all night?”

He laughed. “I took two lines about 2 or 3 hours ago after getting Hanji from work and-“

I interrupted, “Hanji has a job?”

He looked at me like I had clown make-up on. “You didn’t know she had a job? Dealing isn’t steady income, kid. Anyway, she’s a bartender at one of the shitty clubs downtown. I mean, it’s shitty, but she gets paid well in tips. She seems to like it a lot. I think she gets along with a lot of the dancers. She also gets me a lot of goods for cheap that I can sell at a higher price. She’s good at what she does and she likes it so it’s whatever.”

“What days does she work?”

“She only has Wednesdays off, but that’s ok. Sometimes it’s nice to just be alone. I mean, I love her, but she’s insane.”

I chuckled and took a drag from my cigarette and leaned over to ash in the tray on the hookah. Levi was always able to get me out of my head and that was nice. It was also good to know that even he could be driven insane by his soul mate.

“Hey, how often do you guys fight?”

He didn’t miss a beat. “It’s more often than you’d think actually. She gets mad at me when I get upset if the sheets on the bed aren’t washed regularly or I’ll get mad when she ends up staying at the club too late to get drunk. The last one’s not so much of a problem, but she sometimes just gets so out of it. I think she has a drinking problem, but she won’t acknowledge it.”

“Does she think you have a drug problem?”

“She’ll accuse me of it only when we’re fighting. I definitely dabble in more of what I sell than she does. She’ll also go on about how I don’t have a real job, but I’ve never wanted one. Being a productive member of society never really had an appeal to me. I like to be shut in. Occasionally, she’ll drag me to the club with her whether she’s working or not and get me going with a good buzz where I’m confident enough to tip the dancers. Most girlfriends would hate it if their boyfriends did that, but she thinks it’s hilarious. She likes it when I’m happy and I like it when she’s happy. It’s as simple as that. Happiness is key.” With that, he put his cigarette out and leaned back into the couch.

He was right. Happiness was definitely important in any relationship. I was happy just to have met Marco, but maybe things were going too fast. He said he was bad with words, but I was worse. We’d definitely need to talk more before anything new or exciting happened.

\--

The next time I looked at the clock, it was 6:30 and Levi was happy to let me stay for as long as I had. I took a shower there and ate some leftover food Hanji had brought home earlier. We ended up smoking a few more cigarettes and another bowl of shisha before Hanji came out of the bedroom.

“Well, good morning you two.” She smiled a little, obviously groggy from what little sleep she got. Her eye makeup was smudged and her hair was pulled up into a messy ponytail that looked like she had had it in since yesterday. There was no denying that she was still gorgeous though.

I was thankful to be able to see her before I had to leave for school in about a half an hour. “Good morning. I heard you didn’t get a lot of sleep.”

She came out of the kitchen with a can of Pepsi and sat down next to Levi. “Monday nights can be surprisingly fun at a club. Besides, it’s hard for me to sleep without another person with me.” She pulled Levi in for a kiss.

It was short and he gave her a look that almost made me burst out laughing. “Have you brushed your teeth?”

“Nope, not yet.”

“You’re gross.”

“Sorry, but you’re stuck with me.”

I stifled a chuckle and lit up another cigarette. I was coming down big time and just figured it was best to wait until the last moment to take another line or two.

“Have you guys been up all night?”

“No possible way either of us could have slept. This kid comes knocking on my door at 4 in the morning wanting some coke and he was lucky.”

“Is it really that good? Who did you get it from?”

“Oh god, it’s great. I actually got it from Gunter. He cut me a great deal too. I plan to sell it for what it’s worth. That is, to anyone who’s not Jean.”

I chuckled. “I appreciate the deals you’ve been giving me. Speaking of which, do you have any pills you could spare? Just in case, you know.”

He held up a finger and went into the bathroom. That gave Hanji a chance to ask me what was up.

“Hittin’ the lines hard tonight, sweetie?”

“Big time. Something happened with Marco yesterday and it left me feeling weird and empty.”  
“Elaborate and don’t bother sparing me the dirty details. I’ve heard it all.”

I took a drag from my cigarette before going on. “It was basically just dick sucking, but something was refusing him from calling me his boyfriend and it hurt for some reason. It seems stupid now.”

“That’s the high talking. You’re gonna be super upset from it when you crash and when you do, don’t use for a few days to let that shit settle out of your system. Trust me.”

I simply nodded and Levi came back into the room with an almost full bottle. “I snagged quite a few Percs the other day. I’ll spare you five for now. Does that sound good?”

“Sounds great. I still have that empty bottle from the other night, in fact.” I handed it to him and watched him put in 5 tablets. He put the lid back on and gave it back to me.

“You really amaze me sometimes.”

“Pardon?”

“I mean…you’re this teenage kid who lives with his single mother and you do all this bad, illegal stuff and she’s never found out? You’ve never gotten caught by anyone?”

I shrugged. “My friends know about it, but my mom never pays much mind to me. She lets me do what I want because she thinks I’m responsible. She knows that if kids are babied too much, they end up being defiant and incredibly reckless. I may be reckless, but I wouldn’t do anything that would scar my mom for life.”

“This doesn’t seem like it would scar her?”

“It’s just a coping mechanism! Some kids hurt themselves, some delve in sex, and I practice the art of drug abuse.” I smiled to myself and took another drag of my cigarette.

He chuckled and sat back next to Hanji. “I wouldn’t call you a complete drug abuser yet. You can go clean for an extended period of time and be fine without craving it. You know where to get it, but you don’t come knocking on my door every day. These last few days you have, but other than that, you’re pretty chilled out. I get some guys who never leave me alone to the point where I have to keep my phone off for a few days.”

I nodded and kept puffing off my cigarette. A new question popped into my head all of a sudden, but it seemed extremely important. “How did you two meet?”

Hanji instantly fell back on the couch laughing and Levi threw a pillow at her. I raised an eyebrow. “Sorry I asked?”

Hanji sat up, wiping her eyes. “No, no. It’s just really funny how we met and came to know we were meant to be. Care to tell him?”

“No,” Levi said dryly.

She snickered a little. “Ok. This is a good one. Pay close attention.”

She definitely had my attention at this point.

“Ok, we were sophomores in high school. A couple of stupid 16-year-old kids. We had a lot of classes together, but never seemed to give each other a second glance. At the beginning of the year, we obviously knew each other’s names from those dumb beginning of the year projects. Neither of us mentioned it for a long, long time. The thing was that Levi and I hung out with different crowds. He was a bad just like he is now, but I was kind of just the weird kid.”

This was already interesting. She went on.

“So, we had first period art class together and I sat behind him for the longest time. I would always watch him draw. He liked to draw wings and he was good at it. I knew it wasn’t easy either because after I knew he could draw them, I tried to get better because I thought maybe this was my Levi even if he never said anything to me. Well, I ended up failing so badly at it that I would just end up drawing cannibals and murder scenes. One day, I caught his attention with something gory I was drawing. I’ll always remember that it was a girl giving mouth to mouth resuscitation to a boy with only the upper half of his body. It was bad too. Like, this guy had entrails falling out of his waistline.”

I noticed Levi smiling a little.

“I called you shitty glasses, didn’t I?”

“You sure did. You told me that I was drawing the nastiest shit you had ever seen in your life, but you didn’t walk away after that. You asked me what my name was even though you know. Then, you told me your name and I showed you my hand.” She held up her left hand. Levi’s name was printed in neat letters across her entire palm. “I remember you unbuttoning your shirt enough so I could see your chest and I just about kissed you there.”

“What did your names mean on each other?”

“On me, we figured out it was because he was such a clean freak that it was in nice, neat letters. As for my hand, he’s left-hand dominant and always uses it to scrub and wipe things down. As for my name, the script was almost what you’d call sensual. It’s very pretty and Victorian, like Marco’s name on your hand. It’s on his chest because I have great sex appeal even if we didn’t know it then.”

“You turned out to be the sexiest creature at the school by the time we graduated. People were so jealous.” He turned to her, smiling more than before.

“As far as our sex life and other things, we didn’t delve into it right away. It took a few months for it to sink in that we had each found our soul mates. During the summer, we starting really dating and not to mention, fucking. Things have been topsy turvy ever since, but I couldn’t be happier, honestly.”

Levi kissed her when she finished, despite her not having brushed her teeth. It looked sweet and sentimental. They had been together for a long time and the way their story sounded gave me a little hope as to my future with Marco.

“That’s really sweet, I think. It’s not anything like how my friends were.”

Levi jumped in. “Kids these days are too anxious to get down to the fucking. That’s the problem. When you’re older, it’s not as important and that’s how our generations are so different. Maybe you should talk to your buddy, Eren about how exactly he and Armin progressed.

I nodded then glanced at the clock and noticed I had to go. With Levi’s words, I shot Eren a text asking him if he could meet me in the park before school. I pocketed my phone, cigarettes, and lighter. “Can I use your blade and straw before I have to go?”

“Have at it.” Levi pushed the mirror towards me.

I thanked him and grabbed a baggie out of my pocket. I cut up two lines and snorted them up my nose, feeling the after burn that I was growing to love. “Thank you both so much. For everything.”

“No problem, kiddo. Drop by anytime you want.”

“Will do.” I stood up and they both waved me goodbye as I left their apartment. I made my way down the stairs and out to my car. Their story made me feel a little bit better as to how things were going. We definitely needed to slow down and that wasn’t a problem for me. I’m pretty sure if would be a relief to Marco as well.

I got into my car and started it, letting the radio play at an obnoxious level for how early it was. I lit up another cigarette and went to go meet Eren at the park. On the way, I realized that I was completely out of money. The money at the bank would have the wait. This was more important.


	8. Team

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, that was a long wait. I struggled a ton with this chapter for some reason because Jean's having angst, but I did add a little humour and a ton of references to the anime.   
> Thankfully, chapter 9 is already all thought out so it shouldn't take as long.  
> Another thing, my friend and I are doing a collab Eruri fic and I'm in charge of chapter one so I have to work on that as well as this.   
> Thank you for understanding certain delays, but hey, you'll get to see more of my writing!

I got to school earlier than I normally did and kind of figured Eren wouldn’t be here yet. I looked around for traffic or early morning joggers and opened my glove box when the coast was clear. I emptied my pockets of the baggies and bottle and locked them up. I let out a little sigh of relief. It was one less thing to be worried about, but I’d be crashed by lunchtime. I could always send myself home sick. Mom wouldn’t question it.

I got out of my car and double-checked to make sure it was locked. Once that was said and done, I walked over to the tree where we usually sat to each lunch. As I figured Eren wasn’t there yet and I was craving another cigarette. My pack was already more than a quarter of the way gone. Levi and I had smoked more than I thought.

I shrugged it off and lit up when a thought hit me. I only wanted to talk to Eren. I didn’t want Armin to show up. It might be too awkward. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I shot Eren a warning text and prayed that he wasn’t in the car yet so he could read it ahead of time.

I took a long drag off my cigarette and noticed a burn in my throat that I almost never got. I’d be paying for smoking this much with a headache later, but it’d be worth it. I’d just crash when I got home and I wouldn’t have to smoke. Problem solved, but I was thinking too much. I indulged in the cigarette and waited for Eren to show up.

\--

Eren showed up about ten minutes after I had finished smoking. If he had been any later, I would’ve started a second one and regretted it even more later. To my relief, he was alone and he looked like he had slept more last night than the one before.

I smiled a little and tried not to sound nervous, “Hey, man. You look better rested today.”

He chuckled and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Armin and I went to the library yesterday and he found about twenty different books to read. He swears he’ll read them before we even have to renew them. On the plus side, I get more sleep. On the down side, less sex.”

There was the topic I wanted to hit on. “Hey, I had a few questions about that actually.”

“He’s a squealer and almost always bottom.” He put on the sickest grin.

“Ok, no, gross.” I scrunched up my nose in disgust. “I was going to ask when you guys actually started having sex. I know you started really dating in high school, but how long after that did the sex come?”

“Well…Armin was super duper timid about the whole thing. We waited about three months after we made it official. We were only 15, but it just felt right. We were meant for each other and it didn’t seem to matter after that first time. Everything just clicked.”

“Why was Armin so timid though?”

“He always thought it was more fun to tease me. And then every time I tried to confront him about it, he’d say he wasn’t ready and that was something I really had to respect.” He looked like his train of thought got derailed. “Did something happen?”

“Honestly? I’ve been up all night strung out on blow because Marco and I had some oral action. That part didn’t bother me at all, but then he was talking about how he wasn’t ready to call me his boyfriend yet and that pissed me off really bad for some reason.”

Eren sighed a little. “You’re not gonna become a drug addict are you?”

“Of course not! I’m just using it to cope right now. I’ll talk to Marco when I see him. I just don’t wanna seem too overbearing. I also told him I’d give him time so I don’t wanna go back on my word.”

“Fair point. Fair point.” He bit his lip. “In my opinion, you guys seem to be doing fine. There’s nothing wrong with a little dick sucking before you wanna be official. We’re teenagers for fuck’s sakes. All we want is sex. It’s legal and it’s fun.” He smirked.

I just rolled my eyes. “Hey, you do illegal stuff all the time so don’t even fucking start with me.”

“I’m just giving you shit.” He turned on his heels and started walking towards the school so I just followed him.

“Is anyone else even here yet?”

“Actually, yeah. Everyone’s here for some reason. We pushed a couple tables together in the cafeteria and I think Connie and Reiner are flinging grapes off spoons and hitting the popular girls in the back of their heads. At least, that’s what I saw before I came out here.”

“Our group is such an utter disaster. I don’t know even wanna be seen with them half the time.”

“I’ll bet you $5 that Ymir joined in with them.”

“You’re on.”

\--

That was five more dollars down the drain.

When we got back, it turned out Sasha was keeping score in her notebook and Reiner was in the lead with Ymir close behind for starting late. Krista and Mikasa were talking and Annie looked like she was zoning out. Bertholdt was actually laughing along with Reiner whenever he hit someone in the back of the head. Then, there was Marco. He and Armin looked like they were talking about the book Armin had with him.

Seeing Marco made my heart flutter all over again. It was like I had never been pissed off in the first place. He deserved a pedestal and I would grovel on my knees and give it to him if I had to.

Eren sat next to Armin and I sat down next to him and Marco, smiling a little. “Well, hey there Freckle Face.” I kissed his cheek and he turned to kiss me full on.

“Good morning. How was your night after you got home?”

Now was the moment that all my lying over the years was depending on. “I studied a lot for a test I have today and then I spent some time with Levi and Hanji.” At least some of it was the truth.

“That’s great. I’m sure you’ll do great on the test.”

“I hope so.” Yeah, I’ll do great on a test that I didn’t study for because it doesn’t exist. I felt like scum lying to him like that, but it was better than the alternative. I only wanted Eren to know. Fucking dammit. I grabbed my phone and sent Eren a text telling him just that even though he was sitting right next to me. Not even Annie could know.

Eren read the text and gave a little nod as a way to tell me that he got it. It was almost a relief just having Eren know. I smiled and turned my attention back to Marco who started talking to Armin again.

I didn’t mind really. He looked so happy when had a glimmer of passion in his eyes. He was a writer after all. He most definitely was a reader. It was great to know that he and Armin had something in common. It was like he fit into our group just like the last puzzle piece.

Armin caught me staring and smiled a little, but that faded quickly. He knew something was up. “Jean, can I talk to you for a sec?”

“Hm? Oh…uh, yeah. Sure thing.”

He got out of his chair and made his way out into the hall. I followed him out and he brought me into the bathroom. He looked around and even checked under the stalls to make sure we were alone before speaking. “What are you on?”

Fuck. I tried to play it off like it was nothing. “I’m not on anything. I just got a really good night’s sleep.”

“You’re lying to me. I’m not dumb. It looks like you _haven’t_ slept, but you don’t look tired so that’s how I know you’re cracked out on something that isn’t Oxy. Now, tell me.”

Levi had told me before that people got cranky on this shit and I could feel anger setting in. “Fine! I was up all night doing coke because Marco and I did some shit yesterday, but refuses to call me his boyfriend. It’s so dumb and pathetic, but it’s getting to me! It’s just fucking with my head so bad.” I groaned into my hands and ran them through my hair before looking back at Armin.

He didn’t look pissed off or worried at all. “So, you’re mad and you’re only going to get angrier once you come down so I have an idea. Drop by as soon as it starts to get dark and I’ll teach you something Eren showed me. He uses it to cope when he’s mad and it works. He usually goes by himself, but since he’s not pissed off and hopefully not about to be, I’ll show you tonight. We have to wait till it’s completely dark though. Just be sure to bring a blunt object and as many empty glass bottles and pop cans as you can find. Full cans are fun too.” He smiled a little before continuing, “I’ll bring some things too. Don’t question it and just trust me.” He rocked onto his toes before walking past me and out of the bathroom like nothing had happened.

I had no idea what he was planning, but it almost sounded fun. I was gonna be exhausted, but maybe I could sleep a little at lunch because I knew I’d be crashing by then.

\--

The morning went by easily and I was actually alert for once during math class. Eren made fun of me for it, but I didn’t really mind.

2nd period was uninteresting and I ended up falling asleep in my 3rd period study hall. Thankfully, my teacher never minded. By the time the bell woke me up, I felt rested enough to make it through the day. Being a teenager was nice sometimes because you never needed too much sleep.

However, I was crashing and on edge. I was getting irritated at the kids who were walking slowly in the halls and just the sound of certain people’s voices. I had to keep it cool though. Armin told me I could take out all my anger later tonight.

At least it was lunchtime and I could have a cigarette. That was all I needed right now.

\--

I was the first one outside and I took a seat beneath our tree and leaned against it. I pulled my pack of cigarettes out of my pocket and lit one up. The first drag was invigorating. I wasn’t exhausted anymore, but I was a little sleepy. Like the sleepy you get after you take too many Xanax.

Annie, Mikasa, Eren, and Armin all came out together and Annie dropped her things, falling face first into the dirt, groaning. She mumbled something, but her words were inaudible.

Mikasa sat next to her and laughed a little. “What?”

Annie propped herself up on her elbows and wiped off her face with her hands. “Mr. Zacharias is already warning us about finals and they’re not for another month. I just want school to be fucking over with. Teachers are lame. Education is lame. I’m gonna drop out and become a stripper.”

Mikasa rolled her eyes as Annie pulled two cigarettes out from her pack. She handed the extra one to Armin and I cocked an eyebrow.

“What’s the occasion?”

Armin lit up and leaned back against Eren. “Annie and I have Zacharias together, remember? He’s laying it on super thick this year. Basically, he’s assigned us to read another novel called Fallen Angels. It’s about the Vietnam War and while I don’t mind the read, that’s still more work that I don’t want to see on the final.”

Annie groaned again. “Just read it for me and fill me in, ok?”

“Not gonna happen.” Armin puffed on his cigarette, smirking a little. “You need to read it for yourself. I’m sure it’s good anyway. There’s probably a lot of death because it’s about the war.”

“War and death are fun to read about, but we’ve already had to read Huck Finn and The Great Gatsby and those sucked.”

“Hey, Huck Finn was good!”

“Psh, for you, maybe.” She took a long drag from her cigarette and sat up to lean against Mikasa. “You’re just a history nerd and everyone knows it.”

Armin rolled his eyes and puffed off his cigarette, keeping quiet. He obviously didn’t want to start conflict and I appreciated that about him.

Annie sighed louder, leaning more into Mikasa. “Let’s drop the subject. I just wanna enjoy a fucking cigarette right now.”

“Amen.” Armin snickered a little and took a drag off his cigarette.

Not long Bertholdt and Reiner showed up and Connie and Sasha weren’t far behind them. We all got to talking about stupid things when even Ymir and Krista showed up. It felt a lot like middle school having us all together like that.

About twenty minutes passed before Marco finally showed up. I may have been coming down, but I wasn’t that irritable. Not yet at least. “Hey, Freckle Face. I missed you.”

He smiled and sat down next to me and leaned in to give me a kiss which I happily returned. “I was in the library getting some reading material to keep me occupied.”

“You’re like Armin, huh?”

He chuckled and scratched the back of his head. “I’d say so since we were talking about books this morning. Stuff we’ve read and what we’ve liked and haven’t. Besides, reading opens the mind and always gives me ideas on what to write about.” He leaned against me and let out a small, relaxed sound. I couldn’t help but smile.

\--

Lunch was pretty uneventful, but nobody was quiet. There was never a beat of silence with us all carrying on 4 or 5 different conversations at once. I think I even heard Ymir crack a couple jokes about her sex life. That was a rare occurrence.

The hour came and went and we all said our goodbyes before going inside. Marco left me with a small kiss before we headed our separate ways. Science class would probably be the same as always, unfortunately.

And it was. We were learning something stupid that I didn’t care about so I simply worked on my military emblems. I sketched through maybe twenty different ideas. Nothing seemed super appealing to me since I had to come up with four different ones. I put the page away in my notebook and started doodling my freckled models.

Armin was right. They all did look a lot like Marco. I couldn’t help myself though. He was appealing to draw. I did end up using Armin as a few models because of what he had said to me yesterday about being hurt that he wasn’t my main model anymore. He definitely seemed more masculine in the uniforms I had drawn up. I was pleased with myself.

\--

The class passed faster than I expected, but I was beyond exhausted by the time it was over. I grabbed a soda from a vending machine on the way to history. I needed to stay awake for tonight. Armin had me intrigued to say the least.

I made my way to Smith’s classroom and Marco was leaning against the doorway, waiting for me. I felt the irritability set in. He was adorable, but at this point I wanted to scream at him and ask him what the hell he was thinking. It wasn’t fair.

He greeted me with a warm smile as usual. “How was science?” He kissed my cheek softly and I wished that could fix how pissed off I was from drug withdrawal.

“It was ok. I worked on my art most of the time. It was just another lecture period. I’m having some trouble with the military emblems I’m working on. I think I’ll have Armin look them over and give me a final decision.”

“Sounds exciting. I can’t wait to see your final project.” He took my hand and we went in to go sit at our places.

I groaned and put my head down on the table. “Yes you can. The emblems look like shit and I still don’t have a solid model.” That was a bullshit lie. I had two solid models, but one of them was him and I wasn’t sure if that was in his comfort zone or not. Armin would be a nice model for one of the emblems. “I have four designs and I need four different models, but I can’t decide on who to use.”

“You like drawing Armin, right? Use him as a model. Oh, Annie would be a pretty one too and maybe use another boy and another girl to make it even.”

“Annie _would_ be a pretty model. I still need to decide on emblems though and what I’m going to call each branch. There’s a ton more to think about and models are probably the least of my worries.”

He gave me a troubled look before the bell rang and Mr. Smith needed our attention. Apparently, it was about to be a lecture hour. It never bothered me. I liked listening to Mr. Smith talk about the thing he was passionate about. He loved to teach and that’s why he was one of my favourite teachers. Besides, if he was lecturing, I could zone out and just hold Marco’s hand the whole time.

\--

And that’s exactly what we did the whole hour. I ended up falling asleep at almost the beginning of class. Smith never cared when I slept. He knew a lot about my life besides the drug thing. However, he did know that I had a single mother who worked her ass off to support us. I guess he figured I must be doing my part as well. I did need a job, but I’d never be able to pull it off with my social life and dangerous habits. I wasn’t worried though. My mom made rent and was able to pay the bills and I still had some money in the bank to help if I had too.

The bell worked as my alarm clock and Marco was still holding my hand when I woke up. That made me smile and forget my worries for a bit. “Morning, Freckle Face.”

He chuckled a little. “Good morning. You didn’t miss much, but I took some notes if you need them.”

He slid a few papers my way and I put them into my art folder to remind me to look at them later. I put it back in my bag and slung it over my shoulder before standing up.

Marco grabbed his things and took my hand again. We walked out of the classroom together and he kissed me quickly before saying goodbye and going to his last period.

I smiled as he walked away. Today had been exhausting and two hours of sleep would at least keep me awake until tonight. I shrugged it off and was relieved to see Armin already in the art room.

I sat down by him and blurted out my first thought, “I need your help on my project.”

He simply smiled and pulled out his sketchbook before setting it on the table. “Ok, what do you need help with?”

“I have about a million thumbnails for emblems and can’t decide on which four to use.” I handed him a few sheets of paper with scribbles and symbols on them. I bit my lip as he thumbed over the pages and drew a few circles.

He handed the pages back to me. “I like the unicorn, the wings, the crossed swords, and the roses. If I may make some colour suggestions, the wings should be white and blue, the roses should be red, and the unicorn should be green to match an RGB colour scheme. I think the swords would look fine with silver-ish grey blades and brown handles.”

I looked over the emblems and he was right. They were perfect and so were the colours. “You’re a life-saver. I could kiss you. I just need to name each branch and I need two more models. Marco suggested you and Annie which would be awesome. I just need to decide which emblems you’ll represent and who else I’m going to use for models.”

“Use Marco.”

The thought made me nervous. “He’s not my boyfriend though.” My eyes flicked over and I remembered why I was so upset last night. I dropped my papers and covered my mouth. I felt sick and Armin knew it.

“Hey, Jean.” He got me to make eye-contact somehow. “Just focus on tonight and remember what I told you to bring. Everything’s gonna be ok. Tonight, your emotions can run free. Focus on your emblems. Use Mikasa and Eren as models if need be. Take your mind off him and whatever’s troubling you.” He smiled a little and flipped open his sketchbook. “Oh, I wanted to show you this.”

He turned to me and showed me a huge humanoid with almost no skin. It was female and looked a ton like Annie. Apparently, it was supposed to be. “Annie let me use her as a model for these creatures. She’s creepy, but still pretty, I think. I wanna use it for my final. What do you think?”

The detail was absolutely beautiful. The area around her eyes was flawless. You could even see where the skin broke around her mouth. The lips were cracked and the muscles were well-defined. “It’s so beautiful. Have you even thought of a name for these things you draw?”

He eyed over his picture with a smile. “Not yet, but I want something…unique. Just some sort of weird name for them that you’d never expect. I’ll think about later though. We have a whole month to plan.”

I nodded and for the rest of the period, we were quiet.

\--

Music was my savior for the hour. I listened to some music that would describe a war and the inspiration just bled out of me. I used Armin as the model for the winged emblem, Annie for the green unicorn, and Mikasa for the crossed blades. I still needed a model for the rose emblem, but I’d figure it out. I also wanted to decide on under-shirts and accessories they’d each be wearing. I’d have to ask Annie, Armin, and Mikasa about that though. I needed the uniforms to reflect them.

I was satisfied by the time the bell rang and hardly had time to tell Armin that I’d see him tonight. I was excited though. I wasn’t even tired anymore.

I rushed out of school and to my car before even lighting up a cigarette. I ended up sparking one up as soon as my car was started and was on my way home to gather bottles and cans for tonight. I just hoped that my baseball bat was in the same place I had left it.


	9. Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, short chapter.  
> What have I been doing instead of writing?  
> Playing Zelda games, helping my best friend through a breakup, and spending sleepless nights out driving and at iHop.  
> My brain is rampant and I feel bad for making you all wait so long. If you ever wanna bug me about taking too long, go to my tumblr http://poundingthejaeger.tumblr.com and bother me. Please bug me and tell me to get off my ass and keep writing.  
> Sorry this chapter is so short. I'm just running out of ideas at this point, but I'll get it. I know I will.  
> Thanks for sticking with me if you still are.

As soon as I got home, I gathered everything I needed and put them all in an old backpack. I managed to find a lot of glass bottles that once held tea, soda, and beer when Mom drank. I also grabbed a couple empty and also unopened pop cans to even it out. I found my bat in my closet where I remember leaving it years ago after I quit playing baseball in middle school. The handle stuck out of the top of the backpack, but it was the most convenient location for it.

After all that was said and done, I found myself asleep like a rock.

\--

My alarm was going off and that was my signal to get the fuck up. I swung my legs over the side of my bed and grabbed a pair of boots. I figured it there was glass involved, Converse sneakers weren’t about to be the right footwear.

I put them on, slung my backpack over my shoulder and headed into the living room. Mom was reading her book, as usual. She looked up at me and smiled.

“How was your day? When I got home, you weren’t here.”

“Oh, no, I was here. I just took a nap. It was a long day and I didn’t sleep too well last night.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re catching up on your sleep.” She smiled warmly. “Where are you going now?”

“I’m going to go hang out with Armin. I’ll be back late, so please try and get to bed early.”

“You’re a good kid, Jean. I never worry about where you are or what you’re doing.” She motioned for me to come over.

I rolled my eyes and smiled, making my way over to her. I hugged her and kissed her forehead. “See you tomorrow, Mom.” I waved her off and made my way out the door.

\--

I showed up at Eren’s house in just a few minutes and knocked on the door. Armin answered and invited me inside. I went in and sat down on the couch, feeling mildly anxious. “So, when are we leaving?”

Armin chuckled. “We’ll leave at 10.” he glanced at the clock. “So, pretty soon here.”

“Ok and where’s Eren?”

“He and Mikasa decided to go out on a sibling date. They went for dinner and then she’s coming back here to spend the night.”

“How long will we be doing this?”

“It depends on how much fun you have and/or how frustrated you are.”

I nodded. “Sounds like a plan. What do you wanna do until then?”

He shrugged. “It doesn’t matter to me, but no drugs. You need to lay off for a few days.”

“I know. Everything’s in my car anyway and I’m too lazy to go back and get anything.”

“Well, good.” He smiled. “Can I get you anything to drink?”

“Some water would actually be nice.”

Armin nodded and went into the kitchen to get me a glass. He came back moments later and handed me the glass of ice water. I thanked him and he sat beside me holding a can of Pepsi.

“Did you bring what I told you too?”

I took a sip before speaking, “I did. I got mostly bottles and found my old baseball bat from middle school.”

“Perfect! Bats work the best. Eren used a golf club once and broke the head off the driver. I think it just made him more pissed off because he had to come back home to get something else.” He chuckled a little at the memory.

I smiled and drank my water slowly, never letting the glass leave my lips.

\--

We talked until we had to leave. Armin mostly told little stories about events over the years that I’d reminisce with. Everything seemed simpler when we were younger. Hell, everything seemed simpler earlier this year. I was worried all the time, but things were still easy.

When it was 10, Armin stood up. “Grab your mother’s keys, we’re leaving.”

I cocked my eyebrow in confusion. “What?”

He chuckled. “It’s from an Arcade Fire song. We’ll listen to it in the car. Eren bought one of their albums the other day and I can’t stop listening to it.”

“Oh, yeah, that sounds nice.”

“I bet Levi would like them. I could burn you a copy if you want.”

I stood up and slung my backpack over my shoulder. “That would be awesome. I could rip it onto my computer too and keep it all on my iPod.”

“Perfect! Now, come on.” He grabbed his keys off the end table and put on a sweater.

I followed him out the door and we were on our way to Brokebottle Mountain.

\--

The scenery out here was beautiful, but it looked like something out of a horror movie. There was already tons of broken glass in the dirt. That wasn’t all either. There were 3 different neckties, a belt, a Wii remote controller, and a decaying recliner beyond the broken barbed wire fence. The tall grass and telephone poles didn’t help either. I was a little on edge.

Armin went out into the grass before the fence and bent down. “It’s gone.”

I walked over to him. “What’s gone?”

“The dog.”

“Dog?”

“A while ago, someone brought their dog up here and shot it. Eren and I had found the carcass with a bullet shell buried under the mounds of fur. I took some bones from the animal and I’m working on painting them. Annie wanted earrings made out of some of the toes.”

I wrinkled up my nose. “That’s so gross.”

“It’s art! I managed to get two leg bones, the pelvis, and a foot. All the toes came off the foot so they would make cute earrings.”

“Fair enough. You truly are an artist.” I chuckled and put my backpack down. I could hear Arcade Fire playing from the car at a reasonable level. There weren’t any houses for a few miles, but cops were always a worry. I’d never been arrested or even gotten an MIP, but I was always wary of policemen.

Armin stood up behind me and wiped off his hands. “Alright, basically it’s free reign to do whatever you want now. Break what you want in whatever order you want. Don’t worry about picking anything up. We’re out of city limits and this is state property so nobody comes up here for clean-up or anything. Just don’t break anything too close to the car and don’t hit me with any debris or your bat.”

I nodded and pulled my bat out of my bag and rested it on my shoulder. I grabbed a tall soda bottle and stood it upright in the dirt. I looked to Armin and he simply gave a thumbs up. I let out a slow breath and gritted my teeth before bringing the bat down on the bottle with force.

It shattered on impact with smaller pieces scattered around. I chased the pieces around and hit them, letting my arms take over for every action. I hit every piece until they were practically pieces of sand.

I caught my breath and stared at the destroyed bottle. Red and green bits from the text surrounded the smaller clear pieces. I felt my adrenaline start to kick in as I grabbed another bottle. It was a beer bottle this time. The pieces would be easier to see at least.

A new song from the album came on from the stereo as I dealt out the first blow. It broke easier and it felt smoother for some reason that I couldn’t quite explain. I smashed the damn thing into sand, feeling sweat drip down my forehead.

I looked back and Armin was sitting on the hood of his car, smoking a cigarette. I figured he was just biding his time by smoking one. He looked so peaceful and lost in thought. His hair fluttered in the wind and he looked like an angel without any wings. One who was sent to protect me and it made me comfortable being in his presence. I felt safe. And I was calming down.

I made my way for another bottle anyway. It felt good to let it out. Another beer is what I pulled out and smashed it without another thought. I smashed it just as the rest till there was nothing left to crush. My arms were throbbing and I was dehydrated, but I felt good and that was all that I needed.

“We’re living in the Sprawl.”

I turned to Armin who seemed to have gone crazy on me. “The Sprawl?”

He smiled and turned to me. “The song. Listen to it and tell me it doesn’t describe this town, this scene.”

I stopped and steadied my breathing before I started to truly listen.

_Sometimes I wonder if the world’s so small_

_Can we ever get away from the Sprawl?_

_Livin’ in the Sprawl_

_Dead shopping malls rise like mountains beyond mountains_

_And there’s no end in sight_

_I need the darkness, someone please cut the lights._

I had never heard a more accurate description of this shithole and I loved it. I threw my bat down next to my backpack and joined Armin on the hood. I pulled out a cigarette and lit up.

“It fits doesn’t it?”

“It’s almost scary. Maybe we do live in the Sprawl. I never looked at it that way. Can we get away though? I wanna take Marco and leave this place. We’re gonna leave the Sprawl.”

Armin chuckled. “Don’t leave the rest of us behind.”

I chuckled. “Maybe Marco and I could go away this weekend or something. Like, get a hotel and just relax. We could do dumb things and sleep in the same bed. It sounds nice.”

“Do you think he’d be game for that?”

“I can only hope.”

He smiled and looked back up at the sky. I got lost in my own thoughts as well.

\--

We finished up at about 2 in the morning. I didn’t kill anymore bottles, but I hit a few cans in mid-air. They managed to spray us both and we were sticky and tired by the time Armin took me home.

I grabbed my backpack and stepped out of the car. “Thank you, Armin. I’ll definitely tuck this strategy away for later.”

He smiled a little. “It’s no problem. Just be safe with it and try not to do it too much or it won’t have the same effect.”

“Note taken. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Definitely. Try and get some rest tonight, ok?” He smiled one last time and drove away.

I waved him off and headed inside. Above me, I could hear that Levi had an album playing at a generous level and it sounded like Hanji was dancing around in heels.

I chuckled to myself and unlocked the door to my apartment. I hoped to have a relationship like theirs one day. It seemed so ideal.

I made my way through the apartment, quietly. Mom was asleep and I needed a few more hours of sleep. My naps throughout the day definitely helped though.

I got into my room and threw my backpack into my closet before getting undressed and crawling into bed. I felt myself smile a little before my eyes fluttered shut. Living in the Sprawl couldn’t be that bad at this rate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mkay, this chapter is also based on real events. The description and weird items listed are actual things that my friend and I found out in this area just outside our city. Her hair was cut like Armin's and mine is cut like Jean's so I just used it, basically. Everything listed was pretty realistic.  
> And yes, we do live in the Sprawl.


	10. I Would Do Anything For You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHO'S BACK  
> BACK AGAIN
> 
> It's me. Sorry for such a long wait! I was having the worst slump over the summer. Hopefully things will start picking up again and if it takes me another 2 months to update, just keep having faith.  
> Besides, you get some smut so that's worth the wait right?

Thank God it’s Friday.

I talked to Marco the day after Armin and I had our little adventure and he was completely down for a weekend getaway. The talk of finals was stressing him out enough that he definitely needed a break. He kept telling me how everything was setup so different here than from his old school.

I understood being stressed out especially at a new school.

After school was out for the day, we headed our separate ways so we could each get packed. I told him I’d pick him up around 7 so it’d be dark by the time we got to wherever we were going but it didn’t matter much to me.

\--

I made my way to my car and popped open the glove box for the rest time all week. Everything was still there and I decided to pop a Perc before going anywhere or doing anything. I shoved the bottle and baggie back into my jacket pocket after taking the pill dry. I made a face and lit up a cigarette before driving home.

“Crooked Teeth” by Death Cab for Cutie was coming from my radio and it made me a lot happier than it should have. It was a feel good song even when you didn’t think your mood could get much better.

This weekend would be good for both us and definitely good for our relationship.

\--

When I pulled up to the apartments, I parked and turned off my car. I grabbed my bag and double-checked my pockets. It’d be possible that I would need something or if Marco needed something. If he asked, I’d deliver.

I went inside and went straight to my room to start packing. Mom wasn’t home yet so I plugged in my phone to my speakers and kept the music playing. I turned it up and went over to my drawers and pulled out things I needed for the trip.

The night before, I had to run out to get some “essentials” for the vacation as well. I kind of felt like an idiot buying them, but it’s better to have something and not need it than to need it and not have it. My mom was always telling me that. It stuck with me all these years.

\--

After I was all finished packing, I left a note for my mom and headed outside with all my things. I popped my trunk and put my bags in, making sure there was still enough room for Marco’s things. I closed the trunk and threw my smaller bag into my backseat before climbing into the driver’s side.

I shot Marco a quick text to let him know I was on my way and lit up a cigarette before pulling away from the complex. I couldn’t believe we’d be getting a whole weekend to ourselves. For me, it would definitely be surreal. I was practically floating already and Marco wasn’t even with me. I laughed a little to myself and tried to smoke the rest of my cigarette before making it to Marco’s house.

\--

When I did get there, my cigarette was only a nub, but not completely gone yet. I texted Marco to come out and finished it before he came out the door. He simply waved to me and I popped the trunk for him to put his stuff in. When I heard him close the trunk, he got into the passenger’s side and I turned my head to kiss him which he gladly accepted.

He smiled a little and made a sound of contentment. “So, where are we staying exactly?”

I put my car into gear and drove after before I answered him, “We’re going to stay in a cabin that’s linked to a small hotel about an hour out of town. It’s pretty woodsy and has lots of nice scenery.” I looked over to him, smiling.

“That sounds really nice. You really thought of everything didn’t you?”

_You bet your sweet ass I did._

Of course I’d never say that out loud. “I’m pretty sure I did.” I laughed a little and watched the road as we drove to our destination.

\--

We talked a lot on the way there. He talked a lot about his moving experiences and people he’s made friends with. He told me how my friends were unlike any other people he’d ever met. It was interesting to me. I had known these people most of my life and never even imagined comparing them to other people. He said Annie stood out the most to him and I agreed that she was quite the trip, but a really good friend to have. He also talked about how much he loved Armin and Eren’s relationship. They were so loyal and sweet to each other. He dropped a subtle hint about how jealous he was, but knew that he could find something like that. It made me smile.

When we finally got there, checked in, and unloaded the car, he flopped down on the bed and laughed out loud.

“What’s so funny?”

“I’m just really glad we’re here and that I’m with you.” He sat up and smirked. “What kind of a sleeper are you?”

I felt my face get hot. “I’m kind of a bed hog and clingy, I guess? I wind up waking up with the sheets wadded up in my arms most days.”

“I don’t think I’ll mind that at all. I’ve never really gotten to cuddle someone before.”

My stomach got knotted up at that. He was so cute and almost too innocent. I felt like I needed him then and there.

He cocked an eyebrow, still smirking and gestured for me to come over to him. I didn’t hesitate at all. He wrapped his arms around me and I did the same to him. He was warm and fit perfectly into my arms. I could’ve stayed like that for hours.

Of course, that wasn’t the plan. I don’t know if we had been thinking the same thing for the last hour or what but he started licking at my earlobe before my brain had time to process what we _had_ been thinking.

He kicked off his shoes and I did the same before crawling over him and kissing him aggressively. We were hungry for each other and it was easy to see.

We fumbled to get each other’s jackets off while kissing and had to break apart for a split second just to get our shirts off as well. Clothes were being piled to the floor as we held each other tighter than ever, our lips and tongues moving in perfect sync. We matched. We clicked. Everything was perfect.

I reached for the button on his jeans as he let out a moan. I contained myself from letting any sound from my mouth escape as I carefully undid his jeans and pulled them off his legs. This was better than before. So much better.

I leaned down to kiss him again and his hands wandered to my waist to take off my jeans. He got them off quicker than I did with his and I was pretty impressed. Passion can do things to a person though.

After a few more minutes of just clinging to each other, we began to play with the waistbands on one another’s underwear which caused a few giggles from him and a big smile from me. Our lips were still together as the underwear came off.

Our bodies were pressed closer together than ever before. We could feel each other’s excitement, but I didn’t wanna let go of his mouth. His tongue. He was beautiful. Everything about him was.

And the perfect moment was ruined when my phone started ringing.

He leaned his head back to laugh and I rolled my eyes to grab my phone and check the caller ID. It was Eren. Of course it was Eren. Only _he_ could have this kind of timing. I rolled my eyes and let it go to voicemail.

“Who was it?”

“Just Eren. I’m not too concerned at this point. He just has the worst timing.”

“Then come back here.” He smiled a little and he had me wrapped around his finger. Just as I was about to kiss him again, my phone started ringing again.

I groaned loudly and saw it was Eren again.

“Just answer it. I’ll be patient.”

I sighed and pressed the answer button. “I’m in the middle of something, Jaeger.”

On the other end, Eren sounded like he was in hysterics. “Jean! It’s Armin! He and Mikasa-“ His sentence was cut off by an agonizing scream.

Concern suddenly kicked in. “Whoa, what happened?”

“He…fuck…Jean…He…She…”

“Words, Eren. Use your words.”

“Mikasa pierced Armin’s lip!” You could hear Armin laughing hysterically on the other end.

“You called to tell me that? Now? Of all times?”

“He’s bleeding and it’s swelling and what the hell do I do?! My boyfriend has a hole in his lip that was inflicted by my sister! How could they do this to me?!” There was some more screaming.

I was losing my patience. “It’s just a lip ring! I’m sure he looks great. The swelling will go down. The bleeding will stop. Mikasa pierced her own ears right? And Annie’s nose? I think he’ll be fine. Maybe you’ll get a piercing too if you’re lucky.”

“He has been scarred forever! His perfect face! Marred!”

“Will you calm the fuck down? From the sounds of it, the more you freak out, the funnier Armin thinks it is. Talk it over with me him, not me. I’m on vacation, you ever-loving shitstain.”

Eren huffed loudly over the phone. “You’re no fucking help.”

“I’m busy! Bitch to someone else!”

“I’m gonna remember this, Jean. When you’re in distress and need to bitch, don’t come crying to me!” With that, he hung up and I just decided to turn my phone off.

Marco looked at me, slightly amused. “What was that all about?”

“Mikasa pierced Armin’s lip and Eren is freaking out about it. He’s so dumb I swear.”

He laughed a little and looked up at me with pleading eyes. “Can we um…continue? Pretty please?”

I had almost completely forgotten what was just happening. I blushed and blinked a few times after looking at Marco. “Oh, y-yeah. Um, lemme grab some things from my bag first.”

He sighed playfully and flopped back on the bed. I smiled and rummaged through my bag to find the things I had bought at the store, silently thanking myself that I _had_ bought them.

“I’m hoping that’s what I think it is.”

“If you think it’s condoms and lube, you are correct.”

“I knew you thought of everything.”

I smiled and opened up the box to pull out a condom and went back over to the bed. I placed the bottle and condom next to Marco before kissing him again like we hadn’t been interrupted and everything was still smooth sailing.

When we got our comfortable pace back, I grabbed the bottle of lube and opened it up before squeezing a generous amount onto my fingers. I rubbed it around and Marco lifted up his legs for me. He was ready and so was I.

I carefully stuck a single finger into him and moved it in and out slowly. He let out little moans and I couldn’t help but watch his face contort with pleasure. I let his face relax before pushing in another.

His legs twitched each time I pushed in further, barely brushing his prostate. He clawed at my back and moaned out when I finally quit teasing and hit it. I smirked and nibbled at the top of his ear.

“J-Jean…I need you…now.”

I smirked a little and wondered how far I could go with just teasing him. I pulled out my fingers and he squeaked softly. “Get that condom then and put it on me.”

He didn’t miss a beat. His hands were shaking and he could hardly keep his eyes open but we both managed to straighten ourselves up so he could put it on me. After it was on, he grabbed the bottle of lube and squeezed some onto his hands. He started stroking me softly and looked up at me, lust in his eyes. “I’m ready. I can’t take it anymore.”

I knew how he felt. I pushed him back down onto the bed and kissed him hard again before gripping my dick and guiding it into him. We both moaned as I pushed in slowly. It was warm and wet and I had never felt something so good before.

“Move…please. Slowly, though.”

I settled my face into the crook of his neck as I began to thrust slowly. I knew this wouldn’t last long at all. The sensation was absolutely unreal. Plus, we were both already moaning messes.

Things began to move more smoothly and I was able to get into him deeper where I could hit his sweet spot. I wasn’t hitting it every time yet, but we’d get there. We were moving a little awkwardly at this point.

Neither of us seemed to mind. We were both enjoying ourselves and we knew from the scratches to the hair pulling to the lip biting.

After what seemed like forever, we hit a comfortable pace. Marco was gripping onto me so tight, I thought he might break me in half. “G-go deeper…and faster.”

I smirked a little and complied. We were both shaking uncontrollably and he let out a shrill cry when I was at the point of hitting his prostate with each thrust. He released my hair with one hand and went to touch himself, but I pushed his hand away and did it myself. I pumped my hand in time with my thrusts and I knew this moment would be over and done with in mere minutes.

Like clockwork, he let out a loud moan and spilled onto my hand and his stomach. It didn’t take me long to follow him, letting out a grunt as I came. He grabbed my face immediately to kiss me hard and I returned it with just as much passion. I pulled out of him slowly and he moaned into the kiss which caused me to smile a little. I loved this boy. I truly did and he had to know.

I broke the kiss and looked into his eyes. My stomach knotted up and I couldn’t tell if I was gonna pass out or puke. “Marco…I-I lo-“

His phone rang this time.

My heart felt like it just got shattered, but he looked apologetic as he went to answer it.

“It’s Mikasa.”

That was weird. Mikasa hardly called people. “Answer it and put it on speaker.”

And he did. “Hello?”

She was in utter hysterics. “Where’s Jean?! I need to talk to Jean!”

“He’s right here, calm down!”

I didn’t have to time to react before she started screaming again. “Jean! Annie OD’d! She’s in the hospital! You have to come home immediately!

“Mikasa, I can’t just-“

“Please! We need you! She needs you! I need you!”

I looked at Marco with a pained expression and he simply nodded.

“We’ll leave as soon as possible and meet you at the hospital.”

“Hurry!” She hung up without another word.

I stood up and ran my fingers through my hair. Marco went into the bathroom and grabbed a few towels, tossing me one. “Get cleaned up. Your friends need you.”

I just stood there. I couldn’t read his expression. I don’t know what was hurting more. The fact that I couldn’t read Marco for the first time ever or that one of my best friends was dying?


	11. Afterlife

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I got my writing schedule back in order. I'm headed off to school next week so I have no idea what that'll do to my schedule.  
> Anyway, this chapter is a roller coaster and I wanna thank Katie a lot for getting me to keep going and giving me good songs to listen to.

We made it back into town after a quiet hour of being together. The radio was still playing softly as we pulled into the hospital parking lot but that was it. Marco got out of the car before I had even turned it off and headed into the building. I turned the car off and followed about 20 ft behind him, hands jammed into my pockets. I needed a cigarette.

We checked in at the visitors’ desk before heading back to see Annie and the others. I kept the same distance as before between Marco and me. I knew he wasn’t mad at me, but maybe he was hurting a little? It was troubling me.

He walked into Annie’s room first and I wasn’t far behind. Mikasa was sitting at Annie’s hips and stroking her hair. Armin was on his knees, his face buried into the bed sheets. Eren was standing behind Armin, keeping a hand on his boyfriend’s back to let him know that he wasn’t leaving. Marco stayed in the doorway, but I fell to my knees, like Armin, at the very foot of her bed.

Annie looked practically dead. She had an IV drip going and oxygen tubes in her nose. She looked tired, sad, and scared. I didn’t wanna dare to ask her what had really happened. Annie wouldn’t OD because of carelessness. She had a reason to do this. It was how she ticked. I’d need to get alone to get her to talk, but it would be worth it.  I’d wait till she was out of the hospital.

\--

Hours later, I left with Eren, Armin, and Marco. We let Mikasa have some time alone with her girlfriend, constantly checking the name etched in above her knuckles. Pitch black was what we hoped for and we somehow knew it would stay that way.

In the parking lot, we had a bit of a light-hearted conversation. Armin’s lip was swollen, but he looked cute with the stud in the middle of his bottom lip. Eren joked about it a little, even. Marco held my hand as I smoked a cigarette and I think I finally knew what he was feeling. He was scared to lose me like Mikasa almost lost Annie.

It started to get later as we talked and cried. Eren and Armin said their goodbyes to us, their eyes both brimming with tears. We all reassured each other that everything would be fine. I watched them drive away and brought Marco back to my car. We sat in silence without the engine running.

“C-can I stay with you tonight?”

I looked up at him and smiled a little, almost wanting to cry. “Of course. We could go back to the cabin tomorrow morning if you wanted? I was thinking we could stay at Levi’s tonight if that’s alright with you.”

“That sounds nice. I just want sleep right now.”

I nodded and turned on my car and we were en route to Levi’s house after that.

I texted Levi while I had been driving asking if we could crash there and he told me I’d have to explain to him why I needed a place, but I’d tell him when we got there.

Marco was falling asleep in the seat beside me and I smiled a little. It was a heart-warming sight after a long night.

\--

I shook him awake when we pulled up to the complex and told him to leave the things he didn’t need in the car. He complied and I took his hand as I guided him to the second story of the building.

We knocked on the door and it was Hanji’s voice who answered, “Come in!”

I kept a tight grip on Marco’s hand as we walked into the smoky room. We probably looked half-dead and sad as all hell, but Levi would understand.

I didn’t see him, but Hanji came over to greet us with two cups of hot tea. “It’ll help you sleep better. I hear everyone’s going through a lot right now. Levi will be out in a second. He just went to take a shower.”

She sat with us on the couch as we gave her the rundown of what was going on. She didn’t say anything at all. She just listened.

When we were finished talking, I was crying and so was Marco. Hanji was there to be our rock. She hugged us both and Levi came out from the bathroom at the perfect moment.

“Ok, brats. Tell me what happened.”

We told him a more detailed version of the story. How we were out on vacation then got a call and were rushed home immediately. We talked about Annie’s state and Marco started to actually sob. It was almost painful to watch. I just had to hold him and try not to cry more than I already had been.

Levi simply nodded and went into his room without saying a thing. He returned moments later with a few blankets and pillows. I expected him to give them to us, but he kept them in his arms.

“Hanji and I will take the couch. You two need a bed especially after the whirlwind you just took. And no arguing about it. Get back there.” There was a faint smile on his lips.

I turned to Hanji and she smiled, tilting her head towards the door. I nodded and took Marco’s hand again, leading him into the room and shutting the door behind us.

Their bed was simply a mattress on the floor with a few odds and ends stacked on a table at the foot of the bed. It seemed cozy and just what we needed.

I looked over to Marco who was already stripped naked and about to crawl into bed before he caught me staring. “I didn’t get any after sex cuddles and I demand them.” He chuckled and crawled under the covers.

I smiled a little and stripped before getting into bed with him. We faced each other and our hands were touching, fingers barely intertwined.

This moment seemed perfect. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, but I could always wait until tomorrow when we were back on vacation. We’d have all of tomorrow and then we’d head home Sunday evening. I had it all planned out in my head.

When my thoughts stopped bugging me, Marco was already asleep and I curled up into him before slipping into unconsciousness.

\--

The next morning, I woke up to the sound of someone making breakfast in the kitchen. Marco was still asleep and clinging onto me like a koala. I smiled at him and ran a hand through his hair as he began to stir. He mumbled something that I couldn’t make out.

“Wake up, Freckle Face. Someone’s making breakfast and we have a bit of a drive back.”

He mumbled again and opened his eyes after turning to face me. “What are we gonna do while you’re driving? It sounds boring.”

I rolled my eyes and smirked. “I have a few things in my bag that could make the drive more interesting.”

“Are they peach-coloured things?”

“They might be peach-coloured things.”

He beamed and sat up. “Well I definitely want one or two during the drive. I’ll be all giddy when we get there too!” He got out of bed and started getting dressed.

“I don’t think giddy is the right word for it.” I chuckled and followed his lead, getting my clothes on.

“Do you think horny would be a better word?”

I blushed a little and nodded. “That…that might be the right word.”

He smirked and went into the living room after getting fully clothed. Once I got my shirt on, I headed out after him.

Levi was on the couch, smoking a cigarette and listening to something that sounded like it was from the 80s. I liked it. “Watcha playin?”

He took a drag and looked over at me. “Arabian Knights by Siouxsie Sioux. She’s amazing if you haven’t heard more of her songs.”

“I will definitely look into it.” I sat beside him and lit up my own cigarette. Marco joined me on the couch and leaned into my shoulder. I couldn’t help but smile.

I could hear Hanji setting plates down on the counter. I wasn’t all that hungry, but I’d eat a little before we went.

Levi looked over to Hanji and then me. “What time are you guys leaving?”

Hanji answered for me, “After they eat a little. It’s all ready if you boys wanna come dig in.”

That was enough of an invitation for all of us. Levi and I both sniped our cigarettes and walked over to the counter.

“It’s not a whole lot, but eat what you want and can. I’m not sending any of you out without eating.”

Levi had already gotten a plate of eggs and was talking on his way to the table. “So, you’re sending me out after I eat?”

Marco and I both laughed a little.

Hanji was quick to retaliate, “I might if you keep up with that attitude. I could always use the alone time to try on those new clothes you bought me.”

Marco and I went over to the table with Levi to eat and he looked visibly irritated. This might turned into one of those mini-arguments she had told me about earlier.

“Fine! Kick me out for the day. Just don’t come crying to me because the lace on your lingerie rubs you the right way and I’m not there to help.”

“I could call Nanaba. She’d love to help.” Hanji smirked. I was surprised at how quick she was to react.

“And Mike’s ok with this?”

“He always has been. Come on, Levi. Give in to your sick and twisted lesbian fantasies.”

He rolled his eyes, groaning and went back to eating. “Fine, I’ll say, but _only_ if you _do_ try on that lingerie.”

“Deal.” Hanji smiled and went back to cleaning up the kitchen.

I looked over to Marco and noticed that we shared the same shocked expression. I don’t think I had ever seen something that could’ve boiled over so just below the rim of the pot. I wanted that. I wanted Levi and Hanji’s relationship.

Happiness was key.

\--

Once our tummies were full and we got our hugs goodbye (from Hanji mostly), we got back on the road. We still had a good amount of time left for romance and that was all I was concerned about.

This car ride was different. It was happier. Marco was singing along to the songs he knew and listened to me when he didn’t know a song. I’d watch him out of the corner of my eye when I sang and he always had a smile on his face.

The ride was shorter this time around with how we were passing time and we got to the cabins in no time. Since we never checked out, everything was still the way we left it. The maid would probably kill us by the time we left on Sunday. It’d be worth it though.

Marco stretched out on his stomach across the bed and I couldn’t help but chuckle and get down next to him. “What should we do for the rest of the weekend? I brought stupid movies.”

He turned to me and smiled. “How stupid?”

“Well, I brought _Grease_ -“

“Are you fucking serious?” He was laughing now.

“It was the first movie we all bonded over! It’s kinda special to me now.”

“Are we gonna sing the ending song together and drive off into the sunset?”

“That was my original plan, but the sun is too hot and if we drove into it we’d-“

He hit me with a pillow before I could finish my sentence. “You’re so lame!”

“And you’re stuck with me.”

He got on his side and smiled. “Forever.”

“And ever.” We both chuckled.

Then we just spent a minute looking into each other’s eyes. His eyes were beautiful, but I ended up beginning to count his freckles. I got to 24 before he interrupted me.

“Can we take a couple pills? I know I wanted some during the drive, but we were having fun singing and it sounds nice right now after the stress from what happened yesterday. I mean, besides the having sex thing.”

I smiled and got up to grab my bag. “Sure thing, Freckle Face.” I got the bottle out and shook out 2 peach pills. I turned back to him and he had his tongue sticking out. I smirked and placed a pill on it and then one on my own. I grabbed two sodas from the cooler and handed him one. We each opened them and downed a swig with our pills.

I sat back on the bed next to him and leaned over to kiss his cheek. “You’re adorable.”

His face flushed pink and he shook his head. “Not really. Armin’s adorable. I’m just awkward.”

I set my soda down and snickered. “Well, Armin _is_ adorable, but you’re not as awkward as you think you are. To me, you’re handsome and a good balance to my crazy life. You bring me back to reality. You’re definitely meant to be mine.”

He looked like he was about ready to cry. “No one’s ever said anything like that to me. Thank you.”

I smiled. “It’s not a problem. It’s what I’m here for.”

He returned my smile and lay down with his back facing me. I definitely got the hint. I curled up behind him, wrapping an arm over his chest and holding him close. The pills felt like they were kicking in faster than usual but it might have been paired with natural endorphins.

He nuzzled back into me and chuckled before grinding against me. The pills were definitely kicking in.

I started to kiss his neck as I ran a hand up under his shirt. He moved against me more and placed his hand over mine. We fit together like puzzle pieces.

I moved my other hand over his crotch where I could feel his growing excitement. I blindly fiddled with the button and zipper on his jeans before fishing his dick out of his boxers. He let out a muffled squeak when I finally had my hand wrapped around it.

He thrust a little into my hand creating space between us. He struggled to reach his arm behind to claw at my zipper. I only laughed. “Face me. It’ll be easier.”

He nodded and quickly shifted onto his other side, his face bright red. I watched him struggle to undo my jeans as I stroked him slowly. A smile crept onto my lips.

Eventually, with lots of losses of grip, we were stroking each other slowly. Our faces were in each other’s necks and our paces matched, our breathing matched, everything matched.

As our hands started to move faster, his moans turned into whines. He got more desperate.

“Let go and hold onto me. I know what to do.”

He nodded and wrapped his arms around my neck, his whole body shuddering with pleasure. He shook again when I grabbed both of our dicks and slowly started rubbing them together while grinding. I was against his ear gasping for air and he was clutching the back of my hair so hard I thought he might pull it out.

“J-Jean!” He squeaked out and buried his face back in my neck before spilling onto my hand and the sheets. My toes curled and I squeezed my hand a little tighter before cumming. I released my grip and just held him. We were dirty already and nothing mattered. I just wanted to hold him.

After a few moments, we pulled apart and all I could do was kiss him. I only wanted to kiss him, devour him. That is, if he didn’t devour me first. Everything was sweet and I realized that we were gonna be alright.

\--

After getting off the bed, stripping down, getting in the shower, and wasting too much water, we finally got dressed again and went outside so I could have a cigarette.

I lit up and Marco watched me as I did.

“Hey Jean?”

“Hm?”

“I noticed that in the shower you were running your hands over your name more than anything.”

“That’s because I had never really seen it before. I like the way it looks on you. It’s perfect.”

With that, he reached for my hand and started running his fingers over the script. “You’re right. It’s perfect and I think I realized something.”

“What’s that?”

“I found my clarity. You and me, we got this. When I’m with you, it’s like there’s no tomorrow because we’re the afterlife and I’m ok with that. I know everything’s gonna be alright.”

“Dumb it down for me.” I took a drag.

He chuckled. “I wanna be able to start calling you my boyfriend. You’re my clarity, my soul mate, my boyfriend. You’re everything I need.”

I felt like I was about to burst into tears. I hugged him tightly, almost squeezing him to death and he laughed.

This was perfect.

This was heaven.

This _was_ the afterlife.


	12. Stay With Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I started college 2 weeks ago and that's really put a damper on my writing, but I'm back and swinging. Hopefully, I'll be able to update sooner and sooner. I found some good environments to write in~

The weekend flew by quicker than we had both expected, but it filled to the brim with love. Nothing went wrong and it was all smooth sailing. It was more than I could have ever asked for. Unfortunately, our fantasy was clouded by the fact that it was Monday and we were dragging our asses to school.

Annie was out of the hospital, but she was staying home for a few days and Mikasa was right by her side. They were good together and I knew that by Friday, Annie would be having another party like her usual self. Mikasa would probably police her on the drugs, but drinking might be ok. Hopefully, the rest of us would get a little.

It didn’t matter though; we had to focus on the rest of the week. Finals were two weeks from Thursday and the stress was getting to us already. We’d get through it though. We all would. I think we were just mostly excited to be seniors net year.

\--

I showed up to school pretty early that morning and went to the cafeteria to find everyone sitting at our usual tables. It was a pretty scene. Reiner and Ymir were doing spitballs this time, getting a lot stuck in a girl’s hair who was sitting by them. Sasha and Connie were even playing along and high-fiving each other after getting a good shot. Krista and Bertholdt were trying not to laugh whenever their S.O. got a good sized wad stuck in the girl’s hair. Eren was quietly cheering them on as he fiddled with a pen between his fingers. He looked like he was trying to study, but this was obviously more important. Armin and Marco were looking over some things. It looked like Armin had out his sketchbook and Marco had a notebook with pages and pages littered with words in the same beautiful script that was on my hand.

I smiled and took a seat between Marco and Krista. Krista greeted me with a cheery smile and asked how our weekend went. I glanced to Marco who had an obvious blush on his face. I just laughed and told her everything went according to plan.

Ymir grabbed her attention away from the conversation and I turned to Marco and Armin. “Whatcha guys doing?”

Armin was quick to speak up, “Marco’s writing me theories about my drawings. He wants to call them Titans and it’s perfect! He even tied in your military designs. He said the guys fighting in those uniforms take down the Titans. He’s really skilled with words, Jean. You should take advantage of that.”

I chuckled and scratched the back of my head then put my arm around Marco. “Why don’t you ever let me read anything you’ve written?”

“Mm, some of it’s kind of embarrassing. I mean, a lot of it is about travel, but some of it is just sad. I write about wishes and dreams that probably won’t come true, but I’ve written short stories before as well. It’s really complicated and sorta private.”

I nodded. “Understandable. I’ve never shown you my drawings either.”

Armin butted in, “You totally have to! Do you have your art folder with you?”

I hesitated, “Yeah, but it’s not done. I don’t have a model for the 4th design yet, remember?”

“Show him the three you have then. At least show him the 4th emblem.”

I rolled my eyes and fished my sketchbook out of my bag. There were loose papers sticking out of it and the corners were creased and wrinkled. It was to be expected though. They were only rough drafts. I did pull a few out that had the emblems and rough uniform designs and gave them to Marco. I also handed him the sketchbook after emptying it of the other loose papers. “Those four are the emblems that Armin helped me pick out and the sketches in the book are my final designs for the three finished ones.”

I felt my stomach knot up as he flipped slowly through the pages, taking note of the other sketches in there. I drew a lot of things, really. The first page was a sketch of Eren with his sleeves rolled up so you could see where his arm cut off and the prosthetic started. It looked pretty natural in reality, but the drawing made it look much more robotic. At least Eren liked the outcome.

He flipped through the next few rough sketches of Armin, Annie, and even my freckled models before getting to the actual finalized military designs. I couldn’t read his expression and it worried me.

“Wow…”

“That bad, huh?”

“No! These are amazing! You got the curves and postures just right. It’s like I’m actually looking at photographs of Armin, Mikasa, and Annie. It’s amazing!”

I turned my head a little and scratched the back of my neck, feeling embarrassed.

“Can I be the fourth model? The rose model?”

Thank god this kid was a mind-reader. “If that’s really want you want.”

Armin let out an audible sigh and turned his head away from us.

Marco didn’t notice and continued, “It would be so great. I like the designs so much. Even the gear you came up with is flawless. I can’t wait to see the final product.” He handed me the sketches back and I shoved them in my bag just as the first bell rang.

Marco was already standing. “See you at lunch?”

I smiled and nodded. “Definitely.”

\--

Morning classes drug on slowly and I think the only highlight was that we had a substitute for first period science. Eren figured he’d screw with her a little and loosened the prosthetic on his leg. When she called him up to hand in his homework, he smirked to me before standing up and losing his balance. She rushed over in concern while he made a huge show of how his leg was killing him and he thought he broke his knee. She went to touch it and it fell off. If that wasn’t bad enough, when it _did_ fall off, he pulled it off and screamed. She ran to the downstairs office, crying and we were given a free period. I couldn’t help but laugh hysterically by his side as the whole ordeal went down.

When I was headed out to lunch, Eren was already telling the story to the others. I sat down just as he finished.

“Telling them about 1st period?” I lit up a cigarette without making eye contact.

“Damn right I am. I’m fucking hilarious.”

I chuckled a little and looked over at Armin who had a textbook open and his sleeves rolled up. The scratches were getting more visible which means he had picked up his habit again, but Eren may have been too caught up to notice.

I pulled a cigarette from my pack and handed it over to Armin. He lifted his eyes, his eyes wet and glistening.

“Oh God. You have no idea how much I needed this right now. He put it between his lips and I lit it up for him.

He stretched out his neck and exhaled smoke slowly. “Fuck me. This sucks ass. I hate finals and they’re still two weeks away.”

“More than two weeks. You have till Thursday before you hit the two week mark.” I chuckled and he glared at me.

“Don’t be an ass.”

I shrugged and heard footsteps behind me. Naturally, it was Marco.

He sat beside me and kissed my cheek before leaning into my shoulder.

“Are you stressed about finals as well?”

He chuckled a little. “Not as much as Armin is.” Armin glared at us both before digging his nails back into his forearms.

I made a face and pulled out my phone to text Eren. It wasn’t my responsibility to tell Armin to stop doing that. Boyfriends needed to take care of each other.

Marco leaned into me even more. “It’s lonely here without Annie.”

I could only nod. I missed her terribly. She was a good friend to me whether she was insane or not. Something obviously happened though and I knew she’d tell me if I got her alone soon.

\--

Lunch was much quieter than usual. Armin chain-smoked cigarettes and Eren told me he’d talk to him later about his arms. I thanked him and held hands with Marco as we walked inside.

“I’ll see you next period then?”

I smiled a little. “Yep. Have fun with whatever.”

He chuckled and we kissed sweetly before he waved a goodbye.

I smiled and headed to my next class.

Where I spent most of which doodling Marco in. He looked great as the “rose model” as he had called it. When I had all them lined up, I was sure to get an A on my final. Art was easy for me like that.

\--

4th period dragged on for what seemed like hours before the bell finally rang and I was out of there faster than anyone. I was just anxious to see Marco, especially after what a great weekend we had together. I didn’t wanna be apart from him at all.

All the feelings of ache passed when I saw him standing outside the door to our history class with that big, dorky smile of his.

“Hey, Freckles.”

He chuckled a little and hugged me tightly. It was a little unexpected, but I hugged him back just as tight.

“What was that for?”

“Nothing. Don’t worry about it.” His eyes had a glint of sadness in them, but I wouldn’t pry. I didn’t wanna cause a meltdown.

I shrugged it off as he pulled me into the classroom by my hand.

\--

We were simply told to read the chapter and take notes while Mr. Smith graded some papers. No talk of finals and that was a relief.

I pulled out my iPod and offered an earbud to Marco like I always do, but he didn’t even look at me. He was already busy reading and jotting things down.

I whispered, “Do you wanna listen to music with me?”

He didn’t look up and just shook his head. It gave me this sinking feeling in my stomach that I didn’t like at all and I wanted him to talk to me about it, but it probably wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

I took a deep breath and put on a list of pick-me-ups before getting to work.

All period was quiet like this and it made me uneasy, but I was dealing with it as best as I possibly could. I’d talk to him sooner or later. I had to.

\--

When class was over, Marco stood up and left without saying a word to me. I rolled my eyes and brushed it off. I couldn’t let the little things get to me. Besides, I had some designs to finish next period and I’d probably end up talking Armin’s ear off about the situation.

When I walked into the classroom, Armin had his head hanging down over one of his sketches. He was shaking a little and his hair was covering the side of his face. He was probably crying and I knew that his problems had to come before mine.

I took my seat behind him and tapped his shoulder. He bolted up, gasping, and started to rub at his eyes.

“Hey, man. What’s going on?”

Armin sniffled and tried to get his breathing back under control. He was still choking on sobs and rubbing frantically at his eyes, trying to get them to stop leaking.

“Is it ok if I touch you?”

He nodded and I put my hand on his back and started to rub it gently. When Armin was like this, it was dangerous to touch him at all without asking permission. It was just how his anxiety worked. Eren had given me Armin 101 one day and it helped out a lot.

His breathing started to even out and he took a deep breath before exhaling slowly. “I’m sorry. I’m stressed out about everything. Finals are driving me up the wall and Eren is blaming himself for my scratching again. We both missed our 4th period to go home to clean and bandage up my arms. They look so bad, Jean.” He looked up at me and his blue eyes began to glisten like crystals in the sunshine.

“He took care of you right? Armin, we can’t have you scratching yourself like that. It’s categorized under self-harm and it doesn’t only hurt you. It hurts everyone around you and I know you’ve heard this all before, but it’s true. I tipped Eren off at lunch that you were scratching which is why he took you home. He wanted to be a good boyfriend and help you in any way he could.”

Armin sniffled and retraced some lines on his sketch. “I think I’m getting a long cuddle session tonight while we watch a dumb old movie.” That made him smile. “Thank you for tipping him off. Marco’s lucky to have you. You’re observant, Jean. It amazes me sometimes.”

I nodded. “I did wanna talk to you about some of my recent observations as well.”

“Give me your theories.” Armin turned to me and flipped to a new page in his book so we could both sketch while we talked.

I grabbed my sketchbook out of my bag and decided to redraw Annie first and possibly do some rough colouring. I started to sketch the lines and I sighed. “I guess I wanna start off with Annie.”

“She overdosed and is at home, resting. What’s there to dig into?”

“It wasn’t an accident.”

I heard Armin drop his pencil and when I looked up at him, tears were welling in his eyes again. “Wh-what?”

“Annie is careful with her drugs. She is _extremely_ careful. She overdosed on Oxy because it’s the only drug she’ll take by herself and Mikasa wasn’t there. Mikasa was simply the first one who was contacted from the hospital.”

“How do you know she wasn’t just experimenting by herself or what if she was with Levi?”

I shook my head. “Levi knows how to handle an overdose on his own. The hospital wouldn’t have gotten involved. Also, Annie told me she would never try anything new alone. She’s afraid and very cautious, as I said.”

“So, what’s the deduction, Sherlock?”

“She was trying to kill herself.”

Armin shook and dropped his book this time. He pulled his sleeve over his hand and brought it up to his mouth and screamed. It was muffled, but still loud enough to get the teacher’s attention.

\--

She ended up excusing us and we both left to go sit in the park for the last 45 minutes of class. This way, Armin could cry and I could smoke. It would help us ease our nerves.

On the way out, Armin was chewing on his sleeve and holding my hand. His cries began to get hysterical and all I could do until we sat down was to squeeze his hand.

When we got to the tree, we leaned against it and Armin buried his face into my chest. I stroked his hair and let him cry as much as he needed. I didn’t have anything to say because I had no idea if Annie was safe yet. She was alive, yes. But she was only alive for as long as she wanted to. Next time, she might not be so sloppy. I could see her shooting or hanging herself.

I shuddered at the thought and held onto Armin’s head trying not to cry, myself.

When Armin regained his composure, I pulled out two cigarettes and he gladly accepted one. We both lit up, feeling shaky and sad.

Armin exhaled slowly. “What’s gonna happen to her?”

“I think she’ll be ok. I’m not sure what’s making her so sad, but I’m sure I’ll be able to get an answer out of her.”

“I don’t wanna lose any of our friends.”

“We won’t…Marco is acting weird though.”

“Weird how?”

“Not talking to me at all during history and not wanting to listen to music with me. He didn’t even say goodbye to me before he bolted out of the classroom.”

“Sounds like he has something to tell you.”

“Probably something bad.” I groaned and took a long drag off my cigarette. I grabbed my phone and texted him telling me to meet me in the park after school.

Armin exhaled the smoke onto my chest and it bounced off my shirt. High school was getting harder as we got older and it was scary. Next year might just possibly be hell. I knew Armin could do it. He was smart and liked to learn, but I was the lowest common denominator and I just had to try my best to get by.

Like Marco had said, we’re all gonna be alright.

\--

45 minutes and 3 cigarettes later, the final bell had rung and Armin was sleeping against my chest. I texted Eren earlier telling him where we were. So, I’d be expecting him and Marco. I sighed and lit up my 4th cigarette, being careful not to get ash in Armin’s hair. I had to calm myself down as much as I could before Marco showed up.

Thankfully, Eren was the first to show up. He smiled a little and sat down next to Armin and began stroking his hair.

Armin whined and little and his eyes fluttered open. He pulled himself up from me and leaned his back against Eren. He started rubbing his eyes and sniffling. “How long was I asleep for?”

I answered quickly, “Maybe half an hour. School’s out and your prince charming is here to retrieve you.”

He tilted his head back and smiled up at Eren. “Thank you for coming to get me.”

Eren smiled. “Well, I’m your ride and I’m not just gonna leave you at school overnight.”

Armin turned his head and kissed Eren sweetly. “My hero.”

I smiled at them both and told them I’d see them later once they stood up and started to walk back to Eren’s car.

I wanted everything they had.

\--

I was able to finish my cigarette just as Marco showed up. My chest got tight and it hurt to breathe. I was only thinking of the worst possible outcomes.

As he approached, I tried to compose myself, but I ended up stuttering. “H-hey there, Freckles.”

Whereas he’d normally smile, his expression was cold and anxious. He sat down next to me and leaned his head on my shoulder. I’d stay quiet until he wanted to spill about what was bothering him.

The silence felt like forever and my anxiety was rising at an alarming rate. Until, he finally said the thing that made my heart break on the spot.

“I’m moving.”


	13. I'm Not Your Boyfriend Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We needed angst right?  
> Please don't get mad at me for this.  
> Crying is ok.  
> Also, I'm too lazy to proof read right now so I apologize for any mistakes.  
> This chapter marks our longest one so it was worth the wait, right?

I spent the rest of the week avoiding Marco and just about everyone else. I talked to Eren maybe once or twice and that was it. I went to school, but I’d stay in the park the entire morning before class started and at lunch, I’d drive around in my car instead of staying with everyone in the park. During history class, I would take a seat in the back of the room and avoid looking at Marco. He never questioned it. I kept my phone off and turned it on occasionally to check if anyone needed me. Eren and Armin begged for an explanation and Levi insisted he knew how to help even though he didn’t know what was really going on.

I hadn’t used in a while even though I had more than enough left to go on a good binge. I only used it when I was happy and wanted to kick start that or if I was confused and needed some clarity to help me think. It opened my brain. If I used now and my brain opened, I’d pick apart the situation until I wouldn’t be able to cope anymore. It was safer to leave it alone.

But now it was Friday and of course, Annie was having a party. I didn’t know what would happen, but I didn’t want to use. A drink or two might be nice, but I didn’t want to use any sort of drug. I didn’t even want to talk to Annie at this point. It was rude of me, but how dare she try and kill herself to leave us all behind. It wasn’t fair to anyone especially Mikasa.

I was so out of the loop at this point that I didn’t know if she had told anyone or how anyone was feeling about the situation whether she told or not. I was desperate to talk to Mikasa now. I wanted to know, but maybe I’d find out tonight.

\--

I had somehow gotten myself to leave the house on time. I’d be later than usual, but on time for the rest of the guests. I didn’t even bother looking for certain cars. I didn’t care who was here and I wasn’t about to actively avoid them. It was taking too much energy out of me.

I turned off my car and got out then locked it up. I double checked my pockets to make sure I had everything then went up to the door. Luckily, since this was a party, the door was unlocked and I could go in undetected by any of my friends. I didn’t make eye contact with anyone and made a beeline for the kitchen.

People I didn’t recognize were pouring shots in the kitchen. The liquid was blue and looked pretty good. I helped myself to one. It didn’t burn too bad going down and tasted like raspberries. It was obviously some girly vodka, but Annie always had whiskey or rum in the house so that was a plus. I’d milk some of the blue vodka for a bit though. I took another shot and decided I couldn’t hide forever. I took a deep breath and headed out to the porch.

I opened the back door and heard someone yell my name. I froze and slowly turned around just to see Eren and Armin there. I had been holding my breath and exhaled. “You guys scared me.”

Eren came up to me, looking pissed. “Fuck that. You’ve scared us. Where the hell have you been all week and why is your phone off? What the fuck is going on? You can’t play pity party forever, Jean.”

I lit up a cigarette before owning up to everything. “Marco’s moving so I’ve been avoiding you guys like the plague because I feel like shit and I can’t bitch to you because you told me not to last week when I told you Armin getting his lip pierced wasn’t a big deal.”

I looked to Eren for validation and he nodded. “It was a big deal to me and this is obviously a big deal to you. It was a fucking joke though. You’re too serious all the time.”

I ignored him. “I would’ve gone to Annie, but she’s dealing with her suicide shit and I’m sure Mikasa isn’t feeling too happy about that.”

Eren looked at me, then broke eye contact before sighing. “Yeah, Annie told us she had attempted suicide.”

“Why did she do it?” I saw Armin turn his head away from us since he knew when I figured it out.

“I’m not really sure about that yet. I really wanna see how Mikasa’s feeling though.”

Eren rubbed his eyes. “She’s been at home for the last week, crying and scratching at her knuckles. The skin is rubbed raw, but Annie’s name is still black as night. She’s hurt to say the least and she’s sulking around here somewhere, trying to avoid her girlfriend.”

“Well, where’s Annie?”

“Annie is up in her room with some of the druggies selling them heroin. She told Mikasa she’s not using anything tonight, but Miki isn’t really having it. At this point, I think Mikasa’s pretty drunk.”

I sighed. “I need to find her.”

“Check the downstairs bathroom that nobody goes into. She tends to lie on the floor until she feels better emotionally.”

I sucked on my cigarette and watched Armin, who still had his head turned. I supposed I should definitely go check to see how she’s doing. I just hope she’s not sick. I put out my cigarette and waved goodbye to Eren and Armin before heading back inside.

At this point, I could definitely feel my buzz building. It was a warm feeling and it made me smile to myself. Alcohol was definitely ok in this situation. It had been a while since I had a drink as well.

My good feeling left when I made my way downstairs and knocked on the door to the bathroom. I heard sniffles through the door and shuffling. It had to have been Mikasa.

“Miki?”

I heard another sniffled and the door unlock. I figured that was my invitation to go inside and see her. I opened the door with caution and as Eren had said, she was on the floor, crying. It looked like she had been wearing makeup, but she had wiped it all off, but there were still black smudges around her eyes and on her cheeks. Her lips, which were usually a light pink colour, were red and chewed raw. They looked about ready to bleed. My eyes traveled down to her hand. Her knuckles were both bleeding like she had been punching something and my eyes averted to the wall. Near the trimming by the floor, there were some dents and some blood that had dried and looked brown and rusty.

I sighed and kneeled down next to her. I didn’t even say anything before she wrapped her arms around me and started to cry. I could only hold her back and stroke her hair. Her hair was dry and messy like she hadn’t slept or bathed in a week.

“Miki…”

“Why did this have to happen?! She’s my soul mate! I’d be lost without her!”

“Hey, shh. She’s alive and well. She didn’t take enough pills to the point where they couldn’t do anything. I heard she’s upstairs and kicking.”

Mikasa pulled away from me and wiped her eyes, trying to get a stoic look back on her face. “This world is cruel,” Her eyes wandered down to her bloody knuckles. “But it is also very beautiful.”

“Mikasa…”

“And revenge is sweet.”

“What?” My eyes widened a little.

“I have to get back at her. I’ve done nothing but support her.”

“Mikasa, you’re thinking irrationally. This was just a bump in the road. You should probably take a bath and then go to sleep. I’ll drive you home. You’re drunk and exhausted. You don’t have to talk to Annie right now, but don’t hurt her like she’s hurt you. Be the bigger person.”

“Stay with me.”

“Huh?” I felt my face get a little red.

“Stay with me while I take a bath…please. I don’t trust myself.”

“Couldn’t you ask Armin or Eren?”

“Eren’s my brother and Armin is as emotionally compromised as myself. He’s useless right now.”

“And I’m not? You heard Marco’s moving, right?”

“We can be sad together, ok? I need you, Jean. Please.”

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. “Fine. Just…don’t take too long.”

Mikasa smiled a little and took off her scarf first and began to run the bathtub. I picked her scarf up off the floor and folded it. I began to fiddle with it in my hands, trying to avert my eyes as Mikasa got undressed.

She left her clothes in a pile on the floor and stopped the water in the bath before getting in. My eyes were still locked on her scarf. I kept trying to convince myself that I was a gentleman and besides, we both had found our soul mates. Because of that though, would it be so wrong to look at my best friend’s boobs? Other thoughts started to circle around my mind and I felt my face get redder.

Before I met Marco, I had gone on dates with girls. I’ve kissed girls before. It baffled me when my mom told me Marco was a boy’s name because I thought I liked girls. Sex with Marco was out of this world, but it scared me that I had never really had a chance to sleep with a girl. Was I thinking about Mikasa that way? Fuck. This was bad. It didn’t help that I was drunk and so was she. It reminded me of a song. What was it?

“Lemme take a guess at what you’re thinking right now?”

I looked up without realizing that she was naked, but it didn’t seem weird now that I was looking at her.

She smiled. “I’m guessing you’re thinking what I am. How you thought you were straight and that it’s weird that you got hooked up with someone of the same sex. You love having sex with Marco, I know it, but you wished you could’ve hooked up with a girl at least once even though you told yourself you’d save yourself for your soul mate?”

I sighed. “Are you a mind reader? You forgot one part though.”

She giggled. “You’re also thinking about the song Drunk Girls by LCD Soundsystem because we’re drunk.”

I groaned. “How do you do that?”

“You’re easy to read and I like that a lot.” She reached out of the tub to take my hand.

I looked up at her, a little confused. “Are you implying something?”

“I have an idea after we get back to my house since Eren and Armin won’t be home till late and they might even be staying here. I know they’ve been popping pills.”

“On a scale of one to invading Russia in the winter how bad is your idea?”

“Kicking Hitler out of art school.”

We both laughed at that and she squeezed my hand tighter. “But seriously. Just this once, nobody has to find out, we could experience what it’s like to have sex with someone of the opposite gender.”

“M-Mikasa!”

“Shh! It’s just an idea. No one’s going to find out. Annie’s hardly been paying attention to me and I know you’ve been avoiding Marco. I talked to him and he knows you just want space. He’s not gonna bother you unless you go to him first.”

I pondered it for a moment before coming to a conclusion. “Once you’re clean, let’s go back to your place and wait until we’re mostly sober. I have a couple 5mg Oxys that we can take to give it more of a kick. Sound like a plan?”

She smiled a little. “Most definitely.” She dunked her head under to get her hair wet and started to wash it and the rest of herself.

\--

I couldn’t help but watch Mikasa clean herself off. It was almost erotic in a way. She was beautiful. I probably had a suppressed crush on her. I could admit it now. Watching her get her clothes back on almost disappointed me, but I knew she was ready to go.

I got up off the floor and we both snuck upstairs and out to my car. We were quiet until we got to driving. She plugged in her phone and played Drunk Girls and we both sang along to it on the way to her house. I figured we were still both feeling pretty good at this point. We were about to kick it up though.

I parked on the street outside her house and she opened the car door, kicking her heels out first and shaking her hips a little. I got out and laughed, watching her strut up to the front door. I’d admit it now, Mikasa was sexy. She reminded me of Hanji in a way and I adored Hanji. I smiled to myself and followed Mikasa inside after she had unlocked the door.

She turned to me immediately after I shut the front door. “Pills.”

I patted my jacket pocket. “Right here.”

She went into the kitchen and grabbed us each a can of Mountain Dew. “Anxious? Nervous? Scared?”

I barely caught the soda when she threw it at me and nodded. “A little.”

“Take the white pill. You’ll feel alright.”

I smirked and took the bottle out of my jacket pocket. I opened the bottle and handed her one and kept another in my palm for myself.

She looked into my eyes and nodded before downing her pill. I followed her lead. We both knew it would take half an hour before it kicked, but I wasn’t sure what to do before then. Foreplay? It sounded fun.

She broke my train of thought. “Do you have a condom?”

My face drained of colour and I frantically patted my pockets down until I found my wallet. I closed my eyes and whispered a prayer before opening it up. In the billfold, there was indeed a condom wrapped up and ready to be used. I let out a sigh of relief.

She gave me a weird look before I spoke up, “I thought I had run out from last weekend.”

“You sure do fuck a lot. You better not disappoint me. And don’t make me bleed. This vagina has never had a dicking before.”

I chuckled to myself. “I wanna try everything. I’m really more curious than you’d think.”

“Well, then that means that I get to try whatever I want on you.” She winked and we both laughed at how nervous we were.

She went over to sit on the couch and I joined her, holding my soda with both of my hands. She kept her eyes to the floor and her hair was in her eyes. Nonetheless, I kept looking at her until she looked back.

She finally raised her head and looked at me. She inhaled deeply and ran her fingers through her hair before exhaling. “Are you having second thoughts?”

I bit my lip. “At this point, not really. I really wanna do this. It’d be pointless to back out now. We’re buzzing, we’re horny, and we’re mad at fate and the universe at this very moment.”

She nodded and smiled. “I can feel it kicking in. I like how it feels. I’m not gonna be classy about this, Jean. I really wanna fuck you right now.”

We both laughed and stood up, heading back to her room. It was a mess. More so than usual. Her clothes were scattered across the floor and there were CDs littered on her bedside table. Some of her vinyl records were out of the sleeves and just lying flat on an album covered. She was taking poor care of her valuables and that’s how I knew that things were bad.

She shuffled over to the records and began putting them back in the sleeves and leaning them against the wall so they wouldn’t warp.

“We should listen to something. Music makes sex better.” She smiled back at me.

“Do you have AM by the Arctic Monkeys?”

She fingered through her records and pulled out the black album with the white wave lengths on it. “Good choice. I love this album. We should put something in the CD player as well so we can just hit play from the bed when the album stops and has to be flipped.”

I nodded. “Good idea. Do you have Violator on CD? I know you have it on vinyl.”

“Jean, I love that album, of course I own more than one copy.” She looked through the CDs on her table and pulled out the black album with the red rose on it. She smiled a little at it before popping it into the player and letting it load. This way, when she hit play, it would be ready to just play and we wouldn’t have to listen to the white noise of the disc spinning.

Mikasa sat on the bed and pushed her hair out of her face before looking up at me. She let out a shaky breath before holding her arms up as a signal for me to lean down. She looked nervous, but still beautiful.

I leaned over her and rested my arms on her shoulders. Our faces were only inches apart and she craned her neck to kiss me. Her lips were soft and I could taste the alcohol on them. I let myself go and kissed her back, trying to convince myself that this was OK and no one would find out.

She licked at my lips, telling me to let her in and I obliged. Her tongue was smaller and softer than Marco’s and I felt a twinge of regret when I thought about it. I tried not to think about it and pushed her onto her back. She squeaked a little, but I could feel her smile as her arms wrapped around my neck.

Our kisses started to get more aggressive as I ran my hands up her shirt and played with the wires on the cups of her bra. She arched her back and I reached underneath her to unhook it. She hooked a leg around my waist when I started to play with her nipples. I let a moan out and she tried to sit up.

When I let go of her body and her mouth, she sat up and pulled off her shirt. I kneeled on the bed and slipped off her bra. She smirked a little bit and I knew it was because I was blushing. She leaned towards me and ran her fingers through the shaven part of my hair, beckoning me closer. I wrapped my arms around her waist and got close enough to where I could suck on her nipples. It was definitely a different experience. Mikasa was well built, but she still had curves and her skin was soft. It felt extremely foreign to me.

She gripped onto my hair and leaned her head back, letting out loud breaths. I smirked and started to kiss her chest, making my way to her neck and then her jawline. She pulled at my shirt, trying to get me to take it off. Once I kissed up to her ear, I pulled away to take off my shirt.

This time, she was the one to gawk for a second before kissing my chest. I ran my fingers through her hair and then ran them down her back before getting to the waist band on her jeans. She kept kissing my body as I hooked my thumbs through her belt loops and pulled a little. She leaned back on the bed and I moved my hands to unbutton and unzip her pants. Once I got them undone, I pulled them off. I couldn’t help but stare at the lacey red underwear that she had on. They were cute and it kind of made me wonder if she had planned this because as far as I knew, girls didn’t wear extremely sexual underwear every day.

She looked up at me with half-lidded eyes and smiled. “Your turn.”

I chuckled before undoing my own jeans and taking them off, leaving us both in our underwear. I was a little embarrassed, yeah, but it wasn’t so bad. Mikasa’s eyes were scanning me, yeah, but I didn’t feel uncomfortable.

She sat up and straddled my lap, resting her hands on my shoulders as she kissed me softly. I didn’t hesitate for a moment. Her lips were softer than Marco and she was a good kisser. I had to give her credit for that. During the kiss, I bucked my hips up a little and she chuckled.

We broke the kiss and she breathily whispered, “Fuck me now. I can’t take it anymore.”

I complied and lay her down before crawling over her and kissing her again. This kiss was hungrier and I needed her. I felt broken and I know she did too. Two broken people coming together in body would fix something, right? Maybe not, but I had to stay positive about this.

Suddenly, she pushed me off. “What’s wrong?”

“Music.” She smirked and I let her up so she could start the record. The first track began playing and she got back down on the bed and beckoned for me to kiss her again. I complied and ran my hands down her sides to pull off her panties. I slid them off slowly and cupped her crotch. Oh god. She shaved. This was better than a dream.

I broke our lips apart and started to kiss down her chest to her belly and eventually down to her crotch. She didn’t protest as I spread the lips apart and began licking around. It tasted bitter and a little sour, but sweet in a way. I liked it a lot and it looked like she did too when her fingers tangled into my hair.

I kept licking up and down, occasionally flicking my tongue over her clit. When I felt like I had gotten my fill off her taste, I focused my tongue on her clit. It didn’t take long before my tongue started to hurt and her legs were twitching as she made small breathy gasps.

“Jean, fuck me…please…”

I reached to the floor to grab my jeans and pulled my wallet out of my pocket. I opened it up and pulled out the condom. I ripped it open before she interrupted, “I wanna put it on.”

I smiled and slipped off my underwear. I felt extremely comfortable at this point with Mikasa. She unwrapped the condom and looked at it before figuring out which way it unrolled. She put the top over the head of my dick and then rolled the rest down the shaft. I was rock hard by the time she got finished and we were both more than ready, but she wasn’t lying back down.

She was still holding the end of my shaft and before I knew it, her lips were over my dick and she was sucking softly. I gasped softly as she sucked gently. She was calmer and more focused than Marco. Fuck, I really needed to stop focusing on him. I was having sex with Mikasa and she seemed superior at this point. She was all I needed right now. This was a good thing what we were doing.

I was snapped out of my thoughts as she took more of my dick into her mouth. She gently moved her head up and down, using her tongue in the most perfect ways. My breathing became ragged and I needed to be inside her. I grabbed the back of her hair and pulled gently to let her know that that was enough.

She took her mouth of me and smiled sweetly before lying back down. I got over her and I could already feel the heat radiating between us. She spread her legs and I angled my dick so I could get it inside her. She looked up at me before I pushed the tip in and she squeaked.

“You ok?”

“Go slow. Go very, very slow. My vagina is scared, I think.”

We both laughed at that, but I respected her wishes. I started by thrusting the head in and out, trying to get her more aroused. Pretty soon, things started to feel a bit slicker and pushed just a bit more in.

“Mm, it feels good.” She had her eyes closed, but she was smiling. “Try and get in all the way.”

I went slow even with how shaky I was and eventually got all the way inside her. She looked up at me and smiled to let me know that I should start moving.

I took a deep breath before thrusting in and out of her slowly, careful not to slide out of her completely. She moved with me and it felt amazing. Her arms eventually wrapped around my neck and I was pressed against her as much as I could when my thrusts started to get faster.

Her breaths were short and staggered. Mine weren’t probably much better. Things were getting faster and hotter by the moment. Mikasa was so perfect and she seemed to really be liking it as well. Her noises told me so.

\--

We had probably been going at it for 45 minutes when I felt her clench around me which caused me to let loose and climax with her. We both let out loud moans at the same time and relaxed immediately afterwards.

I panted hard before pulling out of her and slipping off the condom then tying it into a knot and throwing it out her bedroom window. She gave me a skeptical look for that one.

“I don’t want anyone getting suspicious of what just happened.”

“Ah.” She pulled a blanket up over herself and nuzzled into the pillow. _Policy of Truth_ began playing on the CD player which we had started about 20 minutes into our little fuck. I looked over at Mikasa and her eyes were filled with bliss and I hadn’t seen a genuine smile like that for weeks. I felt good that I could make her feel good.

I reached to the floor and started by putting my boxers and jeans back on. After I did that, I sat back down on the bed and took her hand. “Do you feel better?”

“So much better. You’re really a good friend, Jean. This is a weird thing for friends to do for each other, but it made me feel a lot better.”

“It made me feel better, too.”

She squeezed my hand and we didn’t even hear footsteps leading up to the door until the door was swung open and there was Eren. “Miki, are you here? You left the party early and I figured you got a ride home from J—“

She sat up and pulled the blanket over herself and I reached for my shirt and quickly put it on. No, this wasn’t supposed to happen. Why didn’t Eren ever knock? He knew my car was here. He probably thought I had just given her a ride home and that was all. There was no reason to knock. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“Mikasa…Jean…what…?”

I felt my heart breaking. It wasn’t Marco or Annie, but it was my best friend and it was just as bad. “Don’t tell anyone. Not even Armin.”

He didn’t have time to speak before I heard a familiar voice from down the hall. “Eren? Is she in here? I really need to get home.”

I could hear him getting closer and Eren still wasn’t moving. “Eren? Did you hear me? Is Mikasa in—“

He came in through the doorway and scanned the situation. I was frozen. I couldn’t move or speak. I wanted to throw up at best. “Marco…”

“Don’t speak to me. Don’t call me or anything. I don’t wanna hear from you again ever. After I move, forget I existed.”

“Marco, I…”

“I hate you, Jean!”

He ran out of the room and Eren went after him. My heart was breaking. The tears were coming. What did I just do?


	14. Over My Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost finished here! There's a new warning up top for you just in case you don't want to go on any further. I have some new fics in the works that are not nearly as sad, so be thankful for that. I'll start uploading them after I have this piece totally finished.  
> Be prepared for heart break.  
> Another note: I played with POVs. If you see a name in italics under a break, it means the story has been taken over from that character's POV. It starts out as Jean, then Marco, then Armin, and finished with Eren.  
> Also, this chapter is dedicated to the lovely Carrie because her birthday is Nov. 30th.  
> Happy birthday, Carrie! Please don't hate me for this!

After mine and Mikasa’s huge fiasco, we stuck by each other’s side. Annie found out from Eren, but she wasn’t the type to hold a grudge against Mikasa. Mikasa, on the other hand, didn’t want to talk about it and kept her space from Annie. I respected Marco’s wishes and didn’t talk to him.

As for our group dynamic, Mikasa and I isolated ourselves from the others. We didn’t have sex again. We didn’t even kiss. We didn’t belong to each other, but we both needed friends. Eren was mad at both of us. Even though Annie told him not to be, I’m sure Marco did. We were coming up on the end of the year and Marco’s moving date.

Everyone was too angry and anxious to be too nervous about finals like they would any other year. I didn’t know how anyone was doing. I missed them all so much. I missed Eren’s comic relief and obliviousness. I missed Armin’s neuroticism and his concern for everyone else around him. I missed Annie’s free spirit. And I know I missed everything about Marco. It was like he had already left.

I found myself with Levi when I wasn’t with Mikasa. I was using a lot more than I ever had and I’m sure I’d become addicted to these stupid pills. I wasn’t using cocaine very heavily, but I had a sniff every once in a while. I knew Levi was worried about me, but he knew there was nothing he could do unless I wanted to stop for myself. I just wanted to try and survive for a while before facing reality.

\--

It had been about two weeks since Marco told me to split and instead of planning to be at Annie’s end the year party, I was with Levi and Hanji. It was soothing. Levi was playing Weezer and Hanji was singing along with it quietly. The hookah was burning and we were each lazily taking hits of the hose when we felt like it. To top of the relaxed mood, we were all buzzing on Oxy.

As far as I knew, Hanji hardly ever used. She was more of a drinker than a user, but she didn’t wanna feel left out this time. She was still pretty even when she was completely out of it. Levi and I were both chain smoking and he kept making sweet comments about Hanji which was completely unlike him. I adored the environment we were in. It felt safe. Like nothing could hurt us.

Levi lit up a cigarette and turned to me. “When is Marco leaving town?”

“Tomorrow. School was over today and he’s leaving ASAP as far as I know.”

“What are you going to do?”

I sighed and tried not to let myself get choked up. “Wait.”

“Wait?”

“I’ll wait for him until he can forgive me. We may not be boyfriends anymore, but we will always be soul mates and that really can’t be changed. It doesn’t matter how much he loathes me, my name will always be etched into his chest. It’s like sweet sorrow.”

Levi took a drag of his cigarette and pointed to my hands. “I noticed you’re wearing your gloves again. The ones you always used to wear before you met Marco.”

I glanced at my hands then lit up a cigarette of my own. “Out of sight, out of mind.” I swallowed a lump in my throat and leaned back into the couch. “It’s not always true though.”

Hanji came back from the kitchen with some soda and handed Levi and me each a can. “Swallow your sadness, honey. You’re a brave soldier. Oh, and speaking of soldiers, how did you do on your art final?”

I sighed. “I still used Marco for one of my models. I ended up getting an A. The teacher was really impressed. Armin did amazing too. He created this creature that he and Marco named a ‘Titan’. It sort of looked like Ymir. I loved it a lot.”

Hanji smiled and sat next to Levi on the couch. “I’m really proud of you and you’re going to be a senior next year so that’s gonna be nice.”

I nodded and smiled a little. “Hopefully, we can fix everything over the summer. I don’t think I can handle three months without my Scooby-Doo gang.”

Levi cocked an eyebrow. “Scooby-Doo?”

I chuckled. “I used to compare us to the gang in Scooby-Doo because there were five of us. I guess that was the only reason. Armin always reminded me of Velma anyway.”

“Did that make you Scooby then?”

“I suppose it did. Scooby always stood out because he was independent like me. He didn’t have much of an accompanying party except for Shaggy.”

“He also stood out because he’s a talking dog.”

“Eh, that too.”

“Well, Scooby, you’re welcome to hang out here tonight while Annie has her party. We’ll have our own party.” Levi smiled a little, his eyes looking tired from the pills’ effects.

This was definitely going to be an interesting evening.

\--

_Marco_

I had been waiting in the living room at Eren’s house for what seemed to be too long. Annie said she’d come pick us up since we were always the first ones at her house anyway. I could Armin and Eren in the back arguing about which lip ring Armin should wear. Armin wanted to wear a blue-coloured bead on a stud and Eren thought he should wear a small silver horseshoe ring. Arin was probably going to win this round. It was his lip after all.  If Jean ever got a lip piercing, I’d want him to wear a stud so I could taste his lips when we kissed.

I shuddered a little and wiped my eyes. I couldn’t be thinking like that. I left tomorrow and I was still mad at Jean. He cheated on me. He slept with a girl. A girl who also cheated to say the least. I knew Mikasa would be at the party because Annie wasn’t mad and by default, we weren’t supposed to be either.

I sighed and leaned back on the couch. I didn’t want to be at Jean either, but this was just one step too far. Nothing about him bothered me except for this one little blip on the map. Could anyone even blame me? Soul mates are scary and we met young, but everyone around us met sooner and were able to stay faithful except Mikasa.

My thoughts were interrupted by Eren groaning from the back room and Armin coming down the hall wearing a blue stud in his lip. “I won.”

I smiled, but that was natural around Eren and Armin. They were so playful with each other, but there was still passion. I admired them both and only wished that Jean and I could have been like that. Maybe it could happen one day. We’d be soul mates forever, after all.

Armin sat next to me and Eren came slinking down the hall. “You’re the worst.”

Armin perked up and stuck his tongue out. “It’s my lip.”

“That I’ll be kissing!”

“So why would you want a ring in the way?”

Eren pondered for a moment. “Maybe I’ll get a tongue piercing and then you’ll see.”

Armin rolled his eyes. “Good luck talking Mikasa into that.”

“Well, I’m like the only one without a piercing now!”

“Do ears on girls even count?”

“Yes! They’re holes in their body. They count.”

Armin shrugged. “Fair enough. I heard getting your tongue pierced really hurts though.”

Eren rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

I butted in. “When’s Annie getting here?”

Armin looked over at me and laughed a little. “Sorry about the lover’s quarrel. She should be here soon.”

Like clockwork, Eren’s phone buzzed and it was a message from Mikasa saying they were in the driveway. We all grabbed our coats and keys and headed out to the car.

\--

When Annie let us all inside, we were the only ones there. I’ve gotten used to the fact that people showed up about two hours later so we’d at least have time to chill and get a good buzz going on pills.

I had definitely been using a lot more since the incident with Jean. I don’t think I was addicted. I wasn’t using every day and I didn’t crave it. However, if it was offered to me, I never said no.

Annie brought us over to the couch in the living room where there were pills separated by twos on a napkin. Two for each of us. Surrounding the napkin were six bottles of soda. There was a variety so I guess it was first come first serve.

In a poor French accent, Annie said, “Bon appetit.”

A few of us chuckled and all reached for a bottle of soda and then two pills. I downed mine quickly and chugged back the soda, letting the carbonation burn my throat.

Annie put down her bottle and looked at us. “No drinking tonight, guys, but there’s plenty more where that came from.”

She was repetitive, but it was a safety precaution. She really cared especially after what she had done to herself. She was being insanely careful with what she did now and everyone was really relieved that she wasn’t feeling so hopeless anymore. I think she was more worried about Mikasa than herself.

Mikasa did what she did because she was angry at Annie for being so selfish. Annie had obviously been dealing with some things at the time, but Mikasa couldn’t help but think of the worst if Annie really had died. After seeing how much we all cared, she became more selfless and coddled Mikasa. Annie really did care and didn’t want to lose Mikasa either. I wish I could be more like Annie.

She leaned back into the couch and slung an arm around Mikasa’s shoulders. “How did everyone do on finals?”

Armin was the first to speak up. “I actually had to go and buy a pack of cigarettes. I was smoking so much and now I’m afraid I’ve become nicotine dependent because of the stupid stress.”

Annie leaned forward and poked his forehead. “That’s what you get for taking early morning and all AP classes.”

“The regular classes aren’t challenging enough.”

“I think you’ll have fun in college.” She smiled sweetly.

Armin smiled back and leaned into Eren who wrapped an arm around his boyfriend and held him tight.

He gave Armin a skeptical look. “How did you get a pack of cigarettes? You’re not 18 until November.”

“I had one of those kids that always hangs by the gas station before school get me a pack. Lots of them are 18 already.”

Eren nodded then looked at me. “How about you, Marco?”

“I didn’t mind them. They were a really good distraction from what was going on with everything and everybody.”

Eren took my hand for a moment and squeezed it while smiling. He felt for me and that was a nice gesture. I appreciated it. I mouthed a “thank you” and he nodded, turning back to Armin.

No one was bringing up the subject that I was leaving either. They saw me as a good friend and maybe it hurt them that I was moving tomorrow? I know I’d be back. After graduating high school, I promised them that I would come back for college here. The city had a great university and all of them would be attending. They had even told me that I didn’t have to stay in the dorms and I was welcome to stay with any of them. They felt like a family and I loved it.

Eren, Armin, and I sat on the floor and got comfortable while Annie and Mikasa took up the couch. Armin and I were both leaning against Eren and it was safe and comfortable. I liked it. I liked all these guys, but I was getting too sentimental.

Annie was playing with Mikasa’s hair when she spoke up, “Who do you think is going to get here next?”

Eren rolled his neck and hummed. “I think maybe either Krista and Ymir or Connie and Sasha.”

Mikasa shifted towards us a little. “Did you hear what’s been going on with Krista?”

I cocked my head a little. “No, what?”

“Her parents actually told her the truth and she didn’t take the news so well.”

“The truth?”

“Well, apparently, her older sister is definitely the child of her mom and dad. You know, the ones she’s living with, but Krista’s mother had an affair with another man and that’s where she came from. When Krista was born, her dad took her in as her own, but she always had a weird feeling about him, you know? Anyway, she’s pretty much heartbroken and has been living with Ymir in her apartment for the past couple days. It’s pretty shitty, if you ask me.”

“H-how’s she dealing with it?”

“She’s been drinking her feelings non-stop. She’s even threatening to turn tricks on the street.”

“Does she need the money?”

“Well, she doesn’t have a job yet because she’s a couple years younger than Ymir and she hates feeling like she’s imposing.”

“How does Ymir feel?”

“Ymir will not get in the way of her drinking. She’s tried, but she can’t seem to wrestle her out of her depression. She’s forbidding Krista to whore herself out though.”

“Jesus.”

Annie spoke this time, “And if she shows up tonight, I’ll let her drink to her heart’s desire. She’s old enough to know her limit. Ymir told me she doesn’t even get to the point of throwing up. She just likes to forget why she’s upset sometimes.”

“I know how that feels.”

Everyone got quiet after that. I hadn’t been doing so keen either. I’d be breaking into my parent’s liquor cabinet after school some days just to numb the thought of Jean. It helped, but I didn’t want to become an alcoholic so I’d go to Annie for pills instead when a bout was really bad. It all evened out though because I wasn’t an alcoholic and I wasn’t opium dependent.

After the silence, the doorbell rang and Annie wiggled out from under Mikasa to go answer it. It was Krista and Ymir as expected, but Krista looked better than I had seen her in a couple weeks. Annie hugged them both and told them the booze was in the kitchen. Ymir thanked her and took Krista’s hand before going into the kitchen.

Armin looked up at Annie. “She looks nice tonight. Did she cut her hair?”

Annie glanced back as if they were still standing in the doorway. “Hm, I think so. I like the way her ponytail is tied with a red ribbon. Red is really her colour.”

\--

_Armin_

Over the next hour and a half, guests started rolling in and we were all at the peak of our buzzes. The music was loud and nobody cared about anything anymore. Connie and Sasha were dancing on the kitchen table to High Five by Fox Stevenson and everybody with long hair had taken out their ribbons and hair ties. It was surreal. I never knew that Sasha had such long hair. Maybe we’d hang out with them more over the summer.

Bertholdt and Reiner were in the kitchen as well and they were holding hands which was probably the most PDA I had ever seen from them. Bertholdt was shy, but even the booze was showing a slight flush on his cheeks. They were too cute together.

I found Eren in the living room and asked him if he wanted to come outside with me to have a cigarette. He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me sweetly before saying yes.

I took his hand and led him to the backdoor. When we got outside, I hopped up on the banister and shook out my pack of cigarettes. I still had over half a pack left. This was going to be a nice night. I lit up and exhaled slowly up to the stairs.

He joined me on the railing and smiled. “What’s on your mind?”

I looked over at him and ran a hand through my hair. “Jean.”

“What about him?”

“I’m worried about him. I know he’s been coming to school high and he hasn’t really spoken to us since that thing with Mikasa happened. I know Marco’s mad at him, but he was our friend first and I feel really shitty leaving him out of the festivities.”

Eren exhaled, blowing his bangs upward. “Mikasa told me he’s been spending a lot of time with Levi and Hanji. That’s probably where he is now.”

I bit my lip. “Do you think he’s gonna be alright tonight? I know he’s using and he doesn’t have to drive to get home, but…”

“But what?”

“He could easily OD.”

Eren shook his head. “Levi and Hanji wouldn’t let that happen. Jean’s also really careful with pill consumption. He knows when enough is enough and when it’s appropriate to take more to keep the buzz going. Don’t worry about it, Angel.”

“Tonight could be different. I know he’s held strong for all these years, but who’s to say that he won’t crumble tonight?”

Eren wrapped his arm around me and squeezed my shoulder. “You’re worrying too much. Do you need more pills? Annie told us we were welcome to go into her room to get more.”

“That’s another thing!”

“What is?”

“Annie used to only trust Jean with her drawer of drugs and now she’s suddenly trusting all of us like something bad might happen with Jean.”

“Armin!”

“What?”

“Nothing’s going to happen to Jean. He’s fine. Plus, when Marco leaves tomorrow, maybe Jean will want to get in touch with us all again. We can’t force him to though. You know that right?”

“I’m still going to call him later.”

“You do that. I’m going to go inside and get us some more pills before you finish that.”

Eren kissed my cheek and hopped off the railing before going inside.

I sighed and took an extra-long drag from my cigarette. It was ok to worry, right?

\--

_Eren_

Armin was too anxious sometimes and I tried to never let it bother me. It did sometimes, but that was part of the package. I loved Armin and I’d do anything for him. He was my world.

I thought these things and smiled as I headed up to Annie’s room. I knocked twice on the door and there was no answer so I went in and made a beeline for her drawer. I grabbed the pen from on top of the desk and opened up the drawer. I got on my knees and found the hole to push up the fake bottom. Once I got it loose, I stood up and took out the fake bottom and set it on the desk. I spotted the pills I needed and grabbed four from the bottle. I sealed the bottle and put back the bottom and closed the drawer, leaving everything else in place.

I headed downstairs and grabbed two Cokes from the kitchen and made my way back outside. I handed Armin two pills and one can and he swallowed the pills before he even managed to slug them back with a drink. He was definitely on edge.

I found myself back on the railing after taking my pills and leaned into him. It looked like he had started a new cigarette. Something was definitely up.

“What happened while I was gone?”

Armin exhaled smoke before speaking, “I texted Jean and the message went through and was delivered, but there’s no read receipt on it. Jean keeps those on at all times. Why wouldn’t he check a text from me? He always does.”

“Did you call him?”

“Of course! It rang the full amount and went to his voicemail so I tried again and the same thing ha-“

Before Armin could finish his sentence, my phone was going off. “See? Maybe it’s Jean.” I fished my phone out from my pocket and my chest got hot from anxiety. It wasn’t Jean.”

“Eren, who is it?”

I exhaled shakily. “Levi.”

“Levi?! Levi never calls!”

“Get Marco!”

Armin stamped on his cigarette before running side and I hit answer. “Le-“

“Eren!”

Levi sounded like he was in hysterics. “What’s up, man? You never call people. You remind me of Mikasa when it comes to-“

“It’s Jean!”

“J-Jean?”

Armin came outside not a moment too soon with Marco. Marco looked frantic and was talking to Armin. “What’s going on? What happened?”

I held up a shaky finger to quiet Marco. Levi went on, “Jean, he…He went out to go get cigarettes without letting Hanji or me know first. We’d never let him go out like this with how many pills he’s taken.”

“And?”

“So, Hanji and I got in my car and went to go look for him.”

“And?!”

“We found Jean…and…he…he crashed his car into one of those huge stoned fences off the main road.”

“Is he ok?”

“Hanji’s on the phone with 911.”

I held my breath.

“He doesn’t have a pulse.”


	15. The Funeral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long for an update! December was a crazy month for me and I just started my second semester of college.   
> Anyway, this is from Marco's POV and I actually cried twice while writing it so be warned. There should only be one chapter after this. Thank you for everyone who's been patient with me since Chapter 1 and also thank you to everyone who joined in at any other point.  
> After this is done, I have other projects that I've been working on. They will be posted one story at a time like this one and in weird update times like this one.  
> Please enjoy this chapter and the one after that!  
> Also, please enjoy new works that will be posted once this one is finished.

We all spent the night at the hospital, waiting for some sort of good news. They took Jean in and hooked him up to life support to see if it would do any good. The doctors have been talking to his mom all night and from what I can tell, it doesn’t look good. I’ve been too afraid to look at my chest.

Everyone has been leaving and coming back in shifts. Right now, Armin and Eren were with me. Annie and Mikasa had just left because Mikasa was falling asleep after crying as much as she possibly could.

Annie had disbanded the party as soon as we got the news. We didn’t tell anyone else what was going on, just that they all needed to leave because an emergency had happened. We were hesitant to even tell our closer friends like Sasha, Connie, Bertholdt, Reiner, Ymir, and Krista. It would be too much for them right now.

As for me, I had called my mom and told her what had happened. She told me we’d set the moving date back a couple weeks so I could attend the impending funeral. It broke my heart, but it was the least I could do. I never even got to tell him I loved him.

\--

I checked my phone and it was about 4:30 in the morning. Armin was dozing off on Eren’s shoulders and Eren’s eyes were still watery. I couldn’t stop crying. There was no sense in trying to mask the pain of losing your soul mate. I looked over at them both occasionally. Eren was running his fingers through Armin’s hair and Armin wouldn’t let go of Eren’s arm. It was touching and heartbreaking at the same time because I had no one now. I would be alone for the rest of my life and there was no way out of it. Fate was cruel and we were only 17.

Armin rubbed his eyes and sniffled before sitting upright. “What time is it?”

I sighed. “4:30 in the morning. You guys can leave if you want. Jean’s mom is still here to keep me company.”

Eren forced a smile. “We couldn’t do that to you, Marco. I wouldn’t be able to sleep comfortably knowing we left you here.”

Armin whined and nuzzled back into Eren’s arm. “I’ll stay too. I don’t mind and besides, Eren’s a good pillow. He has nice arms.”

Eren rolled his eyes, but smiled a little.

I smiled as well. “Thank you both so much.”

Not long after our exchange, Levi and Hanji came down the hall. Hanji looked like she was out of breath and Levi’s eyes looked red.

Hanji leaned down to hug me. “Sorry we had to leave so early into this ordeal. We needed to come down and let the truth sink in. We’re sober, but we’re definitely hurting.”

I turned to Eren and Armin. “You guys can go now if you want.”

Armin let out a sigh of relief and Eren nodded a silent thank you. They both got up and slowly made their way down the hall, Armin using Eren for support. Soon enough, they were out of sight and it was just the three of us again.

Hanji sat next to me and Levi next to her. He leaned on her just like Armin had with Eren. I still felt incredibly alone in all this even though all my friends were with me.

Levi peeked over Hanji. “What’s the verdict?”

“Jean’s mom still has him on life support, but I don’t think it’s doing much. They wanted to carry him away from the crash in a body bag.”

“I thought he didn’t have a pulse. I checked.”

I shook my head. “They found a very faint one. That’s why he was offered the option of life support. He’s brain dead though. He’s gone.”

“Have you checked?”

“Not yet.”

“Maybe you should go do that and then tell his mom the right thing to do.”

I sighed shakily and got up to excuse myself to the restroom. I found the nearest one and locked the door with shaking hands. I faced the mirror and closed my eyes as I took off my shirt. I traced my fingers blindly over the spot on my chest. It didn’t feel any different, but that wasn’t an indicator. It always felt like a scar. I had to look at it.

At that moment, I really wished I hadn’t opened my eyes.

\--

Jean’s mom pulled the plug before the sun was even up. It was Saturday morning and everyone else had already left. The funeral would be held tomorrow and I had the worst migraine. Sundays always felt like suicide days to me. I didn’t wanna go home yet. I could always call Eren or Armin or anyone. I just didn’t wanna be alone.

As I was about to call Eren, Jean’s mom came out of the room and looked at me with teary eyes. I set down my phone and gave her a questioning look.

She took a few breaths before speaking, “This might be a little crazy of me to ask, but…did you want to see Jean before they take him to the morgue?”

I choked back tears and could only nod. She stepped out of the way and let me into the room. They had pulled the covers over his face and I immediately pulled them off just to see his face.

His lips and cheeks still had colour to them and that might have made it hurt worse. I reached down to his hand and saw my name printed in that beautiful script. I held it tightly and wished his name on my chest still looked jet black like that.

I felt the tears start to pour out of my eyes. I collapsed to my knees and just started wailing. I couldn’t hide my sorrow and grief. I gripped Jean’s hand tighter as the wails got louder. The only other sound I could hear was the nurse shutting the door as she passed in the hall. I was suffering and I refused to be quiet about it.

\--

I ended up going back to Eren’s place after the hospital visit. When I got there, the door was unlocked and I figured they were both sleeping because the house was quiet and no one was in the living room.

I closed the door quietly behind me and kicked off my shoes before slumping down on the couch. My mind was racing at a million miles per second and I couldn’t decipher if this was a dream or a reality. At this point, I only knew that I was thirsty.

I got up from the couch and made my way to the fridge. Thank Eren for always having something carbonated and caffeinated in his house. I grabbed a can of Dr. Pepper and went back to the couch.

I cracked the can open and felt my throat swell up as I took a sip. The sadness came in spurts and I’m sure it would for the rest of my life. I’d learn to cope with it though. Being alone forever wouldn’t be so bad, I suppose. There were always platonic soul mates, but their names weren’t written on my body. I didn’t even have a name on me, simply a scar.

I set the can of soda on the coffee table and pulled a blanket off the back of the couch. I snuggled up underneath it and used a sweatshirt as a pillow. It smelled like Eren and it was comforting. He was a good friend. I reached over to take another drink and toasted to myself of the first lonely night with many to come.

\--

I woke up to the sound of the coffee maker. I blinked a few times before rubbing my eyes and sitting up. I stretched and looked over into the kitchen and saw Armin.

He turned to me after I sat up. “Oh, geez. I didn’t wake you up, did I?”

“You did, but it’s not a problem. What time is it?”

“It’s about 10:30. I’m sorry you didn’t get much sleep.”

I shrugged it off and stood up. I went over to the kitchen and sat at one of the barstools while Armin leaned against the counter. “Thanks for letting me stay here last night.”

He smiled. “Hey, it’s no problem. You can stay here for as long as you need before you have to move. We’ll always be your friends even if you’re far away.”

I nodded. “Well, I am coming back here for college. So, I’ll only be away for a year.”

“A lot can happen in a year though.” He chewed on his lip ring and watched the coffee drip into the pot.

“I don’t want any more surprises. I have to look at this as a new chapter in my life. I’m sure I can find people to relate to.”

“Don’t they have support groups for people who lose their soul mates at an early age?”

“I have no idea. It would be a good idea to have them. I’m sure people hook up in them too.”

“Would you ever do that?”

I sighed and bit my lip. “Even though I didn’t know Jean for that long and he cheated on me, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He was an asshole, but I loved him. I really did.”

Armin smiled and turned back to the coffee which was now finished brewing. He grabbed three mugs out of a cabinet and made us each a cup. “That’s really sweet of you, Marco. That takes a lot of strength.”

“I have to go on. Life continues with or without the one you love most. I’ll be sure to write to him every day though.”

“I forgot you were a writer.” Armin handed me a mug and I thanked him. “Oh, that reminds me. You should go visit Jean’s mom at some point before you move.”

“Do you think she’d give me anything of his?”

“I’m sure if you asked for it, you’d get it. She lost her husband and now, her only child. She’s completely alone. She’s gonna wanna stay in contact with you while you’re away as well.”

I took a sip of my coffee and my eyes started to water again. “I miss him so much.”

Armin frowned. “I know you do. Eren’s in the bedroom crying.”

“I didn’t picture Eren as someone who cried much.”

“He doesn’t. Jean was his best friend though. As much as they bickered, they were really close. They were almost like brothers.”

“I had no idea.” I let the tears fall from my eyes while still keeping a calm expression.

“It was hard to tell from their interactions, but whenever they were texting…it was something else. Eren was like his secret keeper and he’d go to him for everything. If Eren wasn’t available, he’d go to Levi.”

“Tell me about him and Levi.”

Armin smiled a little and held his mug tighter. “Levi moved in with Hanji when they were young teenagers in love and when Jean was still a little kid. He was in elementary school at the time. Anyway, Levi and Hanji would actually babysit Jean a lot while his mother was at work when Jean came home from school. Hanji would always make him a snack after he came home and Levi would ruffle his hair and ask him how school had been. They were like second parents for him. Levi was like the dad that Jean never got to know. He adored both of them. When Jean started high school, he began going to Levi’s apartment. They would hang out there and watch MTV or something until Jean’s mom got home.”

I felt the tears start to fall again, but I let Armin continue.

“When Jean started smoking, Levi wasn’t about to get him to quit. He knew it was a coping mechanism and he wasn’t going to take that away from him. Up until the accident, Levi was always the one buying Jean cigarettes. He introduced Jean to weed after he had asked about it a few times. When Annie started getting into hard drugs, Jean adored them and Levi would let him in on the supply whenever Annie was unavailable. He really just wanted to keep Jean from killing himself even though these coping mechanisms weren’t very healthy. Levi watched Jean grow up and wasn’t about to lose the kid that was like a son to him.”

“So, then, Jean’s mom isn’t the only one grieving the loss of a son.”

Armin took a sip from his coffee and shook his head. “Nope. I’m sure as soon as Levi and Hanji wake up later, they’ll be downstairs having coffee and tea with Miss Kirschtein.”

“Did she take any time off from work?”

“I think she took the next week off. She should take more off, but she’s such a hard-worker.”

“Maybe work will help keep her mind off things. I mean, I’m not moving for a few weeks because of the circumstances so I could spend most of my time with her.”

“I’m sure she’d like that.”

I nodded and polished off my coffee just as Eren emerged from the bedroom. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot. It didn’t look like he had slept much. He sat at the counter next to me and ran a hand through his hair, pushing his bangs out of his face. He looked younger like that, but still distressed.

Armin handed him a cup of coffee and smiled weakly. “Good morning.”

Eren grunted and took a long drink from the cup. It must have been lukewarm by now, but it didn’t look like he minded much. He looked over to me once he had drained half the cup and smiled just as weakly as Armin had. “I’m sorry you have to see me like this.”

That was hardly a problem. There were tears that had dried on my own face and I couldn’t even get myself to smile. My eyes started to water again and Eren pulled me in for a hug.

“It’s gonna be OK, Marco. Jean was an idiot, but I know he loved you even if he didn’t say it directly. You were good to him even though his last few mistakes were fatal to your relationship…and himself.”

With that, I felt the tears fall from my eyes and onto his shoulder. He held me tighter and buried his face into my neck. His face was warm and wet, but it was comforting to have someone like him to help me.

\--

I ended up calling my parents later in the afternoon and told them I’d be staying with Armin and Eren again for the night after Armin insisted. I also ended up calling Mikasa who said I was welcome to sleep in her bed. She’d be with Annie for the next couple days, but they were going to stop by later.

Armin, Eren, and I sat in the living room until they arrived. They shared stories about Jean when he was younger and I couldn’t help myself from smiling and crying at the same time. They had known him for so long and it broke me even further knowing that I hadn’t known him that long.

When Annie and Mikasa showed up, Annie ran to me immediately and broke down on my lap. She had fallen to her knees and all I could do was stroke her hair and wail with her. Her hair was down and I had never seen it like that before. Her hair wasn’t that long and it amazed me how she was able to fit it into a bun every morning.

I looked up once I had calmed down and Annie’s breathing had steadied out to the point where she was almost asleep, but not quite. Armin, Eren, and Mikasa were all huddled together on the loveseat. Tears were falling from their eyes, but they were completely quiet about it. It was a sweet scene despite the circumstances.

Mikasa got up from the cuddle puddle and turned on Netflix. What she played next was in good spirits, even though it hurt. She had turned on Grease. All of us were quiet for most of it. She returned to Eren and Armin and Annie got off the floor to sit next to me and lean on me.

Unlike last time we had watched the movie, none of us were very energetic. We all sang along to the songs, but we sounded like the saddest chorus ever. None of us got up to dance either. It was heartbreaking, but I wasn’t complaining. We were all sharing a moment in memory of Jean and it could have been a lot worse.

When the movie ended, Annie got up from my side and went into the kitchen. Mikasa was the first to ask her what she was doing.

“Annie, where are you going?”

She rummaged in a cabinet beside the fridge and eventually pulled out a bottle of unopened wine. “We might as well drink to the memory of him, right? I’d say we could do some pills, but…” Her eyes started watering again as she poured six glasses.

Mikasa got up to help her distribute and she handed me two. Before I could ask, she had an explanation.

“You’re always supposed to pour a drink for the deceased. No one drinks it and when we’re all finished drinking, we pour it out in memory for him.”

I nodded and set the second glass on the table for Jean. When I set it down, I felt a cold rush and it felt like he was sitting beside me.

_Don’t quit now. You can do this even without me. I love you._

I don’t know if I was hallucinating or not, but I jumped slightly and everyone gave me a look.

“H-his voice…I felt like he was just talking to me. He told me…he told me he loved me.”

Annie smiled a little as a single tear fell from each eye. She raised her glass and we followed. “To Jean and all the love he gave us.”

We toasted and sipped the sweet liquid well into the night.

\--

Once everyone had gotten enough to drink and eventually sobered up enough to feel sad again, Mikasa and Annie hugged each of us before leaving again.

I checked my phone and it was around one in the morning. Eren and Armin each gave me a hug and told me they loved me before heading back to their room.

I stayed up for a little longer before going back to Mikasa’s room. I fell face first onto her pillow and my throat swelled up.

She hadn’t washed the sheets since her and Jean had slept together.

I could smell him in the pillow and against the sheets. The smell of Old Spice and cigarettes lingered in my nostrils until I found myself crying and dozing off. It was a bittersweet smell, but I loved it and I loved Jean.

I got up to strip down to nothing. When I crawled back into bed, I could almost feel him wrapping his arms around me like he had that night in Levi’s bed.

\--

The next morning, I heard Armin and Eren talking in the kitchen. I sat up and rubbed my eyes before crawling reluctantly out of bed and getting dressed. I made my way out to the kitchen and Armin had a cup of coffee waiting for me.

They were both dressed nicely. Armin in a white button up, a blue sweater and black jeans. Eren was wearing a white button up and a pair of brown pants. They both looked nice and I figured I needed to go home to shower and change before the service.

We made idle conversation as we drank our coffee. When I was finished, I hugged them both and headed back to my house to get cleaned up and change.

The drive home was sad. I had downloaded a few songs that Jean would listen to all the time and managed to make it home without having to pull over to bawl.

I parked my car and turned it off before making my way up to the front door. My parents were both at work so it made it easier to cry freely. I went up to my room first so I could lay out what I was going to wear to the funeral.

Eventually I settled on what I had worn on our first date. I wiped my eyes and checked the time on my phone before heading to the bathroom. I had about an hour and a half before I had to make it to the cemetery. Jean’s mom had decided on a nontraditional funeral. There wasn’t going to be a service in a church. Rather, we were just going to go to the cemetery and say a few words before they lowered Jean’s body into the ground.

The tears were still falling on my way into the bathroom so I could take a shower to at least try and look decent despite how shitty I felt. I undressed and turned on the shower, waiting for the water to warm up before I stepped under the stream.

\--

Once I was all showered and dressed up, I grabbed my keys and left a note for my parents saying I may or not be spending the night elsewhere again. I looked in the mirror and made sure all my hair was lying flat before heading out to my car.

In my car, I listened to a playlist I had made of songs that Jean always listened to. I was crying the entire way to the cemetery, but I refused to pull over because I wanted to be as early as I could so maybe I could see everyone else and it wouldn’t be too bad. I wanted to laugh with them about anything if I could. I mean, if any of us could.

Since I arrived so early at the service, the parking was fine even though cemeteries never really had a whole lot of parking so I parked alongside the road behind what looked to be Eren’s car. I was happy to know he was already there. That almost meant that Annie and Mikasa must already be here too.

Once I got out of my car, I looked around and saw a bunch of vehicles I didn’t recognize. I was guessing they belonged to people in our extended circle of friends that were outside of our little “Scooby-Doo” group as Eren told me Jean called it. It wasn’t that when there were six of us, but now that there were five, we were back to that.

I headed into the cemetery and noted where everyone was standing. I could distinguish Bertholdt by his height and Armin by his bouncy blonde hair. I walked over to them and to my surprise, Sasha was actually the first one to give me a hug.

She had makeup on, which I had never seen before, but it was smeared especially underneath her eyes. She was wearing a black dress that went down past her knees and a dark blue shawl that looked like it could double as a scarf. She was also wearing heels and her hair was tied back into a tight bun – like a ballerina’s. The only thing that looked normal about her was that her bangs and fringe were still hanging down.

“Hey, Marco,” she said once she let me out of the embrace, “I know you’re probably not doing well and I know we didn’t get to know each other exceptionally well before Jean’s…accident, but we’re all here for you. I promise.”

I thanked her and went over to Annie and Mikasa. I made note of what they were wearing because it was all I could focus on and I already knew what Eren and Armin were wearing.

Mikasa’s dress was white and went down to her ankles. She was wearing black converse sneakers and her scarf was also draped over her shoulders like a shawl. Her hair was pulled back into a half-ponytail and the only hair on her face were the wisps that wouldn’t fit into her ponytail. I don’t think I had ever seen her forehead before. She had on makeup as well, but it was more expressive than Sasha’s black eyeliner and mascara. She had on vibrant red eye shadow that matched her scarf and she only had eyeliner on the top of her lids. She was smart in that sense because she knew she would be crying. She was also wearing red lipstick to go with her eye shadow and scarf combo. She wore gold studs in her ears and they were extremely pretty. I had also never seen her ears exposed like this. She looked extremely beautiful.

Annie’s hair was in double braids and her bangs were hanging in her face like they normally did. The only difference was that they were covering one of her eyes so people wouldn’t be able to see her cry. From what I could see from her one eye, she had on dark green eye shadow and her liner was similar to Mikasa’s. I don’t think either of them were wearing mascara either.

As for her outfit, she was wearing a black velvet-looking dress that hung just above her knees. She had on black stockings and the military boots she usually wore. She had on a white sweater and her nose ring was a vibrant blue. We all knew it was Jean’s favourite colour.

I looked around more before anyone started talking. I wanted to take notes of the girls’ attire because it was more outstanding the boys’. Bertholdt and Reiner were both wearing white-collared shirts, black jeans, and they each had a sweater on. Bertholdt’s was light blue and Reiner’s was a dark green. Connie was also wearing something similar, but he didn’t have a sweater on.

Ymir was actually wearing a black suit with a skinny black tie. She looked extremely attractive. I had never seen a woman look so good in a suit before. She could probably pull it off better than any boy I ever knew.

Krista looked absolutely gorgeous and complimented Ymir well. She had been letting her hair grow and it was pulled back into a low ponytail. Her fringe and bangs were in her face much like Sasha’s was. She was wearing what looked like a prom dress. It was past her feet and it was strapless. It was red and the back was covered in ruffles. She wore a red, satin carnation in her hair to compliment the ruffles. When she shifted, I noticed she was wearing red buckled shoes that had bows on the back.

As soon as I had documented how nicely everyone was dressed, Jean’s mom stepped up to the casket and began speaking about her son. I could hardly listen as she gushed on about how he had to become the man of the house at such a young age and she didn’t blame him for using drugs. She obviously found out during the autopsy that drugs had been involved. Levi had also come clean to her and she only thanked him for helping keep her son going and well. She didn’t blame him once for what happened.

\--

Everyone only had good things to say about Jean. Eren, Armin, Mikasa, and Annie went up as a group and talked about Jean when he was younger and how frustrated he would get in being alone. They joked about it a lot, but they also talked about how Jean would uncontrollably sob whenever he would think about never finding his soul mate.

Eren had the most to say since they had known each other the longest. He talked about how Jean helped him learn how to walk with his prosthetic and use the joints in his elbow as well. He started to tear up. “Jean is the reason I know how to walk.” Armin hugged him and rubbed his back as Eren buried his face in the shorter boy’s shoulder.

Mikasa was the next to speak personally. “Jean was like the second little brother I never wanted.” There was a pause and a few laughs. “Without our parents being around, he was someone that Eren could look up to even though Eren is just a few days older. When Eren got his prosthetics, I was no help at all. He would get frustrated with me and tell me I was too much of a perfectionist to try and put up with him. Jean helped him more than the doctors. He was a better brother to Eren than I was a sister.” She paused again. “He was also a better soul mate to Marco than I was to Annie despite certain circumstances.”

Annie smiled weakly and stepped up to speak. “Jean was probably my closest friend. I mean, I’m close to everyone up here. I’m also extremely close to Bertholdt and Reiner. Those two are like my big brothers. Jean was the same in a way, but like a brother who understood me just a little more. Whenever I had a party, I’d always spend the most time with Jean if I wasn’t dancing like a weirdo with Mikasa or Armin.” The group laughed again. “I helped him when Levi couldn’t. I helped him even when I was short and I never told him that. I loved him. Plain and simple.”

Armin didn’t speak. He was crying too hard after what everyone else had said. They stepped down and came over to me. Annie gave me a hug and looked up at me. “Your turn. Please say something.”

As much as I didn’t want to, I went up and looked at Jean laying there dressed in something so casual, it looked like he was sleeping. I didn’t mind the open casket, but I could see my name, black as night, on his right hand. I had to do the weirdest thing possible before I could speak.

I kneeled by the casket and took his right hand in mine. I heard everyone start to cry again. Some were muffled and others were wails. I gripped his hand tight and tried not to cry despite the lump in my throat. I stood up, still holding his hand, and began to speak.

“I can’t express what it’s like to lose a soul mate.  Can’t express what awful terms we were on before the accident. I’d take it all back if I could and if I could say one more thing to him, it would simply be: I love you.” I had to pause and swallow the rock in my throat. I squeezed his hand tighter and his hands had always been cold, but not like this. I let out a shaky breath.

“Along with meeting Jean, I’ve met more than enough amazing friends in this town. Eren and Armin, who are like family. Annie and Mikasa are the same category too. I love them. I also met people like Sasha, Connie, Ymir, Krista, Bertholdt, and Reiner. They were always good company at parties and at school. The cafeteria scenes in the morning always put me in a good mood. Now, I also met Levi and Hanji. They are the sweetest couple I know. They put us up one night and they always let Jean stay with them whenever he needed to. They’re wonderful people and I don’t blame them for this. I would also like to thank Annie and tell Mikasa that I’m not mad anymore and her bed smells sweet.” We smiled at each other. “To wrap it up, I loved Jean and still do. He was a great kid, an amazing boyfriend, and…” I felt the tears start to roll down my cheeks. “The best soul mate a boy could ask for.”

I unwillingly let go of Jean’s hand and leaned down to kiss his forehead. I leaned over him for a minute and watched my tears fall onto his cheeks. For a minute, I thought it would be perfect if this was a fairy tale. With my tears, he’d wake up and his name would come back on my chest and we would live happily ever after.

But this wasn’t a fairy tale and Jean wasn’t going to wake up.


	16. Flowers for a Ghost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally did it. This chapter is short and sweet. I cried a lot while writing it.  
> Thank you all for sticking with me through this. You're all wonderful. Soon, I'll post more fics.  
> Thank you all again.  
> There is also a mix on my 8tracks for all the chapter titles since they are actually all song titles. The mix can be found here:  
> http://8tracks.com/soakinginthejaeger/flowers-for-a-ghost-jeanmarco

It had been a year exactly since Jean’s passing and I had just hopped off my plane into town to come back for college. Even though it was summer, I was going to stay with Eren and Armin until the fall semester of college started where we were all going to be freshmen. When I got to baggage claim, Annie, Mikasa, Eren, and Armin all came to pick me up from the airport. They were all practically in tears when I walked down the stairs and their appearances had changed quite a bit.

None of them really got taller, but Mikasa got her second holes pierced and she had let her hair grow down past her shoulders. She still had strands of hair hanging in her face, but it looked like she kept those fairly trimmed, but they were a bit longer than a year ago. She also let her ears show more and I thought it was cute.

Annie got her bridge pierced and her hair also got a little longer. It wasn’t as long as Mikasa’s but it also went past her shoulders. She had her hair in braids much like she did at the funeral. Mikasa told me she was wearing it like that more often because her bun was bigger now and heavier. It was easier to wear her hair in braids, I suppose. She had also cut her bangs a little shorter so she didn’t have to push them away from her face so often. The change was subtle, but it was there. When she came to pick me up, she was wearing her signature white sweatshirt, but what really threw me off was that she was wearing a black mini-skirt. Mikasa said she was doing it more often and it made her happy. She liked it when Annie let her feminine side show. I thought maybe she did it because Mikasa had been wearing skirts for a long time and wearing them as well complimented her partner.

Eren didn’t look a whole lot different. His hair was getting shaggier and apparently, Mikasa had been bugging him to cut it, but he refused. The one significant change was that he got a tattoo. It was in Victorian script on his chest that wrapped up to his shoulder that said “Carla + Grisha” and then underneath “together forever”. He texted me a picture of it as soon as he had gotten it. Apparently, their father had passed and they didn’t get word of it for quite some time until they saw the obituary in the paper. Their father had been a few towns over this whole time and they didn’t even know. They both attended the funeral despite him abandoning them, but they still loved their dad.

Armin’s hair was still blonde and fluffy. He got a Medusa piercing and it lined up perfectly with his labret. Of course I knew about this when it happened because Eren had called me months ago throwing a fit about it just like he had when Annie did Armin’s lip. It was exactly like the phone call Jean had received over a year ago when we were together. It brought tears to my eyes to hear him overreacting like that, but it also brought back good memories.

All of us had exchanged Skype calls, phone calls, texts, and even letters while I was away, but seeing them all was so much better than them being so far away from me. Long distance friendships were harder than I thought.

I hurried quicker down the stairs upon seeing them all and we shared the longest group hug I had ever known in my whole life. We all cried and smiled, trying not to make too big of a scene. I knew we were, but none of us cared. I had missed them so much.

Eren was the first to pull away. “What do your bags look like? I’ll grab them for you.”

I wiped my eyes and smiled. “One is a big black hard back and the other is a dark blue duffle bag. There’s nametags on both of them if you’re unsure.”

He nodded and went over to the baggage claim as soon as the alarm started sounding. I had to wipe my eyes again as he walked over. I wanted to keep hugging him. Annie took my attention away by grabbing my hand and standing on her toes to kiss my cheek.

“How was the east coast, Freckle Face?”

I chuckled a little. I forgot that Jean used to call me that on a daily basis. “It was cold. I wasn’t fond of it. I like it up here better. I didn’t really make any new friends either. I mean, I met some people in my support group for kids who lose their soul mates at a young age, but I never really had anyone to hang out with. Are you still dealing?”

“Yup!” She seemed overly excited about it. “Levi and I are partners now and we do it to help cover bills and food costs for Eren and Miki. Of course, we split the rest of the profit 50/50, but we’d do anything to help out the ones we love.”

“How are Levi and Hanji?”

“I think Hanji cut back on drinking and Levi cut back on cocaine and pills. They’re both really proud of each other and I think they’re finally engaged. Hanji’s ring is so pretty. I think he got her a sapphire ring instead of a diamond and she’s in love with it.”

“I’m so happy for them.” I smiled. “I can’t believe he didn’t tell me though. We sent letters to each other pretty frequently.”

“I think it ruins his bad-boy image so he probably didn’t want you to know. I think they’re setting the wedding for next July of 2016.”

“I’ll definitely be there.”

“Of course you will. You’re here to stay.” She hugged me again. “We all missed you, Marco.”

“I missed you guys too.” Mikasa and Armin came in to make it another group hug and Eren came back with my bags.

“Thank God we took my car. These bags are bigger than I expected.”

We all laughed a little and we headed out to Eren’s car to go home once again.

\--

The house was a lot cleaner than when I had seen it last and they had all done some redecorating. It looked much more like a house that teenagers lived in. Armin had also informed me that he and Annie had both officially moved in to live with their soul mates. The house was small, but definitely big enough to house four people. They even had an extra bedroom since their dad was gone and that’s where I’d be staying.

Annie and Mikasa settled into the loveseat while Armin sat on the bigger couch. Eren took my bags into my room and I followed him to see the room.

The bed was queen sized and was more than enough room for me. It was perfect though since I always slept with books, my laptop, and various notebooks on my bed. I had been writing a lot more this year as well so I had more notebooks than I did since I left. The walls were painted a dark blue and there were band posters all over the walls. Bands like Death Cab for Cutie, Arcade Fire, Twenty One Pilots, My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, and others. I was surprised at a few of them. Some of the bands weren’t too popular and they probably had to order them off the internet instead of finding them at places like Hastings or Hot Topic. I liked all the bands though so I wasn’t complaining.

There was also a small dresser and a mirror hanging above it with pictures of Eren, Annie, Mikasa, and Armin. It looked like they had been taken throughout the entire year and I had seen some of them before through picture messages with captions like “We miss you!” or “We love you and can’t wait for you to come home.” I had to smile at them all.

There was also a closet with a sliding door that looked pretty roomy. That would be nice because I still had boxes that were going to be arriving of things I needed for my college dorm. I had already informed Eren that they were all going to be mailed here. Since the closet was so big, I could just keep the things I didn’t need to unpack in there.

As soon as I was done admiring the room, Eren took me out into the living room. Everyone was still sitting down, but there were six glasses of wine on the table just like it had been a year ago. Annie spoke up before I could start crying.

“I figured we could make this a tradition. It is the anniversary after all.”

“Did you guys go visit him yet?”

Armin spoke this time. “We all went this morning. We kind of figured you’d want to go alone. If not, we’d be up to going again.”

I shook my head. “I wanna go alone. Can I borrow someone’s car? My parents aren’t driving mine out here for a couple days.”

Annie threw me her keys. “Use mine. Sorry if it smells like cigarettes. I know you don’t smoke.”

I chuckled a little. “Actually, I do occasionally.”

Annie tilted her head. “Camel 99s?”

“His breath always tasted like them when we kissed. I figured I could recreate the memories somehow. I only smoke when I miss him the most though.” I sniffled and sat down on the couch next to Armin.

Armin wiped his eyes and took a sip of wine. “I took up smoking full time. I smoke the same things. They’re harsh, but the whole house smells like them if I’ve been smoking a lot and everyone kinda likes it. Annie smokes them too.” He paused and looked to Eren for a minute before he nodded.

I was completely lost until Armin wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled me down to kiss me softly. I was awestruck and didn’t have any words.

“I figured it’s not the same as Jean, but maybe it tastes the same? I’m sorry.” He laughed nervously. “Eren and I had been discussing it for a while. I figured you might like it.”

I didn’t say anything before I pulled Armin close again and kissed him again and again and again and again. His lips were nothing like Jean’s and the lip rings threw me off a little, but it felt somewhat the same. Tears were rolling down my cheeks before I even pulled away for the last time. “Thank you.”

Eren put an arm around me and gave me a side hug. I leaned into him and smiled, wiping away my tears. “You guys are all really the best.”

Mikasa smiled at me and raised her glass. The rest of us followed. “To Jean,” she announced.

“To Jean,” we all repeated and took a drink.

\--

A few glasses of wine later, Annie and Armin each lit up a cigarette and I followed. Even Eren grabbed one and Mikasa simply just leaned back onto Annie. Looks like she still wasn’t a smoker, which was fine.

As we smoked, I checked my phone and it was nearing 10. The cemetery where Jean was buried technically closed at 9, but no one ever got into trouble for going after hours. Besides, Annie’s car was black and would go unnoticed by the grave keepers. I was sober at this point – I hadn’t drunk nearly as much as everyone else – and I wanted to go see Jean before midnight hit.

I stood up to announce where I was going. “I’m gonna go visit Jean. It’s been a long time and I miss him.” Everyone stood up to give me a hug and wished me well. I told them I’d be back before midnight and they all said they’d still be up. I waved and headed out the front door.

I checked my pockets for Annie’s keys, my cigarettes, my lighter and my own key to the house. Annie probably had one too, but it was still a precaution. I remember Jean always patting down his pockets before we left anywhere to make sure he had everything. I guess I picked up more than one of his habits. I laughed a little before getting into Annie’s car. I plugged in my phone and started listening to my playlist of Jean’s songs, once again. But I also had an errand to run before I got to the cemetery.

\--

I arrived almost exactly at 10 and the grave keeper’s lights were off in their house. That was definitely a good sign. It wasn’t a big cemetery either so it was easy to remember where Jean was buried. Six feet under.

I felt my throat swell up and the tears began to roll down my face as I approached Jean’s grave. His headstone was sweet and I had helped Jean’s mother engrave it.

It read: _Jean Kirschtein_

_1997-2014_

_Son, Friend, and Soul Mate of Marco Bodt_

_May He Rest in Peace_

It cost a fortune to put as many words as we did and the size of the headstone, but it was worth it. It was a beautiful stone and it wasn’t one of those graves that was flat on the ground that people accidentally step on. It was big and beautiful and something Jean would love if he could see it.

I wiped my nose and sat down in front of the grave. I figured I might as well talk to him. “Hey, Jean. It’s your Freckle Face. I’m sorry I haven’t visited. I was living on the east coast at the time. I’m here to stay now though.” I felt myself wanting to sob, but I tried to stay composed enough to speak. “I’m not mad at you anymore and I love you more than anything. I wish I could have said it while you were alive. It feels meaningless now.”

_It’s not. I love you too._

I jumped a little and looked behind me. There was nobody there, but I suddenly got cold even though it was a warm evening in May. I never believed in the paranormal, but maybe Jean wasn’t ready to leave the world yet. It was strange, but I held out my hands.

“I miss you so much. You don’t have to speak anymore. I’ll try and come visit you at least twice or three times a week. Please, please just rest for now. You deserve it.”

I reached behind me and grabbed the blood red roses I bought before I came. I placed them right in front of his headstone and sniffled a little. “I guess I’m leaving flowers for a ghost. I hope you like the colour. I think it means romance.” I chuckled. “I’m not good with flower meanings. I don’t even know if you like flowers.”

I lay down and look up at the stars while crying, but I was still smiling. I think I had all I wanted to say out in the open. I felt relieved and still loved. I could manage and I’d live for both of us. I could carry the weight of all the love we both held. I loved him and he loved me.

The stars were so beautiful that night.

Why I’m counting, I don’t know.


End file.
